So the results are in and official - he is okay. What a relief.

What a huge hassle.

We went to the hospital today at 7:00am for the little ones CAT scan appt which was at 9:00am. At first they weren’t going to do it because he didn’t have a recent medical checkup. My wife was about in tears waiting for this and then being told this. I calmly but angrily said that we had just gotten a call from them a week before to say everything was okay so why now are they telling us we needed somethng else and that it was unfair to do this to parents.

Apprarently the scheduling department is the one who called and they screwed up whereas we were in pediatrics. They had only gotten the paperwork the night before when they caught it. It had gone thru scheduling and radiology but niether group bothered to tell us.

Anyway, pediatrics kept apologizing saying were frustrated as well. They tried to get the original physical extended by our doc but she wasn’t available and the doc on call woulnd’t extend it so they were trying to arrange an appt for us to go see the on call doc and then come back but there wasn’t any appts so finally they said they would try it if we could get him to sleep. This was around 10:45. Well of course this was right after he had finished a nap in the room so that was a no go.

Finally an assistant nurse offered to go to radiology with us and try to distract him. The radiologist strapped him down and he was crying so loud. My wife was again almost in tears and I couldn’t think of what to tell him to get him to calm down. He hated being strapped in but then the nurse started blowing bubbles and he just froze to watch the bubbles long enough for the scan to complete. So by 11:40 or so, we finally got out of there.

We find out the results this Friday. I hope this was all for nothing in the end but it could have been easier.

Wow is all I can say. I am 49 years old and I can honestly say that everyday of my life I have felt appreciation for my birthparents decision. Not only for giving me life, but also for giving me “a life”. I have never felt that I was “given away”, or rejected. Instead I feel that I was loved enough to have an adoption plan made for me. I can only imagine what a difficult decision it was to make, and I hope they have never regretted it. My REAL (adoptive) parents have always loved me unconditionally. While I may have biological roots elsewhere my ROOTS are firmly planted with my parents, siblings and relatives that I grew up with and have a relationship with. It might be nice to look at someone whom I can see myself in, but it really isn’t that important. I look at my parents, etc…and see MY FAMILY! And don’t think my life has been perfect either - it hasn’t, but that’s life. There may be things I would change, but being adopted isn’t one of them.

I had the following comment posted on the my entry titled Statistically Speaking. Below is my reply:

That’s great but unfortunately, the more you dig the more you may find they didn’t “choose” to give you up.No one should be forced to give up their child.

Also it’s good that you love your parents. Excellent in fact but calling one real implies the others aren’t and that’s not exactly right. Personally, I think both should be celebrated; one for giving life and one for giving you a life. both are important to who you are whether you want to find them or not (and that is obviously your choice.) However, to some of us it is important to be able to look at another who shares our traits. Quite a few. I look at my parents and see my family too but I have another, knowing one does not supersede the other.

Having never met you, your comments read like you are worried about your parents thinking you are trying to replace them. See many of us who search AREN’T trying to replace them just add to our family because they are blood, they are family.

Some are searching to replace though, because of the families they were given too. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, flat out ignoring or kicking to the curb, every story possible exists and each must decide how to help their own story play out.

“They say follow your heart follow it through
But how can you when you’re split in two?”
Face To Face Siouxsie & The Banshees

I live in fear.

The doc says my youngest needs to have a CAT scan. To do it, they need to sedate him. He’s not even one and we need to sedate him. I am scared to death.

Then again, if it reveals something, it will be early enough to help before it becomes a major problem but that doesn’t make me feel better. I stare into his little sleeping face, and the fear practically freezes me. I don’t know what I would do if something happens to him, either of them. My only blood. I can’t share my fears with my wife because I know she is scared too, and I need to be strong for her.

This has gotten me thinking of my other fears. I am realizing that I am afraid to find my birthmother. I have her name and other than sending a couple of letters, I haven’t done much. Occasional searches on the internet. In truth, I don’t fear finding her, as much as the result that may come. How do I handle a second (or third depending on when you start counting) rejection? It’s like having the angel and demon on my shoulders but not only do I not know which to listen to, I am not even sure which is saying what. It’s why I haven’t really been writing, I didn’t want to think about it.

I used to a bit more outgoing. I used to enjoy camping trips, visiting other cities, that sort of thing. Not anymore. I am afraid to take my family anywhere because I am afraid something will happen to them and I will lose them. I need to get out of this rut and get back to living. My wife wants to take a family trip in the next few months and the first thought was of fear. However, I put on my best face and said sure and I will do it.

