Johnny Smith: Okay, one of my visions was a little off.
Bruce Lewis: ‘A little off’. Do you understand what it means in the context of the rest of humanity for your brain to be ‘a little off’? That puts you in another galaxy far, far away.
Dead Zone

I love the show Dead Zone with Anthony Michael Hall on USA. If you haven’t seen the show, it’s based off the book by Steven King which tells the story of Johnny Smith, a man who was in a coma and wakes up to discover he can sometimes see the past or future by touching people or objects. Sometimes, it’s obvious what he sees, other times its hard to tell what to do.

This past Sunday, he picked up a postcard and got a flash for a friend of his being killed. He calls her and tells her not to go to the town where the postcard is from and then proceeds there himself to see what’s up. She of course, ignores him and also goes because it’s her birthday and she doesn’t want to be alone, setting herself up for the very tragedy he saw in his vision. During the show, Johnny meets a lady who runs the local diner (which has a big pink spoon over it and was featured on the post card) who begins explaining that running away from his troubles (which is why he is in this little town) is not a good idea because she once got pregnant and gave the child up to provide a better life and has been running from it ever since and she regrets it.

So, our hero Johnny and his lady friend (who is also a bit psychic) go off and catch the bad guys, after having gotten caught by them, and save the day. As they are sitting dow for pie, our hero begins wondering why he saw his friend when he touched the postcard of the big pink spoon since that actually brought her into danger. He figures he must have seen her for some other reason. Come to find out that the cards are made by the lady who runs the diner and of course it follows that she is the friends mom. The girl had always had a vision of a pink spoon on her birthday and didn’t know why. (She thought it was just a sign she should eat ice cream.)
All in all, a nice little closing and the adoptee wasn’t the criminal or psycho in the end so that was cool, she was psychic though. I had a thought for an episode where an adoptee asks Johnny to track down his mom and he decides to do it because he sees a great catastrophe if he doesn’t. Winds up, by finding her, the adoptee is able to provide a much needed kidney to her. Not sure where I got the idea.

It’s funny how adoption keeps cropping up. Even though I haven’t been reading much online recently it stills sneaks up on you. For example, while working on a computer at work, I came across an email from another employee that was asking if anyone who knows of a mother or perspective mother who may be thinking of giving up her child to open adoption because they have a friend who is looking. My first reaction was anger but then I realised that it was an opportunity. I wrote a brief email to the employee and included the recommendations for adoptive parents. I also offered to talk to them or share some of my books with them. He thanked me but said little else. Hopefully they will review it and take something away from it. Hopefully they will have a truly open adoption and everything will be okay in the world. Maybe they will call.

I’ve grown certain that the root of all fear is that we’ve been forced to deny who we are.
Frances Moore Lappe, O Magazine, May 2004

I have been reading about a lot of reunions and I have to say it hurts. Especially with my birthday just a few days ago. I don’t want to deny them this nor do I wish they didn’t have this but I am so jealous. Tonight though, I read of another who was turned away and my heart aches for them. As I read their pain in the few short lines, it became a mirror of my own which I had pushed down. How can someone do this to another being, there own children? I know that there may be fear or pain on the other side but take a chance please.

Let go of the fear that is holding you back and take a chance on your blood. Set yourself free of the shame or regrets. Whatever is holding you back, let it go and embrace us.

How simple a thing it seems to me that to know ourselves as we are, we must know our mothers’ names.
Alice Walker

As I was laying my youngest son in bed just now, I was overcome with a pain deep in my chest. With tears in my eyes, I just held him for a few minutes. The feeling was so strange. I have been stressed recently; a new job, new baby, my older son has been a bit of a pill. I also have another event happening: my birthday which is a week away. As I get closer, I have been thinking more of her. Where is she, what is she doing? Why hasn’t she contacted me? So many groups that I belong to are filled with adoptees who have reunited and it’s like little pin pricks. I keep considering not going to these meetings but like a moth to a flame, of course I do. A part of me wishes my birthday was past but a part is looking forward to a few presents and dinner with my family.

