Recommendations for Natural/Birth/First Parents
Patience is the companion of wisdom.
Saint Augustine (354 AD - 430 AD)
We got into a discussion on Chosen-Babies.com about things we would like to say to our birthparents. Below is the list that we came up with. Not everything applies to everyone but they are pretty valid.
- Be patient and don’t back away.
- Try to indulgle our curosity as things that people who are not adopted take for granted is really opening a whole new world for us and we need to be able to assumulate it into our current lives
- Own up to your truth as well as your child’s truth
- Be compassionate to us. We may have had a great life or a bad one. You may have relinquished us out of necessity or coercion but this is a big thing for us.
- Understand we aren’t all gold diggers or murderers or stalkers. We want to find a part of ourselves we have never known, to see a face that looks like ours.
- Share the information you have. Many of us don’t have access to accurate records and holding that information because it’s painful is painful for us too. Don’t make us beg or plead for our information and don’t hold it over our heads either.
- Understand that many of us consider the people who raised us our parents. Don’t disparage them to us.
- If you have relinquished and not reunited, please give any medical information to the agency as soon as you can and keep it updated. This information doesn’t just affect us, but our children and theirs as well.
- Temper any expectations on what is expected of us…ie..being YOUR child, telling us that we should be thankful we wern’t aborted.
- Stand in your own pain as I am having to stand in my own pain as a result of the circumstances
- Don’t harbor guilt about us, it will ony interfere with us getting to know each other. Don’t refer to us as the “one mistake” you made back in the day.
- Please don’t keep us a secret. Your brothers, sisters, children, and parents are our blood too.
- We are both going to feel emotionally overwhelm from time to time. When this happens, find someone to talk to about it: clergy, friend, psychologist, support group; however, do not “lash out” at me and say you would rather the reunion have not occurred. All this does is confuse and frustrate things further, and could lead to greater distance and deeper wounds being created.
- Don’t hide the name of our fathers/mothers if you have it. Whatever the relationship you had with them doesn’t affect that they are our father/mother and we should be allowed to find them if we wish. After all, they have half our history too.
- Giving us up isn’t the end of the story. While we understand there may have been extenuating circumstances the first time, the second time there shouldn’t be. Don’t reject us.
- Protect and stand up for your children’s civil rights. Speak out for equal access to original birth certificates whenever possible. Especially make it clear to the agency involved with your adoption that you SUPPORT equal access.
- ***ADDED PER COMMENT*** Don’t tell your biological child that you don’t like the name his adoptive parents chose for you
So there you go. Please feel free to comment or recommend additions to this list.
If you wish to link to this list, please give credit to the Adoptees of Chosen-Babies.com.
June 28th, 2007 at 5:55 am
GREAT list.
I so want to email this list to the husband of my first mum (who may also be my father).
Maybe a point about having us hang on for a response for years is a little cruel.
Can’t think right now - but I think you get my drift.
It’s a damn good list.
If I think of anything - I’ll get back to you.
Poss. xx
June 28th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Thanks for sharing the list. I am a first father new to reunion and I am learning how awkward reunion can be - in many ways. Need more sharing and discussion of others reunions, thoughts and needs.
June 28th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
as always, so proud of myself to be doing so well. so thankful i was so well read and educated on adoptee issues before entering reunion. i would love to see a similar list from natural mothers for adoptees. similar issues…but we dont share them as we have no right…and its all about the adoptee (wrong imo). its about us too.
but yea, good list.
June 28th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Hi Possum, on behalf of the group, thank you.
BDab, you are welcome. I would like to talk to you more about your thoughts and needs if you want. I will send an email and you can reply to me if you are interested.
Suz, I would LOVE to get more lists from every side. Since CB is just adoptees that is the only angle we can come from rightfully, although there are a few members who fall into multiple points on the plane. If you want to put on together, I would be honored to link to it or post it here if you prefer.
June 28th, 2007 at 11:03 pm
Wraith, Since my first mom did some of those things…I have some suggestions on what to do IF they mess up. (She and I didn’t talk for about three years of our 10 year reunion.) She did a lot of things right but some of the wrong stuff…shudder…ugh. I just asked to be admitted to CB tonight. I’m going to think about this post of yours and get back to you. :) Rebecca
July 4th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Dear Wraith - I like the list.
I’ve been reunited with my son for 4 years now - and things are still going well.
I suppose I could add “never assume anything”. Non-id is not always correct - my son’s was a work of fiction! His non-id actually said that I didn’t know who his father was!!
Imagine my son’s shock when I told him that not only did I know who his father was but that he had been helping me to look for him for years and wanted to meet him asap!!
I am pleased to say that my son has now reunited with his father and all of his siblings.
It is also important to just listen to each other before you decide anything.
My son and I learned a lot about each other just by listening and asking.
In our case, we didn’t want to overwhelm each other, so we devised a way to pace ourselves. I know others that have tried this and it does work well.
Allow yourselves one e-mail a week.
In that e-mail, ask 2 light-hearted questions such as “What is your favourite colour” and “What is your favourite food?” Then answer your own questions “Blue” and “Chocolate” are mine.
It is a great way of getting to know the person before the face-to-face. It makes you feel more like friends than strangers when you do meet. It is also a good way of finding out what is important to that person.
Also, get to know each other a bit before the really heavy stuff.
Friends handle this stuff better than strangers.
When you do ask the heavy stuff, try to arrange a place where you can cry and talk in private without anyone else listening in.
Try to make it just the 2 of you so that you don’t feel like you have to hold back on anything.
If I think of anything else, I’ll let you know. Those things worked for my son and I.
We are now the best of friends. We will soon be celebrating the 5th anniversary of our reunion!
July 4th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
One other thing - since we have reunited, my son is now helping me get the records opened in Ontario, along with many other people. The law has been passed to open them and despite a recent legal challenge, we are hoping that it will be implemented in full in Ontario in September.
The judge is to give his decision in August - but one of the things he did say is that “the right to privacy” is NOT a good enough arguement to veto information from anyone.
I’ll keep you posted on that.
July 4th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
I would like to mention that the first face to face should be just between the adoptee and the (bio) parent - no one else.
My son didn’t tell his adoptive parents we had reunited until after our face to face because he just didn’t want the extra pressure it would have put on both of us.
I’m not sure I would have been able to handle that either. I am grateful that we didn’t have an audience!
July 16th, 2007 at 2:06 am
One thing I would add to the list…Don’t tell your biological child that you don’t like the name his adoptive parents chose for you.
Reunited “I like my name” Dan