Ten things you shouldn’t say to an adoptee.
1. Your mom loved you so much, she gave you up.
Right, whenever people say this to me, I always want to ask them if they gave their kids away and when they say no, then I would reply, “Why, you don’t love them?” Think about that. You are basically reaffirming the belief that the only way to love is to walk away.
2. You were Chosen.
In some cases, this is true but the term is something I have heard a lot of adoptees complain about. It’s sounds more like picking up a dog at the pet store, or choosing a piece of fruit. We named our group Chosen Babies as a way to kind of take it back, in the same vein as Bastard Nation.
3.(When an adoptee mentions they are searching:) Do your parents know?
(This one is usually asked with the slight look of confusion or even disgust.) Maybe they do and maybe they don’t but why do you ask? Is it to shame me for looking? Is it to remind me that I may be causing them pain and possibly some fear in searching? Are you implying I can’t handle this on my own or that I need their permission? Or maybe you are implying that there feelings are more important than mine? Which usually leads to:
4. Telling us we “owe” or should feel “grateful” to our adoptive parents.
Why is it that I can’t be grateful to my parents for raising me and still search for my roots? Why is it that wanting to know our history or see a face like ours is “not” being grateful? Have you ever looked thru a photo album of ancestors long gone? Was looking thru this being ungrateful to your parents?
5. Calling us Adopted Child.
This is one for the agencies. We are often called the Adopted Child by them. It’s almost a dismissal as if our voices don’t matter. There does seem to be a shift by some away from this but not enough. We aren’t children now. We are adults and many of us want our records and the truth, our truth.
6. I wish I was adopted.
Really? You wish you grew up looking for a face in a crowd that looks a little something about you? How about the lack of medical and having to see “the look” from doctors and nurses? The feeling of being so small while you wait for the agency to tease you with another small tidbit of info, that you don’t even know is truth or not?
7. You were so lucky.
Lucky that I have never seen someone who looks like me? Lucky that I have no medical records to share with my children for their future. Lucky that I have to pay extra money to have tests done, or extra money to try to get records that others pay a few bucks for?
8. Are you or have you ever though about looking for your “real” parents?
This one can be borderline. Which group are our “real” parents, the ones who gave us life or the ones who raised us for the beginning of our lives? In my mind, both are my “real” parents. Look up the word Parent in Websters. Definition a says one who begets. Definition b says one who brings up or cares for. Both apply. One is the foundation and the past, the other helped form the person built on that foundation.
9. What does the past really matter?
Why do people spend money logging into ancestry.com? Why do family Bibles usually have family trees in them? Because the past does matter and we have every right to know ours. This can go extra for trans-racial adoptees who may now have little or no ties to their ancestry and customs which is a crime unto itself.
10. Oh, you must be one of those angry adoptees.
Well I am now after that statement. :smile: No really, this is such a dismissal. Unfortunately, I have seen it applied to some of the least angry adoptees I have known. For example, adoptees who want their records but still understand the need for adoption. Granted, a reformed method of adoption but still adoption. Adoptees who want to teach others to prevent the next generation of going thru what we did or feeling the way we did. Adoptees who just want to promote understanding but are still dismissed by those afraid of the possibilities.
July 17th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Great list Wraith.
Linking.
Poss. xx
July 17th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Thanks Wraith for the list!
July 19th, 2007 at 8:14 am
Ain’t it the truth -
every adoptee who seeks the truth is an “angry adoptee”, ungrateful, no wonder our mothers gave us away…
I’m sick of hearing that crap.
Thank you for a great post!
July 19th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
Oh Wraith, It seems I had a few scabs that needed picking. I can always count on you to be honest and your posts find the raw emotion that my smile hides. You are a treasure. Thank you. Me
July 20th, 2007 at 1:32 am
Thought you might enjoy this much smaller list.
http://bostonuncommon.wordpress.com/2006/09/10/three-rotten-things/
July 20th, 2007 at 2:13 am
Thanks for providing a voice for adoptees.
I am sick of being asked ignorant questions and being told uninformed blanket statements.
I feel no-one knows us adoptees better than we do - no matter what walk of life we come from or what our varied attitudes towards adoption are.
i really like this blog - discovered it through poss.
Hope you don’t mind me putting a link to it on my own page.
thanks!
July 20th, 2007 at 7:54 am
Thanks Poss.
You are welcome Michelle.
Hi jim, you’re welcome.
Hey Kimbecca, wow, thanks.
Dan: ouch, the things people will say.
amiweird: not at all, thanks for visiting!!
July 20th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Dont know what possessed me to start looking up adoptee blogs today, but I am so very glad I came across yours. #10 Really hits home for me because its an issue I am struggling through right now, at the age of 40. My story is too long to go into here, but I can’t tell you how it feels to know there are others out there who feel the way I do. I dont feel isolated anymore. Thank you.
July 22nd, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Welcome Sharon, Glad you enjoyed the site. Check out the links on the side to other great blogs as well. You are definately not alone.
July 25th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Dear Wraith - thanks for the list. Although I have reunited with my son, it is worth checking lists like these so that I don’t put my foot in my mouth!! It is lists like yours that really help other peoples reunions succeed. It is working so far for me - my son and I are still friends after 4 years in a happy reunion and things are going well. Thanks again for the words of wisdom.
July 26th, 2007 at 11:08 pm
Thanks Wraith
August 21st, 2007 at 8:58 am
damn if I had a $1 for everytime I’ve been out on the streets and wished so bad that I could just run into one person who looked like me…
August 29th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Hi,
I am a mother of 2 transracially adopted children, the loves of my life. Your blog is one of the most important I have read. My children have open adoptions which I hope goes some way to healing in the future. I know that my wish to adopt, is in all honesty selfishly motivated, I wanted to be a mother. I always felt that I would put 100% into my children and provide as near perfect a home as they could experience. Sometimes I feel much guilt as I read the real pain of adoptees, I try to reconcile it all and it is hard. I want my children to know who they are in every sense of the word. Their first families are so very important to me. I just hope it is enough to help them negotiate all the hurt and stresses and confusion they may feel. I love them so much but I hope my decision to adopt them does not screw up their lives. If I had or anyone else had created the financial security for their families, they may never have been separated. instead I chose to adopt. I want to thank you for your insight and comments here. I hope that if I take all this on board I can help my kids a little to cope with the path life has taken them.
October 16th, 2007 at 11:22 am
I was adopted in 1931.
I am eternaly grateful that I was born … and then adopted.
I would not want to change a thing.
To change any of the events of my life would change the outcome and I love my life. It is not what happens to you that matters the most … it is how you percieve and deal with these events that define you.
I never met my birth parents but I am greatful for them as much as my adopted parents.
I have recntly found out who my biological parents were and met my brothers and sistes. Life is GREAT!
Grandpa Don Plefka