So I was talking to an adoptee friend the other day, discussing some songs they are writing and the fact that they will be beginning to search in the very near future. In the course of the talk I began feeling some of those old feelings of pain and getting a little morose.

When I get this way my brain starts wandering and often that is when I write my better posts. I haven’t really let myself go like that in a while with family, school, and work but that night I did and I was in tears.

So I wrote little rhyming snippets. Not sure if I would call them poetry but they are from me.

The first two here was from thinking about my family:

although I may not say or show
I love you dear more than you’ll know
I may have friends far and wide
but its you I want by my side

and

little sons so young and free
little sons a part of me
how lucky am I to have them here
for within their eyes, myself I see

Okay, it’s not Emily Dickinson but I’ve never really written poetry before. (No jokes about how I still haven’t please.) I then floated into haiku format. Granted it’s mot truly based on the standard haiku format because nothing should be explained, the poem should make you feel and realise what it’s about.

Haiku Night
moonbeams scale thru leaves
a rhythm of stars sparkle
music of the night

Then my shields came up, my humor shields that is, designed to offset the feelings and push them away. (My Therapist always calls me on my smile because most of the session I wear it like armor.

Haiku Knight
clanging, banging steel
stomping, neighing, cheering din
music of the knight

Then things went slightly left

Haiku Adopted
soul of a feather
drifting with the lightest breeze
I am adopted

That was just weird but it kept going

shards of memory scattered on the floor
dreams and lovers who have come before
pieces of a life to be lived no more

Okay, not only a left turn but a cut across the meridian I think and now off the road completely.

a tear falls from darkest eyes
the mark of a soul that silently cries
longing to know who it is inside

So I may never be a poet but my soul scares me sometimes.

So the results are in and official - he is okay. What a relief.

What a huge hassle.

We went to the hospital today at 7:00am for the little ones CAT scan appt which was at 9:00am. At first they weren’t going to do it because he didn’t have a recent medical checkup. My wife was about in tears waiting for this and then being told this. I calmly but angrily said that we had just gotten a call from them a week before to say everything was okay so why now are they telling us we needed somethng else and that it was unfair to do this to parents.

Apprarently the scheduling department is the one who called and they screwed up whereas we were in pediatrics. They had only gotten the paperwork the night before when they caught it. It had gone thru scheduling and radiology but niether group bothered to tell us.

Anyway, pediatrics kept apologizing saying were frustrated as well. They tried to get the original physical extended by our doc but she wasn’t available and the doc on call woulnd’t extend it so they were trying to arrange an appt for us to go see the on call doc and then come back but there wasn’t any appts so finally they said they would try it if we could get him to sleep. This was around 10:45. Well of course this was right after he had finished a nap in the room so that was a no go.

Finally an assistant nurse offered to go to radiology with us and try to distract him. The radiologist strapped him down and he was crying so loud. My wife was again almost in tears and I couldn’t think of what to tell him to get him to calm down. He hated being strapped in but then the nurse started blowing bubbles and he just froze to watch the bubbles long enough for the scan to complete. So by 11:40 or so, we finally got out of there.

We find out the results this Friday. I hope this was all for nothing in the end but it could have been easier.