Recommendations for Adoptive Parents - Revisited
There are few nudities so objectionable as the naked truth.
Agnes Repplier (1855 - 1950)
I have been out of town for the past few days (no internet access, talk about withdrawals) so I want to make a blanket “thank you” to all those who have commented. I have recieved one more returned letter but no actual responses. I did find one other address so I am going to send a letter to them.
I have recieved several requests for the recommendations for adoptive parents so I recompiled the list and am posting it again. As before, please feel free to make recommendations in the comments for more items or clarification.
- Educate yourself, read every book you can find on adoptees and on being an adoptive parent. (If you need any recommendations, ask me)
- Decide now, if you are doing this for a child, or for yourself. (Is it about image or love? Is it about your own needs, to be a parent, to be needed, to fit in society?)
- Mourn what you may not have. (As in blood children of their own.)
- Never say, “We love you as our own.” The adoptee will be your child and that’s a mixed message if there ever was one.
- Don’t overdo the “you are so special/lucky” thing. They aren’t going to feel that, so actions will speak louder than words.
- Always be there for them, they may have anxiety when you leave them at daycare, or anywhere else. This is normal for most kids, but often worse for an adoptee.
- Join a support group, somewhere they can play with other adopted kids and you can talk about your life with your child.
- Love them unconditionally. Even when they shout you are not my family. Even more so then.
- Find out everything you can about your child’s heritage and family and try to incorporate some of it into your own. Allow them to freedom to explore their history as well as yours.
- Don’t take it personal if they decide to search for their blood. It’s not about you or something you did wrong, it’s about wanting to know where you came from. After all, you probably know where you came from right?
- Be honest in all things. Don’t LIE to your adopted chid about their origins.
- Love them, UNCONDITIONALLY.
- If a member of the birthfamily comes around searching, be honest and truthful with the adoptee about it. Let them make the decision or if still very young, ask their opinion. Don’t hold it against them and don’t think you need to “defend” your child from these people. After all, from a biological stand point, your child is theirs as well.
- If the adoptee is reunited, try to not hold animosity toward the birth family. Also understand that the adoptee may spend more time with them for a while. He or she hasn’t forgotten you, they are just reveling in something new, like looking at someone who looks like them. (Want to know what I mean? If you are ever around a bunch of adoptees and one of them just reunited and is showing pictures, the first comment is probably going to be “Wow, you look just like them.” It’s one of the first things we notice, because we don’t see it in ourselves.)
- Encourage them to talk about adoption and their birth family. Never give them any sense that it is not proper to talk about it -by a look, tone of voice, etc.
- Do not expect that if you “love them enough” that will solve magically solve all adoption issues that they might have.
- Never say anything negative about the birth family. Part of their identity comes from their birth family. Insulting the birth family is like insulting the child.
- Never “make up” anything about the birth family. If you do, it may come back to bite you later.
- Encourage contact with the birth family. Never withhold any letters, pictures, etc. unless it is necessary for safety concerns.
- Do not wait to “tell” a child they are adopted. Make it something that they have always known.
- Never say “I understand how you feel or I know what you are going through.” Unless you have been adopted yourself, and even then, you have no way of truly understanding the pain and hurt that an adoptee may be feeling. That’s not saying that you shouldn’t try or listen.
- LOVE THEM, UNCONDITIONALLY.
This list may be shared or linked to if you wish.
EDIT: As per Rebecca’s comment:
23. Validate the adoptees feelings. Just like every other human, we have feelings such as pain and loss and should be allowed to feel them and work thru them, not bury them. Comments like “get over it” just say that you aren’t willing to allow us to process and we need to hide our true feelings from you.
February 11th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
copied and credited. wonderful list. its everything i have ever heard or read in one complete succint list.
February 12th, 2007 at 6:22 am
great list, wraith. i was not sure how to go about telling my a parents that i was looking to reconnect with b family, but followed through as best i could so as not to have them feel insecure. they were ok with the whole thing, and in the end, it all worked out. my a family is my family, my b family are people i met, learned about and have since grown away from. i guess there is far too much going on in my life to deal with any of that from years gone by.
i hope that all is well for you and your family…..keeping my eye on you…..poet
February 12th, 2007 at 9:57 am
This is a great list.
February 12th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Wraith, Awesome list. I love it. It’s fantastic. The only other thing that I might add would be to validate the adoptees feelings even if you’ve never felt them. Like depression. Don’t say “get over it”, ect.
