A while back I brought up the Adoptive Plane that a buddy (who we will call Farmer Boy) and I came up with while driving back home from an CUB retreat. Neither one of us really like the triangle so we started discussing a way to better represent it.

The Triad

The three main groups of adoption are usually represented by a triangle however, this can misrepresent the reality of the members of adoption.

The triangle appears to:

• demonstrate an equal distance or separation between the three members.
• show an equal or harmonious connection between the adoptee and the adoptee’s two families.
• symbolize that the birth family and adoptive family are raising the child’s interest above their own.
• exhibit that the relationship or communication between the adoptee and their adoptive and birth family is equal and similar.

These are rarely true.

The Plane

The plane (a flat or level surface) shows the adoptee between the other two members.

This better represents the truth behind adoption and it’s members. It can also display the way many adoptees feel like the center of a tug-of-war between their loyalties to the adoptive family and their longing to know their heritage and and blood.

By adjusting the image, the plane can illustrate an adoptee’s emotions or state of mind, moving back and forth between the two families.

This plane illustrates an adoptee moving (searching?) towards their birth family. It is also important to note that the arrow only represents the status on that side of the plane. In this case, the adoptee and Adoptive family are not moving away nor moving closer.

This plane illustrates an adoptee moving towards their adoptive family. (Retreating to familiarity?) Again, this movement has no impact on the birth family side in this diagram.

This plane can illustrate an adoptee’s emotions being torn between their two families.

Here is another representation of an adoptee who is pulling away from his adoptive family and they from him as he moves toward his biological family.

I was asked once why we call it a plane instead of just the Adoptive line. The reason is that there can be multiple lines branching out in different directions.

The following plane represents me at the time of writing, an adoptee who is currently searching for his birth family. The relationship with the adoptive family is good and they are supportive of the adoptee searching which is representative of each dot having an arrow pointing toward each other.

As you can see, the birth father is a question mark since he is unknown. I am trying to move towards the birth mother, however she is moving away since she denied contact. An uncle was also notified I was looking but the angency won’t put us in contact. Note also, the connecting line between the adoptee and the adoptive family has grown shorter to represent the closeness and support.

Finally, this is my sister’s who is in the process of reuniting now.

She is close with our parents and they are in full support. She has recently recieved a letter from her mother who is interested in contact. She does not currently know who her father is.

The Goal

The goal is to join all three representative circles into one family. A melding, as it were, of the adoptees two families into one united family which still have characteristics of each family. I know this is probably pretty rare but not inconceivable.

Conclusion

While Farmer Boy and I understand this is not an exact method of measurement, we believe it is a much better visual of the true nature of adoption as well as the feelings of each member of the plane. It also allows for the including of other facets usually left of by the triangle such as spouses, aunts, uncles, siblings, etc.

So what do you think?

Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death, that’s all.
William Goldman, “The Princess Bride”

I recieved some shocking news yesterday and it’s really sinking in today. Amidst the joy of a new life, I learn of another cut short.

PJ was an adoptee. I met him via email when he requested info on a support group I run. He lived a ways away from that group but I recommended CUB to him and then later met him f2f at the next meeting. He was kind of quiet but not overly shy and spoke up at the first meeting, iving some basic info. (Many people, myself included, stay pretty quite at our first meetings until we get the lay of the land.)

He seemed like a pretty good guy, even came to my house for an adoptee get together I had back in January. He was very picky about what he ate (like we all should be in this age of e. coli and trans fat) but brought his own stuff so as not to put anyone out.

Despite all this, there was something about him that rubbed me wrong. I’m not sure what. maybe a bit of jealousy on my part? Another male in a group? I’m not sure because I can’t really put my finger on it which means it was pretty much in my head and not anything wrong with him.

However, yesterday I recieved news that he had committed suicide.

I don’t know what to think at the moment. I am sad that this person whom I knew, not necessarily a friend but a good acquaintance, is gone by his own hand. Someone who spoke intelligently about stuff and seemed to be together. Someone whom I never would have expected to do this.

I’m also angry. I’m angry that he did this. That I didn’t do anything to stop him. I’m angry that don’t know why.

There are so many resources now to help people that I don’t get why he did this. Why didn’t he contact one of us, there are a bunch of here, many of whom he hung out with quite a bit. Why didn’t he get help?

This looks like something he planned out, for a few months. Something that was floating around in his mind as he set in meetings and talked, went out with friends, chatted via email. I just don’t get it.

If you get to that point, please contact someone. Please get help. There is always something else that can come about and there is always the possibility that your luck could change.

There is a song by Peter Gabriel that I find very apropos. It’s about a man who is at the end of his rope.

Don’t give up
cause you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not the only one
Don’t give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don’t give up
You still have us
Don’t give up now
We’re proud of who you are
Don’t give up
You know it’s never been easy
Don’t give up
cause I believe there’s a place
there’s a place where we belong.
Peter Gabriel “Don’t Give Up”

I hope your spirit has found peace and the answers to all the questions your life was never able to answer.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.
Leo J. Burke

This little life, so tiny and cute, is just so perfect. Tiny little fingers and really long toes. A cherub face and sweet cry (so far.)

