If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)

It’s funny how defensive some adoptive parents can get. I know a young adoptee (mid-teens) who has a lot of pain. She mentins how she sneaks out at night to go to parties. She jokes about doing drugs and sleeping with her boyfriends. I talked with her father about it some and discussed the adoption side of things. I mentioned “Primal Wound” and he was immediately turned off by the whole notion. His daughter didn’t have a problem with adoption, she was just a rowdy kid and they were taking her to a therapist and looking into medical treatments. He just didn’t buy into this “adoption issue” thing.

I don’t get how some parents aren’t willing to even consider it. Please understand, I am not saying that every issue and adopted person has is because of or related to adoption. It isn’t. We, as adoptees, have our own little neuroses which are related to life just like everyone else does. However, there are some things that can be attributed to adoption, at least in part.

Too often, I see people posting or talking about adoption and saying things like, “well, my kid won’t ever be like that” or “my child doesn’t have those problems” or “my little Suzie doesn’t need to know any of that.” Umm, why? This isn’t about you people. It isn’t about your need to make this little child feel grateful and beholden to you. It isn’t about them leaving you after all the hard work you put into their lives. It’s about a part of their truth. Open your freakin eyes to the possibility.

You may be right, that adoption doesn’t play a big part in little Suzies life. You may be right that doesn’t have many of the issues listed in the Primal Wound but if you spend so much time denying it you don’t actually look, then you aren’t being a parent. (I know a while back I said I wasn’t going to judge people, but I failed at that.) Right this second is the time to turn that around. Do you think that if you are saying this type of stuff, then your little Johnny or Suzie isn’t picking up on that? Don’t you think they kind of figured out that you aren’t really willing to talk to them about it? Those answers of, “well you shouldn’t feel that way” doesn’t really change the way they feel other than making them realise they can’t talk to you about it? Get a clue please.

Funny thing is, this didn’t start out as a rant in my head. It’s just so infuriating that people will just sweep aside the possibility, especially when more and more studies done are finding links between early seperation and different issues. Go read about Harlow’s Monkey (not the blog which is good and should be read too, but the actual study.) Read, “Coming Home to Self” the followup to “Primal Wound” which has documented studies. These are studies on people not specifically about adoption so they aren’t just written to side with adoptees. Read the recent Even B Donaldson report about adoption and realise it does affect people and the woman who gave birth to your child probably isn’t some drug crazed wack job who just happened to produce the bundle of joy you held. Nor is that mother from over seas just dropping babies for you to scoop up. They have lives and a history and so does your child. Also, if you ask your adopted child if they have any problems with adoption or just ask what they are feeling and they say everything is fine, please take it with a grain of salt. We all know people in general don’t usually talk about their feelings on anything so please don’t assume they are telling the whole truth about their feelings/questions/concerns about being adopted.

I was reading a help area and a person was asking about searching because they have this need to find their heritage. The moderator told them that their heritage was their adoptive family and that was all they should need. Anything else is more along the lines of a mental problem and that they should go to a therapist instead. This is were you just want to say something along the lines of “physician, heal thyself.” The heritage of an adoptee is a combination of the birth and adoptive family. We can claim both if we want and no one should come between that. I don’t get why people seem to thank it’s either this or that, black or white. It isn’t. If it was, then we could never get married because how could you love another person from some other family so much that you would leave your family. I mean in most cases you don’t actually leave your family, they are still there for you and you for them so why can’t it be the same for an adoptee searching? Why do I see adoptees who are so afraid to mention to their adoptive family that they want to search or are searching they are in tears?

However, to be honest, I have seen some adoptees who were afraid to say something and when they did, their parents supported them. Sometimes you just need to have a little faith or at least the strength to step into the storm.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 11th, 2007 at 4:59 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.