It’s weird to think that some thirty plus years ago, was the last time I saw my birthmother. I wish I could remember something from back then but I can’t remember when I was thirteen much less a newborn.

I wish she would just write to me. I wish I knew for sure the name I have is hers. I wish I knew her.

…therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
John Donne (1572 - 1631), Meditation XVII

We are rattling cages. Some, like Amy, are louder than others but each voice counts. Even the smallest adds to the power we have. Every voice that speaks their truth adds to the knowledge of those not involved in adoption. With them listening, the face of adoption will change. Yes, it has changed some but there is still coercion, there are still mothers who want their children back and the business owners and lawyers who fight against that, there are still many states who prevent their citizens from knowing their own truth.

I listen to the stories of adotpees searching. I hear their pain within their words, and their anger at being treated as second class citizens when it comes to their informaion. My soul resonates with it.

I listen to the words of the agency lackeys. The comments they post on other blogs, the videos they create, the stories they publish, there is an element of fear in it. Fear that the status quo isn’t going to stay. Fear that their control, their power is slowly slipping away. As each state provides Equal Acces, each government begins to acknowledge our rights, a bell tolls. My soul revels in it.

Let’s face it, Adoption is not about providing a home for unwanted children. It’s not about making a better life, even if the perspective birth mother thinks she is doing the “best thing.” I want to ask those people who put the idea that this was the “best thing” in your mind?

Adoption is about lining the coffers of board members by tearing apart families. It’s about selling babies for the “right to parent.” It’s about business disguided behind the mask of smiling faces and open hands.

Adoption is said to be a multi-billion dollar business, can you imagine what that money could do if put toward keeping families together? Can you imagine what it might be like if an adoption had to take place, the adoptee was treated with respect and had their full information and truth and it was their decision what to do with it?

Not yet though. We still have to struggle for access. We have to battle against the supposed “right to privacy.” Think about this. The government will defend the right for an accused person to face the person who accuses them. They will allow a murderer or a rapist to sit and look right at the person who is accusing them. Yet, they won’t allow me to know where my blood comes from. They will even try to enact laws to make it illegal for me to even attempt to find out.

It is changing though, slowly but surely with each small voice so don’t let it stop you. Add you voice, even if you think it doesn’t matter. Even if you think it’s just too small to really help. It does help; each story is an important piece, each voice an important instrument, each truth a light.

1. Your mom loved you so much, she gave you up.

Right, whenever people say this to me, I always want to ask them if they gave their kids away and when they say no, then I would reply, “Why, you don’t love them?” Think about that. You are basically reaffirming the belief that the only way to love is to walk away.

2. You were Chosen.

In some cases, this is true but the term is something I have heard a lot of adoptees complain about. It’s sounds more like picking up a dog at the pet store, or choosing a piece of fruit. We named our group Chosen Babies as a way to kind of take it back, in the same vein as Bastard Nation.

3.(When an adoptee mentions they are searching:) Do your parents know?

(This one is usually asked with the slight look of confusion or even disgust.) Maybe they do and maybe they don’t but why do you ask? Is it to shame me for looking? Is it to remind me that I may be causing them pain and possibly some fear in searching? Are you implying I can’t handle this on my own or that I need their permission? Or maybe you are implying that there feelings are more important than mine? Which usually leads to:

4. Telling us we “owe” or should feel “grateful” to our adoptive parents.

Why is it that I can’t be grateful to my parents for raising me and still search for my roots? Why is it that wanting to know our history or see a face like ours is “not” being grateful? Have you ever looked thru a photo album of ancestors long gone? Was looking thru this being ungrateful to your parents?

5. Calling us Adopted Child.

This is one for the agencies. We are often called the Adopted Child by them. It’s almost a dismissal as if our voices don’t matter. There does seem to be a shift by some away from this but not enough. We aren’t children now. We are adults and many of us want our records and the truth, our truth.