The following is testimony offered in regard to sealed adoption records and the search for identity. This testimony was given in 1976 to the New York State Commission on Child Welfare by Vincenette Scheppler. It is still pertinent today.

My testimony today is based on my experience as a psychiatric social worker who has provided therapy for adolescents, many of whom were adopted. I have also been involved for seven years as a director of adoption programs. My work has been with unwed mothers and fathers, adoptive parents, adoptive children and adult adoptees. While all of this experience has convinced me of the need for open records as a contribution to the mental well-being of adoptees, nothing has persuaded me more than the testimony of my own adopted children.

Although the original sealing of adoption records was perhaps understandable on the basis of an earlier lack of knowledge, what we have since learned makes the concept today truly inexcusable.

For a long time it was a rather generally held view that only the disturbed and/or unhappy person would want to seek out his biological parents. It was honestly believed adoption created a totally new life for a child and there was no need to seek out information about his biological heritage. Now we know this is simply not so. Every adopted child has to face what I have chosen to call the adoption dilemma. The essence of this dilemma is in the fact that every adopted child has two sets of parents. He must somehow come to know them both and to settle for himself what his relationship is to be with each. Although some of this may be beyond his control, he will try. Knowledge of his biological parents may be actual, it may be by way of information that is enough to satisfy him, or, if neither of these is possible, it will be imaginary. But know them he must if he is to resolve his dilemma and thus free himself to be all he is capable of being.

All humans, in order to grow and become mature adults, must resolve their relationship with their parents. By daily contact they learn the reality of that relationship and grow in their ability to move away and become independent individuals. This task is complicated for the adopted child who has two sets of parents. Some may tend to deny one set or the other, but this is often accomplished at a very high emotional cost. Let those of us who have some authority to act not be responsible for further complicating this difficult task by keeping from adult adoptees information the rest of us accept as a matter-of-course. Let us not force them to waste valuable time, energy and emotional stamina better used for the building of a creative, productive life. Spare them the necessity of obtaining this vital information in an illegal, frustrating and perhaps unsuccessful search.

The social work profession, undoubtedly composed of dedicated, sincere workers who certainly want what is best for all parties concerned, must now face the fact that the sealing of records has been responsible for much unnecessary heartache for everyone involved in adoption. Let us consider some of the reasons for this sealing.

Perhaps the most frequently given reason is the respect for confidentiality. This is based on the myth that parents who surrender their children do, indeed, want to be protected from them. The fact is that at the time of the signing of a surrender, parents have had to be convinced the only way they could provide a home for the child was to completely relinquish their right to any future knowledge of it’s existence. Many have written frequently to ask about the child’s well-being. Others, believing they could not obtain any information, have agonized in silence. Most have generally acknowledged they cannot play the mother role, but they wanted to make their peace between themselves and their offspring - hardly a sinister motive. For those rare few who may be truly unable or unwilling to acknowledge their children, a statement to that effect might be made a part of their permanent record.

Another argument against open records has been the felt need to protect the adoptee from unpleasant information. There are, in truth, no happy circumstances that lead to adoption. The very fact that a child needs to be placed in an adoptive home tells us something unpleasant has already happened to him. He may have been born of unmarried parents who were not prepared to take on the responsibility of caring for him. He may have been the product of rape or incest or an extra-marital affair. He may have been forcibly removed from his parents by the courts because of neglect or abuse. He may have been abandoned. To try to protect people from such information is truly naive. The unknown frequently holds far more horror than any truth. Both social workers and adoptive parents have been guilty in the past of fostering a vague, meaningless ‘explanation’ to all adopted children that has, in effect, left all with the feeling there is no way to learn why their placement was necessary. Your mother gave you up because she loved you, we told them all, as if that made any sense whatsoever. She wanted what was best for you so she gave you to an agency to make sure they found the best possible home for you. And now adults who were adopted as children are telling us that such answers will not suffice. Their message is clear. they must work out their dilemma. . . their own dilemma. This is a very personal matter and can best be accomplished when the adoptee is able to understand the reason for his placement.