There is one fault. He has the unfailing capacity to pee on cue. Every cue comes when his diaper is being changed. His aim is impecable as well. Even when we put a cloth over him, he will kick it off, THEN pee on whoever is changing him. He rarely seems to pee in his diaper.

The really funny thing is that it seems like he plans it. Yeah, I know he is too young but he crys and crys while changing his diaper but once he pees on you, he stops crying and just puts his hands on either side of his face like his is saying, “Did I do that?” Too cute for words.

On the other side, my sister may have news and yet she is worried about me being upset if she is able to reunite with her mother while I couldn’t. So, I am officially and publicly saying, I am very happy for this opportunity for her. I think it is awesome that she took this step to try and I wouldn’t wish what I have gone thru on anyone much less the even worse scenarios others have gone thru. So sis, please go forward with my blessing and prayers. Yes I am a little jealous, yes, I wish I could reunite too but that doesn’t mean I wish you wouldn’t and it doesn’t mean that I will love you any less. Like you said, you are my sister even if you have more siblings now.

Oops, sounds like he just got mommy, gotta go. :grin:

A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
George Moore

Baby and mom are home now and doing well. He is a small bundle of joy (read: sleepless giddy,) song (read: cry to melt your soul,) and bearer of small gifts (read: well you know what that means.)

The hospital was amazing. The room was huge and private. They also had a policy of keeping the baby with mom as much as possible. From the minute I cut the cord and followed him into the nursery for observation and his first bath (which took about 2 hours in all) until we wheeled him into the mom’s room, he was only out of our sight for approximately fifteen minutes over the next four days. The doctor, pediatrician, and nurses all came to the room to check him, not taking him out. I could have stayed every night if I wanted but I had to take care of my older son who couldn’t stay.

Of course, as I held my new son, my thoughts drifted to my own birth and subsequent adoption. I realised my mother may never have held me. I wonder if I was held by anyone who cared for me or loved me before my mom and dad held me.

For me though, it was less than a month. There are others that weren’t placed for months or even years. I wonder who held them?

Bottom line though, I have blood relatives now and a family. Even if I never find her or them; I have parents, a sister, a wife, and two greats sons. I am still not going to give up but I have a good life here. Especially with these two:

I want to thank you all for your kind words. I have been reading all comments even if I haven’t replied. I have recieved a great addition to the Recommendations for Adoptive Parents from Michelle that I want to list and a revisit of the Adoptive Plane.

consanguineous \kon-san(g)-GWIN-ee-us\, adjective: Of the same blood; related by birth; descended from the same parent or ancestor.

A long time ago, in a state quite a bit away, a little baby was born. He was warm and comfy and new to the world but he was put up for adoption. A month later he was taken home with people he didn’t recognize but grew up to realise they were a warm and loving family that accepted him as their own (as opposed to IF he was there own.)

He grew up to be a strong young man and followed in his granddad’s and dad’s footsteps and joined the Navy, serving for many years . During that time, he met a girl thru a letter while in the Gulf. They began dating when he returned state-side then later got married. Several years later they had a son.

This really threw the guy for a loop because this child was the first blood relative he had ever met. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to react. He didn’t know what to feel. Heck, he wasn’t sure how to really feel. So he panicked.

After a time, he realised what an idiot he was being and started sorting thru his feelings. He began searching for his mother and met other people searching too. He saw some reunite successfully, others not so much, and others not reunite at all, yet he still continued.

Then one day the agency called and said they had found her. Unfortunately, she didn’t want contact so they wouldn’t tell him anything, not even the hospital he was born in. He was devastated. He could not accept this. He would not accept this. Even if she doesn’t want face to face, he felt he still deserved to know his roots or siblings, or his father, or aunts, uncles, and the hospital he was born in. His mom and dad wanted to meet them too so they tried to help all they could. He searched and searched but couldn’t find anything.

Today, he has met a new member of his bloodline. Not one who holds a key to his past but one who is for the future and he knows what, and how, to feel now. Today is a beautiful day and all is right in his world.

May I present my second blood relative born this day:

Children are the only form of immortality that we can be sure of.
Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)

Therefore search and see if there is not some place where you may invest your humanity.
Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)

Question for those of you who write a blog. Have you ever checked out how people get to you? For example, I use sitemeter to track hits on my blog and get a report of where people come from when they get to my blog. A few come from my homepage and quite a few come from other bloggers such as This Woman’s Work or Bijou’s Bastardized Odyssey

Then there are the people who get here by searching for a topic. For example, someone used the search string “angry post forums adoption” and I came up number 5 in the list on Google for my topic “Angry at Adoption”

Kind of funny. :smile: Here are some others:

short sensitive sentences Definately not what they were searching for.

my son sneaks out at night how do i stop it not exactly along the same lines but not sure I would trust the internet for help on this topic. The people at Home Depot might have a few ideas though.

Triangle of Love Symbol of Adoption I think they got a bit more than they bargained for.

reason why an adopted chid should know he was adopted This one is kind of funny because I misspelled child the same way in the post so I came up first.

crazy articulate ramblings Yes it was.

adopted bad pet says any thing that you type Wow, who looks for these things?

“forward time exp” Someone else is getting bounced letters I see.

example of a goodwill letter asking for a donation Definately not a good example.

adoption bad child Well of course I would come up :smitten:

So how did you come here today?