If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

I was browsing some blogs the other day and came across this one that made me think. So often we talk about the adoptee child or adult and their mother and father (both sets.) We talk about the ups and down of their reunion or lack there of. We talk about the joy and the pain, the fears and longings, and the hopes and dreams that is part of the reunion. We talk about how the adoptive parents may feel or the relationship dynamics when the adoptee searches or reunites. What we don’t seem to talk about too much is the siblings.

Several adoptees I know have reunited to find out that they have brothers and sisters. While they are excited, I noticed most of them, tend to talk about these siblings as “her children” or “his kids” as if they need to distance themselves from this other facet of their bloodline. I don’t get why. I think I would be thrilled to meet other sons and daughters of my parents but I am not reunited so then again, maybe I would do the same thing. I still wish I knew why though. Is it because they are afraid to hope they can have a relationship? Or afraid they will damage the tenuous relationship they are creating? Fear that they will be rejected?

Then there is the flip side. What is the son or daughter thinking when they found out their mom or dad has another child out there AND they have come back? Let’s face it, even if the birthparent doesn’t expect the adoptee to come searching there is still that knowledge that there is a child out there. Even if the adoptee never expects their parents to come looking for them, they still know there are people out there who share their blood. I can’t imagine the feelings a sibling who has just been blindsided must go thru. Feelings of betrayal, confusion, fear? Is that even scratching the surface?

Halfsister gave me a brief glimpse into this and it’s a little frightening.

However, I still think it’s important that we try to reunite. I still think that it’s important that we are allowed to know our roots and to meet others who share our blood. I think the secrets, lies, and shame surrounding our births should be exposed - not necessarily to the world, but to the families involved. I think our brothers and sister should be allowed to get to know us if they wish and that we should have that same opportunity and not have some agency or worse, parents, interfere with us and the possibilities.

I think as adoptees, we need to remember what the other side may be going thru. We read books about the parents feelings and about our own feelings but we need to remember the others touched by our actions. We need to remember that often their initial rejection or anger may be directed at us but probaly isn’t about us, instead a normal response to what can be earth-shattering news.

One other thing, somebody please remind me of this if I ever reunite.

Go read this blogpost from Writing My Wrongs

A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up.
Anonymous

Remember that old Tootsie Pop commercial. “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?” Where the wise old owl starts to lick and count - a one, a two, a three CRUNCH!! Three licks says the owl. So how many licks does does an adoptee have to take to finally just appreciate the gift we have been given and stop trying to get something we have no right to? Don’t know, haven’t found it yet.

Why do we search though? I have been asked this many times and it’s a common topic adoptees are asked cause those not adopted often can’t fully grasp the need, the longing to know. It’s like a burning inside. Sometimes it smolders; like a little spark left from a flame, and sometimes it flares up into a roaring inferno.

Some adoptive parents I have talked to, seem worried that the adoptee is looking for their “real” parents. That term “real” is the key and I can see where they may fear it. After all, they love their children, even when grown, so you can understand how they may feel like they are losing their child. In some ways, I think they fear that they made a mistake or were “bad” parents that drove the adoptee to search. Unless you were a totally screwed up parent, that wasn’t it. It’s still a part of who we are, our blood. However, trying to stop the adoptee, either by silently putting up a wall or by outright anger toward the adoptee is wrong. Don’t take out your insecurity on your child. Deal with it and support your child, in this search, they may need you more than they have in a long time now that they are grown. Your support and understanding can be invaluable and many adoptees I have talked to say they actually grow closer to their parents as they search and reunite when they feel supported.

The bad parent thing is something to think about though. Many of the adoptee books talk about the “ghosts” or “shadow” parents. When the adoptive parents do something the adoptee doesn’t like, they may say to themselves that their birth parents would never have treated them like that (heck they may say it to the adoptive parents out loud.) When the adoptive parents do something good, it may lead to the adoptee getting irritated that the birth parents were so bad. This isn’t something that only adoptees do, kids are doing this with their moms and dads as well. “Well mom/dad would have let me!!”