I think you’ve done a great service to many people by putting together and posting this list. I’m sorry that your wait for responses hasn’t gone better. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way, Rebecca
February 12th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Excellent!! I wish every potential adoptive parent would read this.
February 12th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
Fantastic list Wraith.
Should be mandatory reading for all adoptive parents.
I’m linking to this.
Thinking of you.
Big hugs, C. xx
February 12th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
As a soon-to-be adoptive, first-time parent, I love this list, and I take the recommendations to heart. The only one I’m struggling with is #2. Am I doing this for a child, or for myself? Well, I’m certainly not looking to ’save’ or ‘rescue’ a child. She should never feel obligated to feel grateful, and nobody should ever say “You are so lucky” to her. So am I doing it for myself? well, sort of- my husband and I have wanted children for 7 years- we yearn to give our lives over to a child - and to child-rearing, with all the joys and struggles that it will bring. We WILL love this child unconditionally, eternally. But I can’t in any honesty say I made the decision to adopt because of anything but my own desire to raise a child. Selfish? maybe…
February 12th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Thank you for adding my suggestion. I’ve posted your list in my blog too. I really admire you. :) Rebecca
February 12th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Wow, this is amazing. I cannot say enough of how TRUE this is…. Thank you, so much for sharing this!
February 14th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
My friend, Rebecca posted a link in her journal to yours. I’ve been reading here, as well as reading many other blogs that you link to about adoption. I was wondering if you know of any resources for birth mothers who have their birth child, but have allowed their spouses [who are not the birth father] adopt the child.
February 19th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Wonderful list. Thank you.
April 11th, 2007 at 11:08 pm
That is a really great list!
A few things to consider adding…
-Don’t assume that the child will view the adoption as something wonderful and don’t ever expect them to be grateful to you. Especially with children who are older (from foster care or international), they may see adoption as disrupting their world completely and removing the last ties to their birthfamily, whether that is true or not. It is natural for the adoptive parent to be thrilled about a child arriving to their home but try to temper that and ease the child through the transition phases as slowly as possible. Keep things lowkey and simple to start.
-Be your child’s strongest advocate. Adoption can bring challenges for a child as well as for family. There is just a higher percentage chance you’ll have to deal with something, be it because of adoption in general or because of known or unknown issues that child has. I don’t mean that to scare anyone but it is just the truth - there are unknown factors involved in adoption and just adoption itself can be a big trauma to process. So be prepared to navigate government, school, international, social services, therapeutic, medical and other situations. Get all the help you can get for your child. Challenge the system if needed, get 2nd opinions, find new help if you don’t like what is going on. Just like any parent, you’ll need to be your child’s strongest supporter.
If you like them, feel free to reword!
Rebecca’s comment was great on validation. It is so in my character to want to try to fix things but I now try hard when my daughter is speaking to just listen to her and repeat back her feelings (’So you are feeling sad because you miss your sister?). Or just offer her an ‘i’m so sorry, that must be tough/sad’ and a hug . I try to ask if there is something I can do to help and if I can offer something AFTER she has spoken, I do.
Another part of validation too is letting your child know it is ok to be SAD. If they are sad, don’t try to cheer them up all the time - let them grieve their loss/es. Don’t try to change the situation with gifts and fun times always. Give them some space and either let them come around or at some point, help them COPE with their feelings in a healthy way. Let your child see YOU be sad, share some of your losses as they get older and can understand. Let a child know they are allowed to have all the emotions under the sun. They don’t have to hide them.
I’m running on at the mouth… 2am brain, ugh. thanks for your efforts here!
April 23rd, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Thank you - I have this linked from my website.
April 24th, 2007 at 7:12 am
I copied this list and posted a link at the Forever Parents blog.
March 21st, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Thank you so much for this list. I am searching for my birth family and have located them through the adoption agency and am awaiting disclosures signed by them. I have not yet told my adoptive parents about my search because they have always been SO against it. My adoptive mother actually told me that she wants me to wait until she is dead to search. I am going to probably be telling them in person in June and this list may help me to break the ice and make it a little easier. Thanks so much!
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Thank you for this post.
August 5th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Thank you - this is wonderful.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:07 am
Adopting a child is a good thing. But why do you adopt? Do you have any probs in getting child? After adopting you have to face many difficulties like adjusting with the child in a differernt situation.Recheck yourselves before adopting.
Regards, Mary Lee
http://www.adoptionagencies.biz/