6. I wish I was adopted.

Really? You wish you grew up looking for a face in a crowd that looks a little something about you? How about the lack of medical and having to see “the look” from doctors and nurses? The feeling of being so small while you wait for the agency to tease you with another small tidbit of info, that you don’t even know is truth or not?

7. You were so lucky.

Lucky that I have never seen someone who looks like me? Lucky that I have no medical records to share with my children for their future. Lucky that I have to pay extra money to have tests done, or extra money to try to get records that others pay a few bucks for?

8. Are you or have you ever though about looking for your “real” parents?

This one can be borderline. Which group are our “real” parents, the ones who gave us life or the ones who raised us for the beginning of our lives? In my mind, both are my “real” parents. Look up the word Parent in Websters. Definition a says one who begets. Definition b says one who brings up or cares for. Both apply. One is the foundation and the past, the other helped form the person built on that foundation.

9. What does the past really matter?

Why do people spend money logging into ancestry.com? Why do family Bibles usually have family trees in them? Because the past does matter and we have every right to know ours. This can go extra for trans-racial adoptees who may now have little or no ties to their ancestry and customs which is a crime unto itself.

10. Oh, you must be one of those angry adoptees.

Well I am now after that statement. :smile: No really, this is such a dismissal. Unfortunately, I have seen it applied to some of the least angry adoptees I have known. For example, adoptees who want their records but still understand the need for adoption. Granted, a reformed method of adoption but still adoption. Adoptees who want to teach others to prevent the next generation of going thru what we did or feeling the way we did. Adoptees who just want to promote understanding but are still dismissed by those afraid of the possibilities.

Patience is the companion of wisdom.
Saint Augustine (354 AD - 430 AD)

We got into a discussion on Chosen-Babies.com about things we would like to say to our birthparents. Below is the list that we came up with. Not everything applies to everyone but they are pretty valid.

1. Be patient and don’t back away.
2. Try to indulgle our curosity as things that people who are not adopted take for granted is really opening a whole new world for us and we need to be able to assumulate it into our current lives
3. Own up to your truth as well as your child’s truth
4. Be compassionate to us. We may have had a great life or a bad one. You may have relinquished us out of necessity or coercion but this is a big thing for us.
5. Understand we aren’t all gold diggers or murderers or stalkers. We want to find a part of ourselves we have never known, to see a face that looks like ours.
6. Share the information you have. Many of us don’t have access to accurate records and holding that information because it’s painful is painful for us too. Don’t make us beg or plead for our information and don’t hold it over our heads either.
7. Understand that many of us consider the people who raised us our parents. Don’t disparage them to us.
8. If you have relinquished and not reunited, please give any medical information to the agency as soon as you can and keep it updated. This information doesn’t just affect us, but our children and theirs as well.
9. Temper any expectations on what is expected of us…ie..being YOUR child, telling us that we should be thankful we wern’t aborted.
10. Stand in your own pain as I am having to stand in my own pain as a result of the circumstances
11. Don’t harbor guilt about us, it will ony interfere with us getting to know each other. Don’t refer to us as the “one mistake” you made back in the day.
12. Please don’t keep us a secret. Your brothers, sisters, children, and parents are our blood too.
13. We are both going to feel emotionally overwhelm from time to time. When this happens, find someone to talk to about it: clergy, friend, psychologist, support group; however, do not “lash out” at me and say you would rather the reunion have not occurred. All this does is confuse and frustrate things further, and could lead to greater distance and deeper wounds being created.
14. Don’t hide the name of our fathers/mothers if you have it. Whatever the relationship you had with them doesn’t affect that they are our father/mother and we should be allowed to find them if we wish. After all, they have half our history too.
15. Giving us up isn’t the end of the story. While we understand there may have been extenuating circumstances the first time, the second time there shouldn’t be. Don’t reject us.
16. Protect and stand up for your children’s civil rights. Speak out for equal access to original birth certificates whenever possible. Especially make it clear to the agency involved with your adoption that you SUPPORT equal access.
17. ***ADDED PER COMMENT*** Don’t tell your biological child that you don’t like the name his adoptive parents chose for you

So there you go. Please feel free to comment or recommend additions to this list.

