…therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
John Donne (1572 - 1631), Meditation XVII

We are rattling cages. Some, like Amy, are louder than others but each voice counts. Even the smallest adds to the power we have. Every voice that speaks their truth adds to the knowledge of those not involved in adoption. With them listening, the face of adoption will change. Yes, it has changed some but there is still coercion, there are still mothers who want their children back and the business owners and lawyers who fight against that, there are still many states who prevent their citizens from knowing their own truth.

I listen to the stories of adotpees searching. I hear their pain within their words, and their anger at being treated as second class citizens when it comes to their informaion. My soul resonates with it.

I listen to the words of the agency lackeys. The comments they post on other blogs, the videos they create, the stories they publish, there is an element of fear in it. Fear that the status quo isn’t going to stay. Fear that their control, their power is slowly slipping away. As each state provides Equal Acces, each government begins to acknowledge our rights, a bell tolls. My soul revels in it.

Let’s face it, Adoption is not about providing a home for unwanted children. It’s not about making a better life, even if the perspective birth mother thinks she is doing the “best thing.” I want to ask those people who put the idea that this was the “best thing” in your mind?

Adoption is about lining the coffers of board members by tearing apart families. It’s about selling babies for the “right to parent.” It’s about business disguided behind the mask of smiling faces and open hands.

Adoption is said to be a multi-billion dollar business, can you imagine what that money could do if put toward keeping families together? Can you imagine what it might be like if an adoption had to take place, the adoptee was treated with respect and had their full information and truth and it was their decision what to do with it?

Not yet though. We still have to struggle for access. We have to battle against the supposed “right to privacy.” Think about this. The government will defend the right for an accused person to face the person who accuses them. They will allow a murderer or a rapist to sit and look right at the person who is accusing them. Yet, they won’t allow me to know where my blood comes from. They will even try to enact laws to make it illegal for me to even attempt to find out.

It is changing though, slowly but surely with each small voice so don’t let it stop you. Add you voice, even if you think it doesn’t matter. Even if you think it’s just too small to really help. It does help; each story is an important piece, each voice an important instrument, each truth a light.

1. Your mom loved you so much, she gave you up.

Right, whenever people say this to me, I always want to ask them if they gave their kids away and when they say no, then I would reply, “Why, you don’t love them?” Think about that. You are basically reaffirming the belief that the only way to love is to walk away.

2. You were Chosen.

In some cases, this is true but the term is something I have heard a lot of adoptees complain about. It’s sounds more like picking up a dog at the pet store, or choosing a piece of fruit. We named our group Chosen Babies as a way to kind of take it back, in the same vein as Bastard Nation.

3.(When an adoptee mentions they are searching:) Do your parents know?

(This one is usually asked with the slight look of confusion or even disgust.) Maybe they do and maybe they don’t but why do you ask? Is it to shame me for looking? Is it to remind me that I may be causing them pain and possibly some fear in searching? Are you implying I can’t handle this on my own or that I need their permission? Or maybe you are implying that there feelings are more important than mine? Which usually leads to:

4. Telling us we “owe” or should feel “grateful” to our adoptive parents.

Why is it that I can’t be grateful to my parents for raising me and still search for my roots? Why is it that wanting to know our history or see a face like ours is “not” being grateful? Have you ever looked thru a photo album of ancestors long gone? Was looking thru this being ungrateful to your parents?

5. Calling us Adopted Child.

This is one for the agencies. We are often called the Adopted Child by them. It’s almost a dismissal as if our voices don’t matter. There does seem to be a shift by some away from this but not enough. We aren’t children now. We are adults and many of us want our records and the truth, our truth.

6. I wish I was adopted.

Really? You wish you grew up looking for a face in a crowd that looks a little something about you? How about the lack of medical and having to see “the look” from doctors and nurses? The feeling of being so small while you wait for the agency to tease you with another small tidbit of info, that you don’t even know is truth or not?

7. You were so lucky.

Lucky that I have never seen someone who looks like me? Lucky that I have no medical records to share with my children for their future. Lucky that I have to pay extra money to have tests done, or extra money to try to get records that others pay a few bucks for?

8. Are you or have you ever though about looking for your “real” parents?

This one can be borderline. Which group are our “real” parents, the ones who gave us life or the ones who raised us for the beginning of our lives? In my mind, both are my “real” parents. Look up the word Parent in Websters. Definition a says one who begets. Definition b says one who brings up or cares for. Both apply. One is the foundation and the past, the other helped form the person built on that foundation.

9. What does the past really matter?

Why do people spend money logging into ancestry.com? Why do family Bibles usually have family trees in them? Because the past does matter and we have every right to know ours. This can go extra for trans-racial adoptees who may now have little or no ties to their ancestry and customs which is a crime unto itself.

10. Oh, you must be one of those angry adoptees.

Well I am now after that statement. :smile: No really, this is such a dismissal. Unfortunately, I have seen it applied to some of the least angry adoptees I have known. For example, adoptees who want their records but still understand the need for adoption. Granted, a reformed method of adoption but still adoption. Adoptees who want to teach others to prevent the next generation of going thru what we did or feeling the way we did. Adoptees who just want to promote understanding but are still dismissed by those afraid of the possibilities.