A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up.
Anonymous

Remember that old Tootsie Pop commercial. “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?” Where the wise old owl starts to lick and count - a one, a two, a three CRUNCH!! Three licks says the owl. So how many licks does does an adoptee have to take to finally just appreciate the gift we have been given and stop trying to get something we have no right to? Don’t know, haven’t found it yet.

Why do we search though? I have been asked this many times and it’s a common topic adoptees are asked cause those not adopted often can’t fully grasp the need, the longing to know. It’s like a burning inside. Sometimes it smolders; like a little spark left from a flame, and sometimes it flares up into a roaring inferno.

Some adoptive parents I have talked to, seem worried that the adoptee is looking for their “real” parents. That term “real” is the key and I can see where they may fear it. After all, they love their children, even when grown, so you can understand how they may feel like they are losing their child. In some ways, I think they fear that they made a mistake or were “bad” parents that drove the adoptee to search. Unless you were a totally screwed up parent, that wasn’t it. It’s still a part of who we are, our blood. However, trying to stop the adoptee, either by silently putting up a wall or by outright anger toward the adoptee is wrong. Don’t take out your insecurity on your child. Deal with it and support your child, in this search, they may need you more than they have in a long time now that they are grown. Your support and understanding can be invaluable and many adoptees I have talked to say they actually grow closer to their parents as they search and reunite when they feel supported.

The bad parent thing is something to think about though. Many of the adoptee books talk about the “ghosts” or “shadow” parents. When the adoptive parents do something the adoptee doesn’t like, they may say to themselves that their birth parents would never have treated them like that (heck they may say it to the adoptive parents out loud.) When the adoptive parents do something good, it may lead to the adoptee getting irritated that the birth parents were so bad. This isn’t something that only adoptees do, kids are doing this with their moms and dads as well. “Well mom/dad would have let me!!”

So why do we search? The first answer, an the safest cause people can relate to this and it’s a way to see how much support we might get or at least basic understanding, is usually medical information. This isn’t to say it isn’t an important part. Just the easiest for non-adoptees to “click.” Science has proven and continues to prove that so much is linked to genes and it isn’t just about us but about our children and grandchildren. Please don’t start commenting how I am discounting the “nurture” side of the equation. I get that both nature and nurture play a role but we don’t know the nature part because we don’t have our blood around us to see it.

Another common one is to see someone who looks like you. Have you ever had that school assignment where you are supposed to write down were you got your eyes from, or who in your family has a similar nose, or which grandparents has ears like yours? Imagine as a kid that that is like if all you have is a piece of paper to use or have that attempt to complete the assignment become the reason you find out your adopted! Can you imagine only seeing your face when you look into the mirror and yet you see the similarities between other families? As you think about that, add in the extra layer for trans-racial adoptees.

History. There are so many layers to this one, that it’s impossible to list them all. Where did we come from? Where did our ancestors come from? Why did our family give us up? Why don’t they look for us now? Do they think of me? Am I related to any famous people form history? All these and more are part of our story too and we want to know. In DMC’s My Adoption Journey documentary, (which you can see me in for a second or two!!) a lady mentioned that you don’t start a book with Chapter 2, you start with Chapter 1. This was one of the best descriptions I have ever heard. We have our chapter 2 from our adoptive parents, and our chapter 3, 4, 5, etc… What we don’t have is our chapter 1 or even the prologue.

So how many reasons does it take for an adoptee to get to the center of their search? A one, a two, a three…. to heck with the wise old owl, it doesn’t matter what their reason or number of reasons is; this is their choice and their journey. Help and Support them unconditionally. Help us change the world for future adoptees, to give them freedoms, to know to never have to wonder without getting the answers. If you can’t give them your support, first ask yourself why? What is stopping you? Do you disagree, or are you afraid what they may find, or afraid they may leave you? If you still can’t get past this, then at least don’t hinder them by actions or inactions, or take your inability to support them out on them.

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