If you wish to link to this list, please give credit to the Adoptees of Chosen-Babies.com.

Never does the human soul appear so strong and noble as when it foregoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury.
Edward Chapin

Adoption is not a pretty present with a cute bow. It isn’t a bowl of mud with worms in it. It isn’t a bowl full of cherries nor is it a bowl of rotten fruit.

It’s all of them and none of them.

And that is what we have here in blogland. A multitude of voices crying out to be heard.

Adoptees who believe their adotion was perfect and the best thing for them. Adoptees who have good relationships with their parents but still want to know and adoptees who had terrible adoptive parents and are full of righteous pain. We also have adoptees that fit every space in between.

Birthparents/firstparents/natural parents who feel they were cheated, abused, lied to and many with cause. We have some who willingly gave up their children but may have regretted it later or may still feel that it was the best thing. We also have everyone that fits every space in between.

Adoptive Parents who want to understand all the possibilities of what it means to be adopted, others who just want to hear how perfect it is, and still others who speak like it’s all about them. We also have everyone that fits every space in between.

In other words, we have the soul of adoption.

That’s just it. We fight and argue, we cry and comfort, we love and hate, we scream and whimper, we hope and dream. Some of us have hearts of strength, other have hearts in shards. Some of us are filled with pain, some of us with light.

Tomorrow we may switch places.

As humans, we make mistakes. We say things before we think and they come across wrong. We hurt others intentionally and unintentionally. We are hurt by others intentionally and unintentionally and lash out in return or run away. When we do this, we stop listening and stop trying to understand. We sometimes take things literally rather than understanding the feelings behind. Like the difference between the letter and spirit of the law.

Despite this the soul goes on.

Meanwhile some get hurt. Some very important voices are made to feel unimportant or invalid. Don’t stop talking though. Sometimes, the smallest instrument holds the most important melody in a symphony. The rest is just accompaniment. We just need to stop and listen to the music of another’s soul

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
Wilson Mizner (1876 - 1933)

Wow, a recent study came out that men who have served in the military are 2.13 times higher than other men to committ suicide. We apparently use a gun more often as well, 59% more often.

You can read a bit about it here. Vet Suicide

How is that for a wake up call? The research goes on to say that therapists should be on the lookout for depression and suicidal tendancies.

Another study from 2001 says adaoptees are more likely to have attempted suicide (7.6% vs 3.1%) than non-adoptees.

You can read a bit about it here. Adoptees and Suicide

Between the two, I guess I’m screwed. Luckly the only gun I have in the house is made of LEGO.

Joking aside, that’s a scary statistic. The veteran report discusses how some doctors are afraid to bring up the subject because they feel it may be a catalyst. Funny how we just don’t want to talk about it, but we need to. We have a new generation of war veterans who are returning and will need our support not our blame or ridicule. Whether you believe the war is valid or not, these men and women are not the ones who should blamed but honored and respected.

The adoption study was a bit scary as well. While it mainly centers on adolescents, the study shows there appears to be a correlation. “Although the mechanism underlying the association remains unclear, recognizing the adoptive status may help health care providers to identify youths who are at risk and to intervene before a suicide attempt occurs. It is important to note, however, that the great majority of adopted youths do not attempt suicide and that adopted and nonadopted youths in this study did not differ in other aspects of emotional and behavioral health. Furthermore, high family connectedness decreases the likelihood of suicide attempts regardless of adoptive status and represents a protective factor for all adolescents.” High family connectedness. To me, this means not keeping secrets or looking the other way. Please let this be a call to arms to adoptive parents to stop denying the possibility that your children may have issues. Instead consider the possibility and understand that when we adoptees say that your kids may have issues, we aren’t saying they are going to be screwed up and you are the one to blame, we are saying please consider it and understand it happens and be there for them.

ps for you gun people out there: the LEGO gun is a representation of the Berreta 92F which is what I carried in the Navy. You can see more here: Brick Gun. I modified the tip with a orange LEGO so it looks like a toy. Although the little Star Wars Empire emblem on the grip may have given it away as well.

