Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914)

What makes me, me? This is really what the last post was about, or at least partially about. So what makes me, me? Am I things I have done? Things done to me? Am I what people think or what I think? A combination there of?

So who am I?

• I am 6′5″, 280lbs, light skin that doesn’t tan well, medium brown hair and dark brown eyes,
• I had one close friend growing up but we have barely talked since I went into the military,
• I barely remember my childhood, only snippets,
• I was a perfect chameleon as a kid and as an adult,
• I served 11 years in the Navy, recieving an honorable discharge,
• I don’t remember my dreams normally. Only very intense ones and very rarely,
• Other than during overseas tours, I have never been without a girlfriend longer than two weeks,
• I did this because I didn’t want to be alone,
• I work on computers all day and then turn on my computer when I get home,
• I am a bit insecure,
• I love Sci-Fi; specifically Stargate, Doctor Who, Firefly, and Star Trek,
• I read like mad, going thru at least one paperback a week if not more, Repairman Jack novels being my favorite
• I have a large DVD collection,
• I use all of them as an escape when stressed,
• I hate math,
• I need to lose weight,
• I met my wife thru the mail,
• I have never done drugs, only smoked about 6 cigarettes in my life, and don’t drink,
• I haven’t done these things because I fear losing myself or control,
• I have a lot of Lego, the most recent is a gun made of Lego that looks exactly like the Beretta 92F I carried in the Navy,
• I like my job but it is frustrating,
• I still wear my dog tags and have one in my boot,
• I love my wife but don’t understand why she loves me,
• I love my son, but I don’t understand him,
• I do believe I have issues from my adoption,
• I also have issues with adoption,
• I have great adoptive parents and they will always be my parents,
• I still want to know the ones who created me,
• I worked on this list for a week, I wasn’t sure I wanted to post it.

I am I.

Who are you?

They told me there was nothing out there, nothing to fear. But the night my parents were murdered I caught a glimpse of something. I’ve looked for it ever since. I went around the world, searched in all the shadows. And there is something out there in the darkness, something terrifying, something that will not stop until it gets revenge… Me.
Bruce Wayne: Batman Begins

As I continue to think about the great weekend I had, I realised a trend in my likes.

For example, I have always been a fan of Batman and other superheroes. Have you ever noticed how they all seem to have lost their parents and been raised by someone else? Batman’s were killed in front of him, Superman’s were blown to smithereens along with his entire planet, the DC version of The Question grew up in foster care and started his life wanting to know who he was. The sidekicks were also usually orphans.

Then there are the tv shows/movies. TimeCop’s main character was in foster care and then adopted. Deep Space Nine has Odo, who spends the first half of the series searching then the second half trying to fit in and get both sides of his family to make peace with each other. Pretender and his search for a family he barely remembers while staying ahead of those who kidnapped him as a child. CSIs (pick one) is all about finding the story behind the mystery. Recently, I netflixed Farscape, a story about a human that gets sucked thru a wormhole and ends up in a distant part of the galaxy with a ragtag band of aliens who are all looking for their homes. Don’t forget Star Wars, a story about a young man who was raised by his aunt and uncle who gets tied up with someone who lets him know he has a sister who was adopted and later finds his dad and starts on a journey to save him. Even Doctor Who has the wandering traveler theme, trying to make friends but never fitting in anywhere, even at home.

The books as well. My personal favorite is White Wing by Gordan Kendall, a tale about the remants of humanity who are fighting alongside a group of different aliens to defeat what amounts to galatic drug runners. One of the main characters goes thru a ton of stuff and in the end finds a home with his people and the truth behind a lot of secrets.

Hmm, some linking there? Even as a child, I would write stories for class or for fun that would always involve some stranger without a family who would be the hero. This was before I even knew the story of Batman other than the campy Adam West version. (Which is still funny but not really Batman per se.)

So why though? I have a good family. I am not one of the adoptees who were adopted for show or because the parents wanted to fix something.

As I have discussed before, I have always been a bit of a loner, or at least standing on the edge. I never felt I fit in anywhere so maybe I could just relate to these people. I wonder how much reading or seeing these stories influenced how I react to adoption stuff or how much my adoption stuff made me relate to the stories.

Reinette: What do monsters have nightmares about?
The Doctor: Me!
Docto Who:The Girl in the Fireplace

I was away all weekend working at a Dr Who convention (British Sci-Fi, longest running sci-fi series) and have only had about 5 hours of sleep since Thursday so bear with me if I go off track, or slip between dimensions as it were.

Dr Who is a fascinating show. (Doctor Who being the title, the character is just called the Doctor.) Sort of a fairy tale wrapped up in shiny sci-fi, with mystery, monsters, and adventures tied up in a bow. You have the Doctor, who travels time and space getting into trouble, helping others out of trouble, and generally just saving the universe. He is what monsters have nightmares about.

