Fear
“They say follow your heart follow it through
But how can you when you’re split in two?”
Face To Face Siouxsie & The Banshees
I live in fear.
The doc says my youngest needs to have a CAT scan. To do it, they need to sedate him. He’s not even one and we need to sedate him. I am scared to death.
Then again, if it reveals something, it will be early enough to help before it becomes a major problem but that doesn’t make me feel better. I stare into his little sleeping face, and the fear practically freezes me. I don’t know what I would do if something happens to him, either of them. My only blood. I can’t share my fears with my wife because I know she is scared too, and I need to be strong for her.
This has gotten me thinking of my other fears. I am realizing that I am afraid to find my birthmother. I have her name and other than sending a couple of letters, I haven’t done much. Occasional searches on the internet. In truth, I don’t fear finding her, as much as the result that may come. How do I handle a second (or third depending on when you start counting) rejection? It’s like having the angel and demon on my shoulders but not only do I not know which to listen to, I am not even sure which is saying what. It’s why I haven’t really been writing, I didn’t want to think about it.
I used to a bit more outgoing. I used to enjoy camping trips, visiting other cities, that sort of thing. Not anymore. I am afraid to take my family anywhere because I am afraid something will happen to them and I will lose them. I need to get out of this rut and get back to living. My wife wants to take a family trip in the next few months and the first thought was of fear. However, I put on my best face and said sure and I will do it.
You don’t always have to be strong. You can be there for each other, take turns.
As for your mother- When you are ready you will act. Until then please be gentle with yourself.
I hope everything has turned out well for your son. I’m sending good thoughts and prayers my friend.
Thanks Mia, it’s driving me crazy and now it got pushed back another two weeks.
It’s interesting what adoption does.
I lost any semblance of extroversion after placing my daughter. Although we come from different places, my emotional reaction was so similar.
I hope you find your way back.
I feel the same fear too…only I *have* had that second rejection, and I am looking to get a third. Only I dont think Im afraid if that so much as how this will open a can of worms for me to deal with as far as my adoptive parents go. They are good people. They gave me a life. I wanted for nothing. AND they have been supportive in my search.
But now I feel so different than I did then. I feel real pain, real loss, real grief. And I am afraid I am going to have to reveal that to them and they wont understand. I am as afraid of their rejection of me, the adoptee who is finally coming to terms with who I really am, as I am of getting a third rejection.
I just keep thinking: I dont want to end my life without having tried someting. If I die in the fog, no one will find me. So I have to do it myself.