Older but wiser?
How simple a thing it seems to me that to know ourselves as we are, we must know our mothers’ names.
Alice Walker
As I was laying my youngest son in bed just now, I was overcome with a pain deep in my chest. With tears in my eyes, I just held him for a few minutes. The feeling was so strange. I have been stressed recently; a new job, new baby, my older son has been a bit of a pill. I also have another event happening: my birthday which is a week away. As I get closer, I have been thinking more of her. Where is she, what is she doing? Why hasn’t she contacted me? So many groups that I belong to are filled with adoptees who have reunited and it’s like little pin pricks. I keep considering not going to these meetings but like a moth to a flame, of course I do. A part of me wishes my birthday was past but a part is looking forward to a few presents and dinner with my family.
It’s weird to think that some thirty plus years ago, was the last time I saw my birthmother. I wish I could remember something from back then but I can’t remember when I was thirteen much less a newborn.
I wish she would just write to me. I wish I knew for sure the name I have is hers. I wish I knew her.
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:28 am
hugs. i so understand. but as always, only from my side of the barbed wire fence of adoption.
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:59 am
Dear Wraith
My heart goes out to you - I know you are suffering.
My situation was reversed for awhile - I was desperate to hear from my son so I could wish him a happy birthday. I cried buckets on that day.
I hope your mother will contact you one day.
Until then, take care.
August 4th, 2007 at 1:36 am
one day, when you least expect it, she will come around and find you. focus on your new addition and your wife and older child. everything will eventually work out. take care. poet.
August 4th, 2007 at 1:37 am
one day, when you least expect it, she will come around and find you. focus on your new addition and your wife and older child. everything will eventually work out. take care. and happy birthday to you too!!!!!!!!!!!!poet
August 4th, 2007 at 5:48 am
I wish the same for you too. I do know, only too well.
August 4th, 2007 at 7:27 am
Birthdays are always so rough. I know that we both wonder if they are thinking of us. I think that they do. I think it is their fear of us that scares them more than anything. I know that you and I feel fear but we weren’t raised that way were we? We weren’t raised to let it control us. Sometimes I just don’t know what is really going on in their heads. I am of the frame of mind that we should be the ones contacting.
August 8th, 2007 at 11:57 am
I was listening to Alice Walker’s daughter Rebecca (equally brilliant) on the radio the other day. She said “Anger can’t imbibe the essence of family.” Don’t know why that struck me. Maybe because our mothers are fearful and anger is a fear based emotion. It made me wonder if they are capable of experiencing the true essence of family without having released that fear.
Thinking of you.
August 21st, 2007 at 9:07 am
every birthday I say a little speech to Her. I always end it with “I’m ok.” I hope one day She hears it in person.
peace.