What If - Revisted
What if thousands of children a year are abandoned in cities and countries in Eastern Europe that nobody cares about? What if they never experience the love and acceptance of a good family? What if they grow up wondering if they have ever felt loved or wanted in their whole lives? What if they were abused in their orphanages? What if indeed. Your story is not the only one.
Comment by Alex on What If
The above was a comment on my What If entry. I replied in comments saying What if we worked to find out WHY they are being abandoned and work on that, rather than seeing it as a money making windfall for agencies and governments? I never said my story was the only one, actually, I have stated that there are as many stories in adoption as there are people touched by adoption. My point was to not discount our stories as adoptees because because of one persons “need” to “rescue” a child.
On further reflection, I think I need to go further. You are perfectly correct Alex, my story is not the only one, nor do I think I have ever said it was but if I have or have given the impression, then I apologize.
My point wasn’t to discount adoption. It wasn’t to say adoption doesn’t have it’s place. In the examples you provided then yes adoption could be the answer to provide a family to these children. My point was to listen to the stories, fears, hopes, and dreams of adoptees who have gone thru a myriad of stories and learn from them. Understand what adoptees who have gone before have been thru so that if you decide to adopt, then you may have more knowledge on the possibilities. Too often, we are told to “get over it” as Rebecca mentioned or told how lucky we are, or reminded about the kids who didn’t get adopted. Our thoughts and feelings are the ones being discounted when comments like that are made.
Adoption looks good on paper. A childless family will be able to have a beautiful child to call there own who will bond to them. The past is locked away to protect the child from the stigma of illegitimacy (although, I don’t get this. Why would it be a stigma on the child? When you think about it, I actually have two mothers and two fathers so I should actually be one-up on kids who grew up with their blood, right? Okay, a tad bit of sarcasm there but the whole illegitimacy thing is very annoying.) It doesn’t always work out like that. Shouldn’t we look into making sure that it’s the best option for the child, rather than just lip service?
No, my story isn’t the only one. It is one of a chorus of voices who each have their own tune, some quiet and some loud, some with pain and some with joy, some with longing and some with hope, some with happiness and some with anger, some with loss and some with fear, but all equally important to know and hear. Hopefully, there are some who will hear my story or those of the other bloggers and find the strength to shares theirs as well.
February 15th, 2007 at 6:52 am
Wraith, thanks for your comments. I think that what you are saying makes sense and is valuable for anyone who would consider adopting. I am seriously disturbed when I read about some adoptees stories, how their parents lied to them, covered up the truth, whatever. I am just trying to find a way through all the different things that I read. Some things say that adoptive parents are pure evil who are perpetuating a corrupt system, some things say that adopting a child is near saintliness! Here in the Czech Republic, people can only adopt children from orphanages. There are no agencies, you work directly through social services and there are minimal costs. (so its not in anyone’s interests to abandon their children/give them up for adoption…) I agree that emphasising the “rescuing” factor with your adopted child isn’t right, but at the same time, the dilemma that faces me is this: that no child should have to grow up in an orphanage. Children need families. My husband and I have not tried to have children yet, and I cannot deny that if we decide to adopt, it will be because we believe that we can try to be good parents for a child that otherwise would grow up without anyone caring for them. Is that wrong? I agree that it is important to find out why children are being abandoned to taken to orphanages, but in the meantime, many children are without a family. Both things are important, and they need to go hand-in-hand. Because no matter what, there will always be children abandoned. There will always be different social, economic, religious and cultural reasons for parents to believe that it may be the best/only solution. We cannot just wait for the perfect solution which will stop this happening. Sometimes we have to do something. There are some prospective adoptive parents who honestly feel that they want to do something to help these children. Some of these parents could just as easily have biological children, which really, would be alot easier in a sense. I just don’t want to be made to feel like I am doing something terrible when I am actually trying to reach out in love towards someone else.
February 15th, 2007 at 10:01 am
I was speaking to a woman the other day who went to China to adopt her daughters. We were discussing the availability of information to adoptees these days and I was startled to hear about how these children are just dumped at the doorstep of orphanages. She laughed when I inquired about birth records because there just isn’t any.
I guess I see all sides and I guess that I am fortunate I have never been told to get over it or been reminded how lucky I am…
Food for thought!
February 15th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Wraith, Another great post. I’m sure I look ridiculous sitting at my computer nodding away, ut I agree with you wholeheartedly. I struggle with blogging because it seems like our point is often missed. Overall, most of us adoptees aren’t saying to get rid of adoption but instead saying “I’ve been there, listen to me, it can be done BETTER.” Maybe we intimidate people. I don’t know. What I do know is that blogs like yours are making a difference in people’s lives. On behalf of your fellow adoptees, thank you. :) Rebecca
February 15th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Another great post Wraith.
What worries me mostly about adoption - even when it is done as best as possible - is that it erases the child’s history & geneology. With adoption they get a new birth certificate - a new identity. It says to me - that their past and where they came from means NOTHING/NADA/NIL. That’s what truly hurts the most. By saying their past means nothing - it kind of says that deep deep down, the child’s core being means nothing. Sure - if there is no other alternative - especially in the case of abandoned children - some kind of adoption or even legal guardianship is what is needed. It just worries me to hear that people would rather adopt from overseas so that the birth mother won’t come looking for them etc - that’s when I really fear for the adoptive child. NOW - thank goodness - there are many adoptive parents who don’t think this way - and there are those that are trying to REALLY do the best FOR THE CHILD. There are just some fundamental flaws in the whole system - and if people would only just read and listen to what other adoptees are REALLY feeling - maybe - just maybe - a difference for the CHILD will be made.
Thank you for your strong voice Wraith - you give me, and other adoptees the strength to find our own voices - and maybe together we will one day be heard.
Big hugs, C. xx
February 19th, 2007 at 10:47 am
Wraith,
I’ve seen your comments on others’ blogs and your blog has been recommended to me — as have others who I see commenting here. I’ll have to get to theirs as well. I need to find the time to do so :).
Anyways — I have to say that I haven’t read the original post. Must get to that. But I appreciate this post. I’m one of those adoptive parents who did go out of country to adopt, but not to escape our son’s birth mother (I say “mother” not to exclude the father but because he really wasn’t in the picture when our son was born; we know more about our son’s situation than many adoptive parents do and are fortunate to do so).
OK, I seem to be not saying much at all; I guess I’ll just include this then as a general introduction and a way to say “I like what you write and will be back to read more.” I’m learning so much from reading adoptees’ words. It’s so vitally important for me to do so. I believe wholeheartedly that by doing that with an open mind and heart and reflecting on what I read, it can only make me a better parent to my son. That’s my wish anyway.
Enough babbling for now. :)