It’s odd that you can get so anesthetized by your own pain or your own problem that you don’t quite fully share the hell of someone close to you.
Lady Bird Johnson (1912 - )

Adoption is such a whirlwind topic. We talk about the need for equal access to records and full disclosure of medical info. We discuss the lies or “stretching” of the truth that agencies do. The false or amended birth certificates. The fake statistics thrown around or the inaccuracies about guaranteed privacy. We speak of these things that bring up such emotion.

The term birthmother is one such topic. Some think that birthmother means breeder, that it is a term used to denote that there is no real attachment. I reply poppycock. The term only means what the SPEAKER means. In my case, I use it as a term to signify the origin of me, the link to my past, the person who gave me life. I am so tired of being blasted because I use a word. You see, others don’t like the term first mom or natural mom. So what do you use?

There are so many other things that prevent us from moving forward. Stereotypes are the biggest obstacle though. We complain when those not related to adoption make stereotypes and yet we hold some of them within our community as well. For example:

Adopter/Adoptive Parents. (Note: Adopter is in the Websters dictionary and means “one who adopts”)

Adoptive parents are baby stealers and knew full well that the children were ripped from their mother’s arms. They have no interest in the children just in being seen as heroes for rescuing the children. Okay, were do you start. Why do some people keep blaming ALL adoptive parents? Do you not see how this will push away the adoptee as well? Why can you stand there and say you were coerced or tricked into giving your baby up and not think that some adoptive parents were lied to about where the child came from? Why do you assume they had a malicious intent? Stop this fighting. Yes, there are some bad apples, (the Bennet case is a good example) just as there are in every member of the plane, but stop lumping them all together or looking at all adopters thru eyes of pain. There are good ones out there that want to learn and understand that there happiness may have been born from another’s pain. Remember too that there are birthparents out there who willingly gave up their children.

Birtparents/First Parents/Natural Parents

Birthparents are drug addicted alcoholics, who were abusive and had their children removed. Oh and none of them want contact or their privacy invaded by the spawn they produced. Also they will all come steal your children back if you ever make contact with them.Okay, no. I have met a lot of birthparents, read a lot more and this one is just flat out false. Have there been drugged out birthparents? Yep. Heck, I met a few who got into drugs or alcohol to numb the pain of giving up their children and didn’t have the problem before. Do birthparents have the right to feel pain for what they went thru? Hell yes. You give back the child you adopted and see what you feel. Do they have the right to privacy? This one is a bit more tricky. Personally, I would say yes since we are blood but it’s also a layered thing. Should I as an adoptee be able to just step in and force myself into every aspect of my birthmoms life? No, of course not and there are laws already in place to prevent this for anyone. However, I should be allowed to have up to date medical info and it should be enforcable by law. I should be allowed to have the names of my mother and father and be allowed to contact them wihtout having to pay extra to some agency who has no real interest in allowing me to have contact.

Adoptees/Chosen Children

My child will never have THOSE issues. Adoptees are angry because they were adopted by mean/bad parents. Anyone who questions where they come from or search are angry adoptees. Most adoptees never even think about where they came from because they don’t need to.They might have those issues and if you aren’t willing to even think of the possibility, then you probably shouldn’t have adopted. Maybe they won’t be an angry adoptee. Maybe they won’t want to search. Then again, maybe they will be but they will never feel safe to talk to you about it or show there feelings. Oh and some of us had great parents and are still angry to be prevented from knowing our roots or being treated like “chosen children” by society and government alike. I’m willing to bet most adoptees if not all think about where they come from sometimes. The problem here is that it isn’t something we normally think about every minute of every day but I have heard it so many times, that secondary searching of every face you see for something familiar.

So we fight. We argue. We complain. We gather in our groups and say only we are right and the other members of the plane are wrong or the enemy. We buy into the stereotypes of society because our pain blinds us and it keeps us from working together. We chase each other around blogs and forums just to pick fights. Yes, there are adoptive parents who are bad, birthparents who are druggies and adoptees who are in such pain that it would kill most people. Shouldn’t we be working and talking to bring these situation to light rather than fighting against each other. Shouldn’t we listen to each side and hear their pain and/or hopes. Shouldn’t we look at each other with the intent to grow rather than just proving our point?

Meanwhile, the agencies and lawyers who are getting rich off this booming business are laughing all the way to the bank over our infighting. After all, it’s all about the benjamins…errr…children. Yeah, that’s it.

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 19th, 2007 at 8:18 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.