Ramblings of a Shadow

Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.
Michael Pritchard

So much going on, so busy. I never seem to have time to just sit down and write or think.

My birthday is coming up and I can feel the familiar feelings coming back. The longing to know, the mild depression cause I don’t, the confusion as to why she still said no contact, and the hope that maybe…..

Last January, I sent out seven letters. Previously, I had only gotten one response but only to state that it wasn’t them. On Monday, I got another letter in the return envelopes I had sent. I was shaking cause almost a year and a half afterwards and a week from my birthday, I couldn’t believe the hope I held in my hand. That didn’t last long. I opened it only to find another note saying that this person had never been to Florida and wasn’t “that Sharon Biggs.”

Nothing like a quick kick in the stomach to bring hope crashing down.

I don’t know why I am having such a hard time finding her. I think partially it’s a mental block. I mean I have a freakin name. It shouldn’t be this hard but I can’t seem to match anyone up with the info in my non-id. I guess deep down, I am afraid to get my hopes up and truly find her only to have her say no again.

I wonder why she doesn’t want to know me. What fear could be keeping her from at least trying? What pain is keeping her in hiding? I have met enough birthmoms to know that there are hundreds of little reasons that can come into play and to know that there are a hundred more I don’t know out there but that doesn’t really matter to that little kid inside of me.

Then again, I read about stories like these and I want to be happy for what I have had and currently have but the heart wants, what the heart wants.

Mine wants to find my blood

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 6th, 2008 at 11:29 am and is filed under Adoption. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.