The weekend was “fantastic!” The guests were great and although I am not one to usually rush off to meet them, it was pleasure to spend a few minutes talking to Eric Roberts (here is a guy who took the time to ask the fans about themselves. like what they did for a living, how far they came, etc as he signed autographs.) I also was able to have several short conversations with Colin Baker (sixth doctor) as well as give him bunny ears for a photo. Hank Garret was donating all the proceeds of his signing to the Disabled American Veterans fund so I had to shake his hand.

I got to see dozens of friends that I only get to see at this time of year. last week, I was very sick and debating whether to go but I am so glad I did in the end. Besides the shows, outtakes, inside stories and meeting the people who make these shows happen; it’s the energy that is generated. There is such a feeling of belonging when a bunch of geeks get together and just say “yep, I am a geek and so are you and we are okay.” It’s hard to describe and since I can’t think straight, I will just leave it at that.

What if thousands of children a year are abandoned in cities and countries in Eastern Europe that nobody cares about? What if they never experience the love and acceptance of a good family? What if they grow up wondering if they have ever felt loved or wanted in their whole lives? What if they were abused in their orphanages? What if indeed. Your story is not the only one.
Comment by Alex on What If

The above was a comment on my What If entry. I replied in comments saying What if we worked to find out WHY they are being abandoned and work on that, rather than seeing it as a money making windfall for agencies and governments? I never said my story was the only one, actually, I have stated that there are as many stories in adoption as there are people touched by adoption. My point was to not discount our stories as adoptees because because of one persons “need” to “rescue” a child.

On further reflection, I think I need to go further. You are perfectly correct Alex, my story is not the only one, nor do I think I have ever said it was but if I have or have given the impression, then I apologize.

My point wasn’t to discount adoption. It wasn’t to say adoption doesn’t have it’s place. In the examples you provided then yes adoption could be the answer to provide a family to these children. My point was to listen to the stories, fears, hopes, and dreams of adoptees who have gone thru a myriad of stories and learn from them. Understand what adoptees who have gone before have been thru so that if you decide to adopt, then you may have more knowledge on the possibilities. Too often, we are told to “get over it” as Rebecca mentioned or told how lucky we are, or reminded about the kids who didn’t get adopted. Our thoughts and feelings are the ones being discounted when comments like that are made.

Adoption looks good on paper. A childless family will be able to have a beautiful child to call there own who will bond to them. The past is locked away to protect the child from the stigma of illegitimacy (although, I don’t get this. Why would it be a stigma on the child? When you think about it, I actually have two mothers and two fathers so I should actually be one-up on kids who grew up with their blood, right? Okay, a tad bit of sarcasm there but the whole illegitimacy thing is very annoying.) It doesn’t always work out like that. Shouldn’t we look into making sure that it’s the best option for the child, rather than just lip service?

No, my story isn’t the only one. It is one of a chorus of voices who each have their own tune, some quiet and some loud, some with pain and some with joy, some with longing and some with hope, some with happiness and some with anger, some with loss and some with fear, but all equally important to know and hear. Hopefully, there are some who will hear my story or those of the other bloggers and find the strength to shares theirs as well.

There are few nudities so objectionable as the naked truth.
Agnes Repplier (1855 - 1950)

I have been out of town for the past few days (no internet access, talk about withdrawals) so I want to make a blanket “thank you” to all those who have commented. I have recieved one more returned letter but no actual responses. I did find one other address so I am going to send a letter to them.

I have recieved several requests for the recommendations for adoptive parents so I recompiled the list and am posting it again. As before, please feel free to make recommendations in the comments for more items or clarification.

