Somewhere to belong.
Blood is thicker than water.
English Proverb
Once there was an adoptee who was adopted into a family who already had a couple of biological daughters. She grew up thinking this was her family, this was her home. When she was an adult, her parents passed away. She turned to her sisters for comfort but was turned away because she wasn’t family. She wasn’t allowed to keep any family heirlooms, she wasn’t in the will, she felt like an outsider at the funeral.
Sound farfetched? I thought so too, until I started hearing more and more stories like this. Stories of adoptees who were told there weren’t family when it came to read the will. Stories of grandparents telling adoptees they were “really” part of the family. Stories of family heirlooms not be passed down because they wanted to “keep them within the family.” Stories of family members snubbing adoptees over other family children on holidays or birthdays. On and on and on and on. Sometimes from brothers and sisters, sometimes by grandparents or aunts and uncles, sometimes even from parents.
It’s something to think about. When you adopt a child into your family, have you thought of the impact on the rest of the family? Or the reaction of the rest of the family? Have you given any indication that you don’t really think of the child as family? I did hear one story where an aunt made some comments about an adoptee not being family and the adoptive father defended the adoptee including nearly breaking ties with his own sister. Are you willing to do that for your child?
Think about this, an adoptee grows up in a family that is not of their blood. During their life there are little things that continue to remind them; not seeing a face like theirs, school projects about family history or genetics, visiting a doctor, etc. Then to have the very family that took them in reject them, it’s amazing to me that the adoptee doesn’t break. I guess blood is thicker than ink in these cases.
Then there is a flip side. Adoptees who find their blood only to discover their mother has passed away and then be rejected by the rest of the family. Not denial that they aren’t blood but outright rejection or even lies to each other to sabotage the possibility of a relationship. Or turning their anger and fear toward this person seeking their history. Why? How can a family do this to it’s own?
Too often we are caught between two worlds; both we want to be a part of, neither truly our own.
September 10th, 2007 at 5:40 am
horrible. truly horrible. all expectant mothers considering adoption should read this. these are the types of things that are never told to mothers and in our often desparate state they never occur to us.
also glad, once again, that I have taken a different approach (even if it is not yet appreciated)
September 10th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Wraith, wanted to say Im in the same predicament as you - I made first contact with my nmom and then it was broken off - I intend to tell the story soon in my blog. I added you to my blogroll.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:57 pm
Hi Suz, yeah it is isn’t it.
Hello 2btrue, thanks for linking me. I really need to update my own links.
September 10th, 2007 at 6:23 pm
Great post.
And there be truth in EVERY SINGLE WORD.
I had an older cousin (a-fam) who would actually introduce me as ‘Possum-she’s adopted’.
Nice.
We are doomed to be forever in the middle.
Neither fitting in here - nor - there.
The ONLY saving grace - having found other adoptees in this no-mans land.
And I’m thankful for every single one.
Poss. xxx
September 11th, 2007 at 7:53 am
Possum, I too have a cousin who never missed a chance to point out that we (my a-siblings & I) were not really “family”, just adopted. God, how I hated being dragged there for visits, thankfully it was not that often.
My only bio-sibling won’t speak with me. Extended adoptive family is not very outgoing, not mean to me if I call but not warmly receptive either. Until recently I didn’t know others went through this kind of shit. We really are stuck in the middle, often with no one to turn to but each other. And I am glad, in a sad sort of way, to know I am not alone.
Love you bastards!
September 12th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Thank you for writing this.
September 14th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Its like when my adad’s father was going through old (historical) pics, he said he was going to throw them away because none of his grandchildren were “of his blood” UGH
September 27th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Thanks for writing this — I hope a-parents read this and consider how the “family” they bring their a-child into will treat the adoptee. A hypothetical adoptee (ok, me) may grow up being treated very well by their extended adopted family and find that things can drastically change after their a-parents are gone. (ok, it hasn’t happened but it’s a fear of mine…)
December 5th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Very true. I was cast aside officially at 10 years of age…adopted by my foster family. Always introduced as adopted and listed in the family tree as such. After my adopted dad passed away my family methodically and cruely proceeded to cast me aside. Birthday cards still say..”I never thought of you as adopted..” yeah sure.
May 28th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I am a birthmom of the 60’s. I never even signed relinquishment papers but she was taken, I got to see her once thru a window for only two minutes before I was whisked away from my hometown, stripped of my church, my own family and friends and dropped 90 miles from home in another city. I was 16, no car, no money, basically just some clothes, and some of those were maternity tops. I was told to get a job, pay rent, find a way to get some food and get myself enrolled in school. I didn;t even know the streets. I was an honor society and leader in my church and I felt lost, alone, ashamed and told to never speak of it to anyone. 24 years later my daughter found me and we have been close. There is hope for some. In 90 and 91 helped in 200 reunions.. some worked and some didn;t but at least they saw faces that matched theirs. love to all adoptees but think of what happened to your birthmom also, She maybe like me..remember I never signed for her to be adopted, She was basically stolen.
July 10th, 2009 at 8:34 am
God so glad for this page. I don’t feel like I’m the only one anymore. So many things, so much pain, and no one ever cares what you say cuz it’s not their problem. I am beginning to HATE all of them. I understand now though why they treat me like I’m not even a real person. Thanks so much for posting this page.