I am convinced that many of you have taken your anger and bitterness and have dwelled on it for so long that you have created the illusion in your minds that YOU ARE STILL THE PARENTS OF THE CHILDREN YOU WILLINGLY GAVE UP!!! Adoptive parents do not raise “other” peoples children - we raise OUR children. Giving birth to a child does not make you a parent - you actually HAVE TO PARENT a child to be a parent.
Anon on Claud’s Blog. Capital letters were in original comment.

Wow, that sort of just reaches out and grabs you by the throat for a quick throttle, doesn’t it. Quite a few comments on that one, many from birthparents so I will leave their side alone. However, from an adoptees side I won’t.

My first reaction was very visceral. I actually went back two different times before I final commented on the third visit. I still have been thinking about it even though it’s been a few days because it really got to me.

Okay, let’s look at the definition of parent first. Webster’s dictionary breaks it down to:

• one that begets or brings forth offspring
• a person who brings up and cares for another

Well, if you look at the first definition then birthparents do fall under “parents.” However, let’s look at the visceral reaction to this. Is my birthmom a parent to me? Maybe not in the way that I think of my parents but she is the link to my genetic and family history. There is no way around it. We are related by blood. No matter how much I love or appreciate my parents, no matter what they have given me for a life, they didn’t give me life. I can’t change that. Like I have said before, I wish I could share their blood, they are good people.

I think part of the problem I had was that the commenter just seems to totally discount what the adoptee may feel. Reading thru this as it is seems like they are talking about property not a human being who will have their own feelings in the matter. If I had heard my parents make a comment like this, I would never have told them I was searching and may not have even searched, not because I didn’t want to but because I was afraid of their reactions. Children should not be afraid of their parents like that.

Yet, some are. Some adoptive parents can’t seem to get past the fact that they didn’t get a blank slate off an assembly line. Okay that may be a bit harsh but please understand this child you are taking in may be your child and a new member of your family but he/she has blood ties to another and should be completely respected if he/she wants to find them. It isn’t about you. If the birthparents are bitter because of what they went thru when they gave up the child, whether it’s because they did it or were forced/coerced into doing it then again it isn’t about you. Don’t give me this crap about how much it has changed. Tell that to Rashead or Bennet or those kids who were locked in overturned baby cribs or the Russian child who was adopted by a pedophile. There have been changes but not necessarily for the better.

The bottom line though is that it should be up to the adoptee in reality. We are the ones with ties both ways and we are the ones who should get to decide on our own if we want. We are the ones who didn’t have any sort of choice and even as adults are treated like children, not allowed to have our own records, know our own past, or make our own decisions in too many cases. We should be the ones to decide who our parents are one group, the other, both, or neither.

Let’s face it, why does it matter to so many people if the adoptee finds his/her blood? What is the danger to the parents who raised them? Why do people seem so surprised that an adoptee can have a great relationship with the parents who raised them and still want to search? Why do so many people think its disrespectful to the adoptive parents? Why does it seem so weird that an adoptee can have a positive relationship with both? People have positive relationships with their parents and the in-laws all the time at the same time. (Okay, that may sometimes be a stretch but it does happen.)

Then again, I guess things are changing. Adoptees are standing up and speaking for ourselves. We want to be heard; our thoughts and words given credit and not tossed aside. We want to not feel like we are in the middle of a multi-point tug-of-war between both of our parents and the rest of society. We are saying that we aren’t children anymore.

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