All of this has led to society’s continually treating the adult adoptee as if he were perpetually a child. It is certainly possible the adult adoptee who seeks out his past may encounter rejection and unpleasantness. This possibility - not probability - is in no way a justification for denying adults their right to know. The idea that some adults can decide for other adults what part of their own person they can be allowed to know is reprehensible. Every individual has a right to come to grips with his own past.

Finally, there is the objection that open records invade the rights of adoptive parents. Surely, while children are still minors, adoptive parents and children need to be protected from custody suits. This argument can no longer hold when those children become adults. The parent-child relationship which has grown over the years need not be threatened because the adoptee now seeks to explore that other part of his being. The parents who understand the need for their children to work out their dilemma will recognize it is in no way a repudiation of them.

Some adoptees argue they feel no need to seek out information about their biological background. That is their right. But hopefully this will not be a basis for denying equal rights to those who do.

The question arises, how to make information available. Some have suggested third party mediators. If adoptees have the right to grow and handle their own problems as mature human beings, free of the need for continual parenting and protection by all of society, we must accept the fact mature people can make their own arrangements without third party involvement. Indeed, one of the most tragic aspects of adoption as we know it rises from society’s unwillingness to recognize we are not speaking of children.

In closing, I would like to share with you the words of my twelve year old son. When he learned I was coming to this hearing, Tom said, “Mom, please make them understand. We don’t want to run away. We just want to know.”

- Vincenette Scheppler, M.S.W.

So, 1976.

1976.

Just think about that for a bit.

Copied from http://www.arvinpublications.com/adoptionrecords.html. The site says it can be freely quoted by anyone working to achieve open records.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Amendment IV

I was reading thru the Bill of Rights; you know, the one everyone says promises privacy; and it doesn’t say anything about a person being granted privacy between one person and another. It does talk about how the government can’t seize their “papers.” Hmm, but they won’t let me have my “papers.” I guess it’s because they seized them before I was able to argue.

There are some States that have laws about right to privacy but then again, the Bill of Rights Amendment XIV says:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

So even though the States aren’t allowed to make laws that violate the Bill of Rights or Constitution. Well isn’t that interesting.

What are rights though? We talk about them like they come from God and should just happen, but they don’t. We have to fight for them. We have to make them happen. For example, people walk out into the street because they have the “right of way.” Like the almighty hand of God will stop a car from making them road kill. Anyone want to put that to the test? Of course not, but I have seen people do it and no hand. Squealing brakes, definitely.

I give kudos and thanks to the ones who are out there fighting. People like Amy, Robert, Adam, & Darryl. You fight for our rights, our lives and those that are still to come. May God’s hand protect you and give you strength. Just don’t walk out into the street without looking, ‘kay?

Don’t you “pardon me” me, you. I shall give you “pardon me.” I shall “pardon me” you into the middle of next week.

The Widow Twanky to Hercules.

So, been a while. Life has been pretty good. Had a great Christmas and passed my last exam. Otherwise, was I was just taking a break from adoption and enjoying my family.

Not much else has been happening. Soul of Adoption is now closed down but everyone has moved to the new forum Adoption Threads Granted, the move was a bit faster than we had planned since the SofA domain name expired but we pretty much got everyone over. If you haven’t checked it out, you should

So I haven’t taken a complete break, I guess. Just haven’t felt like writing much. Still not sure what to write about. I have a few things bouncing around in my head that I need to get down, but they haven’t formed completely yet.

We are suffering from too much sarcasm.
Marianne Moore

A few people have commented about my last post and I feel there was a slight misunderstanding in my intent. It was not to agree with the drivel they were spewing but instead to point out the absurdity. It did not come out quite that way though.

I am fully aware that a lot of biological/birth/first/blood parents did NOT want to give up their children and many were coerced. Please forgive me for making you think otherwise.

Cath, I did not mean to try to lump you in with my own mother and her actions. Heck, I have no idea why she gave me up so I don’t really have a bowl to drop you in anyway. As for the rest of the world? Yeah, I think fraud was still rife AND still is.

Anyway, I am still around but between the little one and school haven’t had much time. (Okay, and the occasional video game.)

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
Evan Esar (1899 - 1995), Esar’s Comic Dictionary

Have you seen the report from American Adotions? You know, that non-profit agency who thinks that lives can be bettered thru adoption? Well now they have the statistics to prove it. For example, if you are a mother thinking of giving your child up for adoption, remeber these two key points:

• You are more likely to have higher educational aspirations, are more likely to finish school, and less likely to live in poverty than mothers who keep their children.
• You are more likely to delay marriage longer, are more likely to marry eventually, and are less likely to divorce.
• You are more likely to be employed 12 months after the birth and less likely to repeat out-of-wedlock pregnancy.
• You are more more likely to suffer negative psychological consequences, such as depression, than mothers who rear children as single parents.