1. Educate yourself, read every book you can find on adoptees and on being an adoptive parent. (If you need any recommendations, ask me)
2. Decide now, if you are doing this for a child, or for yourself. (Is it about image or love? Is it about your own needs, to be a parent, to be needed, to fit in society?)
3. Mourn what you may not have. (As in blood children of their own.)
4. Never say, “We love you as our own.” The adoptee will be your child and that’s a mixed message if there ever was one.
5. Don’t overdo the “you are so special/lucky” thing. They aren’t going to feel that, so actions will speak louder than words.
6. Always be there for them, they may have anxiety when you leave them at daycare, or anywhere else. This is normal for most kids, but often worse for an adoptee.
7. Join a support group, somewhere they can play with other adopted kids and you can talk about your life with your child.
8. Love them unconditionally. Even when they shout you are not my family. Even more so then.
9. Find out everything you can about your child’s heritage and family and try to incorporate some of it into your own. Allow them to freedom to explore their history as well as yours.
10. Don’t take it personal if they decide to search for their blood. It’s not about you or something you did wrong, it’s about wanting to know where you came from. After all, you probably know where you came from right?
11. Be honest in all things. Don’t LIE to your adopted chid about their origins.
12. Love them, UNCONDITIONALLY.
13. If a member of the birthfamily comes around searching, be honest and truthful with the adoptee about it. Let them make the decision or if still very young, ask their opinion. Don’t hold it against them and don’t think you need to “defend” your child from these people. After all, from a biological stand point, your child is theirs as well.
14. If the adoptee is reunited, try to not hold animosity toward the birth family. Also understand that the adoptee may spend more time with them for a while. He or she hasn’t forgotten you, they are just reveling in something new, like looking at someone who looks like them. (Want to know what I mean? If you are ever around a bunch of adoptees and one of them just reunited and is showing pictures, the first comment is probably going to be “Wow, you look just like them.” It’s one of the first things we notice, because we don’t see it in ourselves.)
15. Encourage them to talk about adoption and their birth family. Never give them any sense that it is not proper to talk about it -by a look, tone of voice, etc.
16. Do not expect that if you “love them enough” that will solve magically solve all adoption issues that they might have.
17. Never say anything negative about the birth family. Part of their identity comes from their birth family. Insulting the birth family is like insulting the child.
18. Never “make up” anything about the birth family. If you do, it may come back to bite you later.
19. Encourage contact with the birth family. Never withhold any letters, pictures, etc. unless it is necessary for safety concerns.
20. Do not wait to “tell” a child they are adopted. Make it something that they have always known.
21. Never say “I understand how you feel or I know what you are going through.” Unless you have been adopted yourself, and even then, you have no way of truly understanding the pain and hurt that an adoptee may be feeling. That’s not saying that you shouldn’t try or listen.
22. LOVE THEM, UNCONDITIONALLY.

This list may be shared or linked to if you wish.

EDIT: As per Rebecca’s comment:

23. Validate the adoptees feelings. Just like every other human, we have feelings such as pain and loss and should be allowed to feel them and work thru them, not bury them. Comments like “get over it” just say that you aren’t willing to allow us to process and we need to hide our true feelings from you.

It has been said that for the truth to exist, it takes two people - one to speak it…and another to hear it. Mankind will be forever doomed to destruction if we continue to ask for the truth…but then refuse to listen.
Control “The Outer Limits”

I have been reading a lot of blogs about adoption and there seem to be a group who just keep going around with the “what ifs” to show why adoption is so wonderful.

For example “what if the child was kept with the parent and was abused. Wouldn’t it be better for the child to be adopted.” Sure, maybe, then again, what if they are adopted into an abusive family or by a pedophile?

“What if the child was abandoned?” Okay, what if he was abducted for black market adoptions or from some family overseas and you were just told he was abandoned?

“What if the mother couldn’t take care of the child?” Hmm, what if the programs set up for family planning were more worried about planning the family and not planning a how much they could get for the kid?

“What if you had equal access, what would it really change?” What if you DIDN’T have your records or know your roots, what would you do? Honestly?

“If records were opened, there would be more abortions.” Really, so Oregon and Tennessee is now the abortion capital of the US? Let’s see… Nope, New York, Florida, and Texas are at the top, by a large margin according to the CDC They also have sealed records and least likely to open, what if there is a correlation?

The problem is, we could “what if” on both sides of the fence all day but each case is a little different and needs to be viewed as such whether good or bad. Even though adoption may be the best available answer in a given situation let’s stop pretending that it’s the best of every world for every member.

What if we stopped pretending that we are ALWAYS doing it with the best interest of the child. What if we stopped pretending the lies, secrets, and denial is a good thing. What if we stopped telling adoptees to feel lucky and instead said, “Tell me your truth, I am ready to listen?”

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)

Seven went out and two have returned; unopened. One says it is not deliverable as addressed, unable to forward. The other is a little weirder. It says “forward time exp to send.” The weird thing is that it lists another address so I am going to try to track that down and see if this person is there.

So two down (okay, maybe one) and five to go.

My wife saw one of the letters and apologized to me because she feels she hasn’t been there for me. Here is this very pregnant women who goes to work full time every day weekday, cleans house, cooks dinner (well sometimes, other times I do,) picks up my son from school, takes care of the finances, and often works with my son on his homework before I get home. She also has always been there if I need to talk about a problem at work. Doesn’t complain when I spend the evenings of one week a month at different meetings, from VFW to counseling session to an adoptee support group to a CUB meeting. Yet, she is worried that she hasn’t been there for me? She must be mad.