So why do we search? The first answer, an the safest cause people can relate to this and it’s a way to see how much support we might get or at least basic understanding, is usually medical information. This isn’t to say it isn’t an important part. Just the easiest for non-adoptees to “click.” Science has proven and continues to prove that so much is linked to genes and it isn’t just about us but about our children and grandchildren. Please don’t start commenting how I am discounting the “nurture” side of the equation. I get that both nature and nurture play a role but we don’t know the nature part because we don’t have our blood around us to see it.

Another common one is to see someone who looks like you. Have you ever had that school assignment where you are supposed to write down were you got your eyes from, or who in your family has a similar nose, or which grandparents has ears like yours? Imagine as a kid that that is like if all you have is a piece of paper to use or have that attempt to complete the assignment become the reason you find out your adopted! Can you imagine only seeing your face when you look into the mirror and yet you see the similarities between other families? As you think about that, add in the extra layer for trans-racial adoptees.

History. There are so many layers to this one, that it’s impossible to list them all. Where did we come from? Where did our ancestors come from? Why did our family give us up? Why don’t they look for us now? Do they think of me? Am I related to any famous people form history? All these and more are part of our story too and we want to know. In DMC’s My Adoption Journey documentary, (which you can see me in for a second or two!!) a lady mentioned that you don’t start a book with Chapter 2, you start with Chapter 1. This was one of the best descriptions I have ever heard. We have our chapter 2 from our adoptive parents, and our chapter 3, 4, 5, etc… What we don’t have is our chapter 1 or even the prologue.

So how many reasons does it take for an adoptee to get to the center of their search? A one, a two, a three…. to heck with the wise old owl, it doesn’t matter what their reason or number of reasons is; this is their choice and their journey. Help and Support them unconditionally. Help us change the world for future adoptees, to give them freedoms, to know to never have to wonder without getting the answers. If you can’t give them your support, first ask yourself why? What is stopping you? Do you disagree, or are you afraid what they may find, or afraid they may leave you? If you still can’t get past this, then at least don’t hinder them by actions or inactions, or take your inability to support them out on them.

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
George Santayana (1863 - 1952)

So my birthday has come and gone and I survived. Actually, I did quite well. I didn’t spend hours pouring over search sites or Ancestry.com like normal. Instead I watched Eureka Season 2 (I got it as a gift, love that show!!) and exercised a bit but otherwise just relaxed.

It was a good day.

Saturday was a trip though. Originally, I was going to CUB and the adoptees were going to go to dinner afterwards just to hang out but my wife had made other arrangements. (She forgot about CUB.) She had called a buddy of mine to come over with some other friends to play Battlestations (a roll-playing space game.) We hadn’t had a game since November of last year so it was good to get my crew back. We played from about 12:30 until almost midnight and we won. Heck, I captured one of the enemy ships with just a bot at my side and a whole lot of luck!!

Today, my wife is off to visit her sister, without the kids. Should be an interesting couple of days for me.

Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.
Michael Pritchard

So much going on, so busy. I never seem to have time to just sit down and write or think.

My birthday is coming up and I can feel the familiar feelings coming back. The longing to know, the mild depression cause I don’t, the confusion as to why she still said no contact, and the hope that maybe…..

Last January, I sent out seven letters. Previously, I had only gotten one response but only to state that it wasn’t them. On Monday, I got another letter in the return envelopes I had sent. I was shaking cause almost a year and a half afterwards and a week from my birthday, I couldn’t believe the hope I held in my hand. That didn’t last long. I opened it only to find another note saying that this person had never been to Florida and wasn’t “that Sharon Biggs.”

Nothing like a quick kick in the stomach to bring hope crashing down.

I don’t know why I am having such a hard time finding her. I think partially it’s a mental block. I mean I have a freakin name. It shouldn’t be this hard but I can’t seem to match anyone up with the info in my non-id. I guess deep down, I am afraid to get my hopes up and truly find her only to have her say no again.

I wonder why she doesn’t want to know me. What fear could be keeping her from at least trying? What pain is keeping her in hiding? I have met enough birthmoms to know that there are hundreds of little reasons that can come into play and to know that there are a hundred more I don’t know out there but that doesn’t really matter to that little kid inside of me.

Then again, I read about stories like these and I want to be happy for what I have had and currently have but the heart wants, what the heart wants.

Mine wants to find my blood