But wait, that’s not all… After all, adption is all about the children right and…

• Teens who were adopted at birth are more likely than children born into intact families to live with two parents in a middle-class family.
• Adopted children score higher than their middle-class counterparts on indicators of school performance, social competency, optimism and volunteerism.
• Adopted adolescents generally are less depressed than children of single parents and less involved in alcohol abuse, vandalism, group fighting, police trouble, weapon use and theft.
• Adopted adolescents score higher than children of single parents on self-esteem, confidence in their own judgment, self-directedness, positive view of others and feelings of security within their families.
• On health measure, adopted children and children of intact families share similarly high scores, and both these groups score significantly higher than children raised by single parents.

Reading this, I guess we should all trade our kids out once born.

Then again, they are proud supporters of the National Council of Adoption who have this on their website:

Research in NCFA’s Adoption Factbook IV reports another decline in the annual number of infant adoptions in America. In the interests of children and their biological parents who may not be ready to parent, the adoption community must do a better job of enabling women with unplanned pregnancies to consider adoption. NCFA is expanding its efforts to revive the institution of infant adoption through sound pregnancy counseling and a public communications campaign that will promote infant adoption awareness and understanding. Our goal is not to pressure people into choosing adoption; rather, it is to enable parents with unplanned pregnancies, who may not be able or ready to parent, to consider adoption without fear, misunderstanding, or bias.You can read the whole letter here.

Without bias. Hmmm, yet you start the whole thought about how there is a decline in infant adoptions and you must do a better job of enabling women to give up their kids. Not praising the fact that these women may be standing on their own two feet and decide to keep their child, or that their family is helping out, or that the father may have stepped up. Nope, we need to enable them. Seems to be they were enabled and you feel like they stole your lunch money. Personally, I applaud that in the very early 70’s, according to their statistics, roughly 19% of babies born to white, un-married women were given up and only about 1.7% in the 90’s. (Oh and here’s a tidbit for you, according to their own stats, before ‘73 the rate was about 19% but it dropped to 7.5 between ‘73 and ‘81. You can review the PDF here if you want.

Am I biased? Yep! Are they biased? YEP!! So go read the stuff and make your own decision.

Blood is thicker than water.
English Proverb

Once there was an adoptee who was adopted into a family who already had a couple of biological daughters. She grew up thinking this was her family, this was her home. When she was an adult, her parents passed away. She turned to her sisters for comfort but was turned away because she wasn’t family. She wasn’t allowed to keep any family heirlooms, she wasn’t in the will, she felt like an outsider at the funeral.

Sound farfetched? I thought so too, until I started hearing more and more stories like this. Stories of adoptees who were told there weren’t family when it came to read the will. Stories of grandparents telling adoptees they were “really” part of the family. Stories of family heirlooms not be passed down because they wanted to “keep them within the family.” Stories of family members snubbing adoptees over other family children on holidays or birthdays. On and on and on and on. Sometimes from brothers and sisters, sometimes by grandparents or aunts and uncles, sometimes even from parents.

It’s something to think about. When you adopt a child into your family, have you thought of the impact on the rest of the family? Or the reaction of the rest of the family? Have you given any indication that you don’t really think of the child as family? I did hear one story where an aunt made some comments about an adoptee not being family and the adoptive father defended the adoptee including nearly breaking ties with his own sister. Are you willing to do that for your child?

Think about this, an adoptee grows up in a family that is not of their blood. During their life there are little things that continue to remind them; not seeing a face like theirs, school projects about family history or genetics, visiting a doctor, etc. Then to have the very family that took them in reject them, it’s amazing to me that the adoptee doesn’t break. I guess blood is thicker than ink in these cases.

Then there is a flip side. Adoptees who find their blood only to discover their mother has passed away and then be rejected by the rest of the family. Not denial that they aren’t blood but outright rejection or even lies to each other to sabotage the possibility of a relationship. Or turning their anger and fear toward this person seeking their history. Why? How can a family do this to it’s own?

Too often we are caught between two worlds; both we want to be a part of, neither truly our own.