Patience is the companion of wisdom.
Saint Augustine (354 AD - 430 AD)

We got into a discussion on Chosen-Babies.com about things we would like to say to our birthparents. Below is the list that we came up with. Not everything applies to everyone but they are pretty valid.

1. Be patient and don’t back away.
2. Try to indulgle our curosity as things that people who are not adopted take for granted is really opening a whole new world for us and we need to be able to assumulate it into our current lives
3. Own up to your truth as well as your child’s truth
4. Be compassionate to us. We may have had a great life or a bad one. You may have relinquished us out of necessity or coercion but this is a big thing for us.
5. Understand we aren’t all gold diggers or murderers or stalkers. We want to find a part of ourselves we have never known, to see a face that looks like ours.
6. Share the information you have. Many of us don’t have access to accurate records and holding that information because it’s painful is painful for us too. Don’t make us beg or plead for our information and don’t hold it over our heads either.
7. Understand that many of us consider the people who raised us our parents. Don’t disparage them to us.
8. If you have relinquished and not reunited, please give any medical information to the agency as soon as you can and keep it updated. This information doesn’t just affect us, but our children and theirs as well.
9. Temper any expectations on what is expected of us…ie..being YOUR child, telling us that we should be thankful we wern’t aborted.
10. Stand in your own pain as I am having to stand in my own pain as a result of the circumstances
11. Don’t harbor guilt about us, it will ony interfere with us getting to know each other. Don’t refer to us as the “one mistake” you made back in the day.
12. Please don’t keep us a secret. Your brothers, sisters, children, and parents are our blood too.
13. We are both going to feel emotionally overwhelm from time to time. When this happens, find someone to talk to about it: clergy, friend, psychologist, support group; however, do not “lash out” at me and say you would rather the reunion have not occurred. All this does is confuse and frustrate things further, and could lead to greater distance and deeper wounds being created.
14. Don’t hide the name of our fathers/mothers if you have it. Whatever the relationship you had with them doesn’t affect that they are our father/mother and we should be allowed to find them if we wish. After all, they have half our history too.
15. Giving us up isn’t the end of the story. While we understand there may have been extenuating circumstances the first time, the second time there shouldn’t be. Don’t reject us.
16. Protect and stand up for your children’s civil rights. Speak out for equal access to original birth certificates whenever possible. Especially make it clear to the agency involved with your adoption that you SUPPORT equal access.
17. ***ADDED PER COMMENT*** Don’t tell your biological child that you don’t like the name his adoptive parents chose for you

So there you go. Please feel free to comment or recommend additions to this list.

If you wish to link to this list, please give credit to the Adoptees of Chosen-Babies.com.

Never does the human soul appear so strong and noble as when it foregoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury.
Edward Chapin

Adoption is not a pretty present with a cute bow. It isn’t a bowl of mud with worms in it. It isn’t a bowl full of cherries nor is it a bowl of rotten fruit.

It’s all of them and none of them.

And that is what we have here in blogland. A multitude of voices crying out to be heard.

Adoptees who believe their adotion was perfect and the best thing for them. Adoptees who have good relationships with their parents but still want to know and adoptees who had terrible adoptive parents and are full of righteous pain. We also have adoptees that fit every space in between.

Birthparents/firstparents/natural parents who feel they were cheated, abused, lied to and many with cause. We have some who willingly gave up their children but may have regretted it later or may still feel that it was the best thing. We also have everyone that fits every space in between.

Adoptive Parents who want to understand all the possibilities of what it means to be adopted, others who just want to hear how perfect it is, and still others who speak like it’s all about them. We also have everyone that fits every space in between.

In other words, we have the soul of adoption.

That’s just it. We fight and argue, we cry and comfort, we love and hate, we scream and whimper, we hope and dream. Some of us have hearts of strength, other have hearts in shards. Some of us are filled with pain, some of us with light.

Tomorrow we may switch places.

As humans, we make mistakes. We say things before we think and they come across wrong. We hurt others intentionally and unintentionally. We are hurt by others intentionally and unintentionally and lash out in return or run away. When we do this, we stop listening and stop trying to understand. We sometimes take things literally rather than understanding the feelings behind. Like the difference between the letter and spirit of the law.

