The rest of the gang
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
I was browsing some blogs the other day and came across this one that made me think. So often we talk about the adoptee child or adult and their mother and father (both sets.) We talk about the ups and down of their reunion or lack there of. We talk about the joy and the pain, the fears and longings, and the hopes and dreams that is part of the reunion. We talk about how the adoptive parents may feel or the relationship dynamics when the adoptee searches or reunites. What we don’t seem to talk about too much is the siblings.
Several adoptees I know have reunited to find out that they have brothers and sisters. While they are excited, I noticed most of them, tend to talk about these siblings as “her children” or “his kids” as if they need to distance themselves from this other facet of their bloodline. I don’t get why. I think I would be thrilled to meet other sons and daughters of my parents but I am not reunited so then again, maybe I would do the same thing. I still wish I knew why though. Is it because they are afraid to hope they can have a relationship? Or afraid they will damage the tenuous relationship they are creating? Fear that they will be rejected?
Then there is the flip side. What is the son or daughter thinking when they found out their mom or dad has another child out there AND they have come back? Let’s face it, even if the birthparent doesn’t expect the adoptee to come searching there is still that knowledge that there is a child out there. Even if the adoptee never expects their parents to come looking for them, they still know there are people out there who share their blood. I can’t imagine the feelings a sibling who has just been blindsided must go thru. Feelings of betrayal, confusion, fear? Is that even scratching the surface?
Halfsister gave me a brief glimpse into this and it’s a little frightening.
However, I still think it’s important that we try to reunite. I still think that it’s important that we are allowed to know our roots and to meet others who share our blood. I think the secrets, lies, and shame surrounding our births should be exposed - not necessarily to the world, but to the families involved. I think our brothers and sister should be allowed to get to know us if they wish and that we should have that same opportunity and not have some agency or worse, parents, interfere with us and the possibilities.
I think as adoptees, we need to remember what the other side may be going thru. We read books about the parents feelings and about our own feelings but we need to remember the others touched by our actions. We need to remember that often their initial rejection or anger may be directed at us but probaly isn’t about us, instead a normal response to what can be earth-shattering news.
One other thing, somebody please remind me of this if I ever reunite.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:43 am
I know the feeling. Remind me too. I am now just wishing that I could reunite.
September 9th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I think reuniting is a personal decision. I think that we should be allowed to do so but I’m not sure how important it is. I know I may be a lone voice here but I can open my files and am choosing not to (for now). I think having two kids who look (and act) exactly like me has quelled some of the longing to look like someone. I also couldn’t imagine better parents than the ones I got. I have watched a number of reunions from the sidelines and have yet to personally (note personally) witness one that lived up to expectations, hopes, dreams, etc. I’ve made the committment to focus on my issues and work through them. No one can make me feel worthy but myself. I think what’s more important is that we adoptees come out from under the rocks that we’ve been living under and reclaim our lives. As a fan of Nancy Verrier, I think we need to really understand what happened to us so that we can start to live an authentic life. I know it sounds cliche but trust me, I’ve lived a hellish life of self-sabotage, self-hatred, addiction, bad relationships and chronic victimhood. Enough is enough. Thanks for your post.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Hi Colleen, Good. I agree with you, it is a personal decision and I hope everyone considers it as well as you did whatever their decision. It’s most important to me that the choice is there for us whether we take it or not and that we consider it. I too am a fan of Nancy and will be seeing her next month at the CUB retreat in Carlsbad. Can’t wait!!
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:00 am
Hi Wraith,
As someone in reunion, the half sibling thing is really difficult. I have had a fairly good experience on the maternal side and a fairly horrible experience on the paternal side.
There is something unspoken that justs makes everyone uncomfortable. My paternal half siblings are…dysfunctional. Not only are they estranged from each other but I was dragged into it. I was supposed to take sides and I chose moving on. I can’t and won’t fix them.
The maternal side is different. We try to connect but there is a bit of weirdness. I think some of it stems from the recent death of a half brother. I think they (and I) feel that it might be somehow disloyal.
The biggest block on both sides is that we have nothing in common. I was raised very differently then all of them. So we keep picking away at it…
Dan
January 19th, 2009 at 11:26 am
siblings are all but forgotten. my situation speaks to this. i am a first mother and a single mother, the youngest is adopted. they were separated when the oldest was 4 yrs old. the contact and visits never materialized and i believe it affected my family in so many ways. they are now 9 and 12 and have spoken on the phone once. we send gifts and packages every holiday but the adopters do not allow contact. there is a giant gap. no one ever considers the effect on surviving children and subsequent children. you can’t just wrap it in a bow and call it the best interests of the child, especially when there are more than one child involved. it divides up the family and has damaging effects on all.