Fear
“They say follow your heart follow it through
But how can you when you’re split in two?”
Face To Face Siouxsie & The Banshees
I live in fear.
The doc says my youngest needs to have a CAT scan. To do it, they need to sedate him. He’s not even one and we need to sedate him. I am scared to death.
Then again, if it reveals something, it will be early enough to help before it becomes a major problem but that doesn’t make me feel better. I stare into his little sleeping face, and the fear practically freezes me. I don’t know what I would do if something happens to him, either of them. My only blood. I can’t share my fears with my wife because I know she is scared too, and I need to be strong for her.
This has gotten me thinking of my other fears. I am realizing that I am afraid to find my birthmother. I have her name and other than sending a couple of letters, I haven’t done much. Occasional searches on the internet. In truth, I don’t fear finding her, as much as the result that may come. How do I handle a second (or third depending on when you start counting) rejection? It’s like having the angel and demon on my shoulders but not only do I not know which to listen to, I am not even sure which is saying what. It’s why I haven’t really been writing, I didn’t want to think about it.
I used to a bit more outgoing. I used to enjoy camping trips, visiting other cities, that sort of thing. Not anymore. I am afraid to take my family anywhere because I am afraid something will happen to them and I will lose them. I need to get out of this rut and get back to living. My wife wants to take a family trip in the next few months and the first thought was of fear. However, I put on my best face and said sure and I will do it.
February 14th, 2008 at 6:50 am
You don’t always have to be strong. You can be there for each other, take turns.
As for your mother- When you are ready you will act. Until then please be gentle with yourself.
I hope everything has turned out well for your son. I’m sending good thoughts and prayers my friend.
February 14th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Thanks Mia, it’s driving me crazy and now it got pushed back another two weeks.
February 23rd, 2008 at 9:21 am
It’s interesting what adoption does.
I lost any semblance of extroversion after placing my daughter. Although we come from different places, my emotional reaction was so similar.
I hope you find your way back.
February 28th, 2008 at 12:53 am
I feel the same fear too…only I *have* had that second rejection, and I am looking to get a third. Only I dont think Im afraid if that so much as how this will open a can of worms for me to deal with as far as my adoptive parents go. They are good people. They gave me a life. I wanted for nothing. AND they have been supportive in my search.
But now I feel so different than I did then. I feel real pain, real loss, real grief. And I am afraid I am going to have to reveal that to them and they wont understand. I am as afraid of their rejection of me, the adoptee who is finally coming to terms with who I really am, as I am of getting a third rejection.
I just keep thinking: I dont want to end my life without having tried someting. If I die in the fog, no one will find me. So I have to do it myself.