Despite this the soul goes on.

Meanwhile some get hurt. Some very important voices are made to feel unimportant or invalid. Don’t stop talking though. Sometimes, the smallest instrument holds the most important melody in a symphony. The rest is just accompaniment. We just need to stop and listen to the music of another’s soul

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
Wilson Mizner (1876 - 1933)

Wow, a recent study came out that men who have served in the military are 2.13 times higher than other men to committ suicide. We apparently use a gun more often as well, 59% more often.

You can read a bit about it here. Vet Suicide

How is that for a wake up call? The research goes on to say that therapists should be on the lookout for depression and suicidal tendancies.

Another study from 2001 says adaoptees are more likely to have attempted suicide (7.6% vs 3.1%) than non-adoptees.

You can read a bit about it here. Adoptees and Suicide

Between the two, I guess I’m screwed. Luckly the only gun I have in the house is made of LEGO.

Joking aside, that’s a scary statistic. The veteran report discusses how some doctors are afraid to bring up the subject because they feel it may be a catalyst. Funny how we just don’t want to talk about it, but we need to. We have a new generation of war veterans who are returning and will need our support not our blame or ridicule. Whether you believe the war is valid or not, these men and women are not the ones who should blamed but honored and respected.

The adoption study was a bit scary as well. While it mainly centers on adolescents, the study shows there appears to be a correlation. “Although the mechanism underlying the association remains unclear, recognizing the adoptive status may help health care providers to identify youths who are at risk and to intervene before a suicide attempt occurs. It is important to note, however, that the great majority of adopted youths do not attempt suicide and that adopted and nonadopted youths in this study did not differ in other aspects of emotional and behavioral health. Furthermore, high family connectedness decreases the likelihood of suicide attempts regardless of adoptive status and represents a protective factor for all adolescents.” High family connectedness. To me, this means not keeping secrets or looking the other way. Please let this be a call to arms to adoptive parents to stop denying the possibility that your children may have issues. Instead consider the possibility and understand that when we adoptees say that your kids may have issues, we aren’t saying they are going to be screwed up and you are the one to blame, we are saying please consider it and understand it happens and be there for them.

ps for you gun people out there: the LEGO gun is a representation of the Berreta 92F which is what I carried in the Navy. You can see more here: Brick Gun. I modified the tip with a orange LEGO so it looks like a toy. Although the little Star Wars Empire emblem on the grip may have given it away as well.

Seize opportunity by the beard, for it is bald behind.
Bulgarian Proverb

Life has been crazy recently. I haven’t been happy at work for a while now and it finally came to a point that I was dreading going back after the baby leave. When I did, it wasn’t too bad but I just can’t stay. I don’t feel like I am learning anything there. I don’t have a mentor or someone to look up to and learn from.

I agonized over it for quite a while before, during, and after the baby leave, so I started looking for a new job. My wife even talked about moving out of town to where her sister lived and we considered it for a while. I had mixed feelings about this. On the one side, I looked forward to the change but on the other the change was a problem as well. I don’t have a ton of friends around here but I do have a few and I would lose them. I would also lose the support groups I belong here. Then again, like my wife said, I would probably start another group there anyway.

Unfortunately, there were few jobs in my industry which my skills would match. I am mainly a Windows administrator and a lot of the requirement included Unix which I havev never worked on. I know my wife was dissapointed but she understands as well.

Then another opportunity arrived. Not an interview but a job offer. A job offer that for a Windows administrator which also included training and experience in Unix. Also, this was with a company I knew and people I repsected.

So I turned in my resignation today. I offered two weeks notice and they asked me for three to which I agreed. Hopefully enough time for them to get someone in. I don’t want to screw them over but I can’t stay.

So it’s time for a change. Yet, I am still nervous about it. All those little self doubts come back into play. Will I be able to keep up with the work? Will I be able to learn the system in a reasonable time?

I think so. I hope so but I have to try I guess. The opportunity is just too good and the timing was amazing.

What’s that saying about God opening a window?