Seize opportunity by the beard, for it is bald behind.
Bulgarian Proverb

Life has been crazy recently. I haven’t been happy at work for a while now and it finally came to a point that I was dreading going back after the baby leave. When I did, it wasn’t too bad but I just can’t stay. I don’t feel like I am learning anything there. I don’t have a mentor or someone to look up to and learn from.

I agonized over it for quite a while before, during, and after the baby leave, so I started looking for a new job. My wife even talked about moving out of town to where her sister lived and we considered it for a while. I had mixed feelings about this. On the one side, I looked forward to the change but on the other the change was a problem as well. I don’t have a ton of friends around here but I do have a few and I would lose them. I would also lose the support groups I belong here. Then again, like my wife said, I would probably start another group there anyway.

Unfortunately, there were few jobs in my industry which my skills would match. I am mainly a Windows administrator and a lot of the requirement included Unix which I havev never worked on. I know my wife was dissapointed but she understands as well.

Then another opportunity arrived. Not an interview but a job offer. A job offer that for a Windows administrator which also included training and experience in Unix. Also, this was with a company I knew and people I repsected.

So I turned in my resignation today. I offered two weeks notice and they asked me for three to which I agreed. Hopefully enough time for them to get someone in. I don’t want to screw them over but I can’t stay.

So it’s time for a change. Yet, I am still nervous about it. All those little self doubts come back into play. Will I be able to keep up with the work? Will I be able to learn the system in a reasonable time?

I think so. I hope so but I have to try I guess. The opportunity is just too good and the timing was amazing.

What’s that saying about God opening a window?

As long as I am an American citizen and American blood runs in these veins, I shall hold myself at liberty to speak, to write, and to publish whatever I please on any subject.
Elija Lovejoy

Lee had an intersting entry about Human Blood that you can read here.

I donate now about every 60 days now. A friend recommended I do it and I did. When they found out I was O negative they about flipped. They kept thanking me for donating but at the time I didn’t understand why. I mean, it’s just blood right?

It’s not though. It can be the difference between life and death for someone, a child maybe.

Besides, for a little while, someone else shares my blood.

Thinking of blood made me think about a time in the Navy. It was during the first week of boot camp when they are giving us our first shots. The day start as always with a really loud recorded bugle, running, breakfast, and then off to a large hall. They lined us up to take shots (those pressure shots in the upper arm.) There were guys lined up, two on one side and three on the other. A gauntlet of ejections so to speak. They gave us the whole speech about not locking your muscles, make sure to rub lightly for a few seconds once it’s done and you will probably be a bit sore tomorrow. Anyway, a guy a few feet in front of me collapsed after the first hiss so I was nominated to carry him thru the line. I picked him up and started to carry him thru, they injected him in the arms so I moved him to the next row. Suddenly there was a hiss on either side of me, and the poor guy hit the floor again. The CC was so pissed at the guys giving shots.

Anyway, the blood link. After the shots they were going to take our blood. They pulled a few people from the recruits who were going into the medical field. The guy I got put the strap on my arm, inserted the needle and then began collecting. He went to pull the strap loose and accidently pulled the needle out of my arm. So thinking quickly he jabbed it back in to try to plug the whole. He missed of course. He was so scared at that point that he wound up dropping and breaking the test tube. So another tech had to draw blood out of the other arm. I don’t know if that guy ever went on to become a medic but if so maybe he was sent out with the marines. (Quick joke, why do medics have a 45 in the bottom of their bags? To shoot the marines who break their legs.)

So you would think that I would be completely against needles but I’m not. They just never bothered me. Nor does seeing my own blood. I guess in a way I just disassociate but it’s for a good cause, right?

Give blood here, you could save a child. it doesn’t take long and it’s relatively painless. They ask a lot of questions but you get free cookies and juice in the end. Besides, MythBusters tested to see if they insert a tracking device and they didn’t.