Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.
Michael Pritchard

It has been a few days since the letters went out. By now, these seven people should have recieved them. I don’t know what is making me more nervous, that they will all reply in the negative or that one will reply in the positive. The longer I wait for some reply, the more I fear it will all be negative. I am not sure what I am going to do if she does reply but with another rejection.

The timing of this is strange though and I didn’t realise it until talking to Amy. It is just a week or so shy of one year since that call from the agency. One year ago since she said no contact. Do you think this was enought time to give her the opportunity to change her mind?

I am so sick of these constant discussions of privacy. How can there be privacy between blood? Why does her privacy trump my right to medical information? Why does it trump my right to know who my ancestors were?

I have been listening to a lot of Celtic music recently, specifically several of the albums from Celtic Woman. My son really enjoys them to although he still calls it Irish. Close enough. Anyway, it’s kind of weird when he starts asking about his nationality. I explained that he was a little bit Irish and Norwegian but how do you explain to a kid that he is also Welsh and some other nationality? Bottom line is, you don’t. I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed or feel like it’s somehow my fault I don’t know but the feelings are still there.

And that brings me back to the letters. Another attempt to get this information for myself and my sons. It’s driving me mad waiting for something but hey, patience is a virtue right?

I am tired of waiting though. This is my information. I heard a while back (although I don’t have any facts to back it up for sure) that even estranged kids are allowed to have their doctors access their parents medical info because it is so important. Anybody know if this is true? Also, kids in foster care, who are not adopted, are allowed to keep their records. I don’t want to make light of what they went thru. Heck, I can’t even begin to imagine the smallest iota of what they went thru, but why the disparity in policies? Do they, having gone thru the system, have more “right” to their information than I? Is it because the agency didn’t find anyone whose information they could substitute so now these adults are allowed access? Were their mother’s not promised privacy? It doesn’t make sense, both groups should have free access to their information, just like in many other countries.

Don’t get me wrong. I do NOT wish I grew up in foster care so I could have access. I firmly believe both groups should have full access like I just stated. You will never hear me say I wish I was in foster care. It is annoying enough to hear people sometimes say, “I wish I was adopted.” I want to tell them that I wish they were adopted too so they could feel what it is like before they make such a stupid comment. To make such statements is to make light of what we are going thru and to trivialize what we want and deserve. It may not be your intention, but it is the way it comes across and somehow I am thinking that you really don’t wish that you didn’t know your roots or that you never saw someone who looks like you or that you don’t know what medical problems you might want to be extra wary of or not being able to share you ancestry with you kids or having to tell them they can only ask your spouse who they got their eyes from or their mouth or what family member they look like for that school project. Yeah, I don’t think that was what you meant at all, was it.

Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)

So I have narrowed my list to seven woman with the name and age. There may be more I haven’t found yet but the seven is a start. So I have written a letter. Nothing fancy or heartwrenching, just a letter stating who I am and what I am doing. I am also including a SASE for a reply.

I was talking about this with my counselor and she asked me what I want. Good question, what do I want?

I want

• to meet my birthmother, face to face.
• to have a conversation with her
• to meet my birthfather, face to face.
• to have a conversation with him
• to have a picture of my birthmother
• to have a picture of my birthfather
• to see and hold my original birth certificate
• to meet others in both families
• to not be a secret
• to finish my family tree, all four families
• to know my Chapter One
• to introduce my parents to my parents
• to introduce my wife and sons to them as well

Guess I don’t want too much.

Anyway, the letters are printed, signed, folded, stuck in the envelopes along with a SASE, labels put on the envelopes, stamped and sealed. I am drinking lots of kool-aid to get the taste out of my mouth but it’s worth it. :proud:

Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Take this baby and nurse him for me, and I will pay you.” So the woman took the baby and nursed him.
Exodus, chapter 2 verse 9

A while back, an anonymous poster made a comment similar to the title, on Amy’s Blog (You can read her reply here) Actually, the comment was “I am thankful I serve a God who believes in adoption~ think how short the life of Moses would have been had his mother not chosen adoption, but more importantly, I am a child of God through adoption.”

Okay, let’s break that down. Moses was the son of a man of the house of Levi, born in a time when the Egyption Pharoh had ordered the death of all newborn males. His mother did not kill him and instead hid him for three months. Once she felt she could hide him no more, she made a small ark and placed him in it and set it on the waters while his sister watched. The daughter of the Pharoh came to bathe and saw the ark, telling her maid to retrieve it. When they saw the baby, the daughter of the Pharoh took pity and Moses’ sister came and asked if she should fetch a woman to nurse the child. The princess agreed.

The woman who was summonned? Moses’ own mother. The daughter of the Pharoh even paid her to raise her own son (although it seems implied that she never knew the woman was Moses’ mother but none of the translations actually confirm this.)

Anyway, as Moses grew up, he wound up killing an Egyptian, had the Pharoh after him, got married and had a son. Then God called him to help set the Israelites free. In the end, God destroyed the Pharoh’s army, the army of the family that adopted Moses.

I’m not sure that is a story you want to hold up to be the perfect example of adoption. For one thing his mother did not choose adoption and she wound up raising the baby anyway.

The Bible is the Word of God, written by man. I think the last distinction is often forgotten when reading it. Thru the years, there have been subtle changes and even the different religions have different versions they follow. The Bible, and even the name of God has been used thru out the ages as an excuse for atrocities. Think Crusades for one. Can you truly look into the eyes of a mother relinquishing her child and say it is God’s plan? How about those that are fighting to keep their children, like Rahsead, Stephanie Bennet, and Allison Quets? Is it God’s plan, that children die from abuse, neglect, and war?

I think that is more of Man’s freewill imposing on another.

Adoption can be a good thing in the right circumstances but don’t start making it a holy crusade as justification for the lies and secrets of todays institution.

If you would like to read the story of Moses, you can find it here online in different versions such as King James, New International Version, or The Message.

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)

It’s funny how defensive some adoptive parents can get. I know a young adoptee (mid-teens) who has a lot of pain. She mentins how she sneaks out at night to go to parties. She jokes about doing drugs and sleeping with her boyfriends. I talked with her father about it some and discussed the adoption side of things. I mentioned “Primal Wound” and he was immediately turned off by the whole notion. His daughter didn’t have a problem with adoption, she was just a rowdy kid and they were taking her to a therapist and looking into medical treatments. He just didn’t buy into this “adoption issue” thing.

I don’t get how some parents aren’t willing to even consider it. Please understand, I am not saying that every issue and adopted person has is because of or related to adoption. It isn’t. We, as adoptees, have our own little neuroses which are related to life just like everyone else does. However, there are some things that can be attributed to adoption, at least in part.

Too often, I see people posting or talking about adoption and saying things like, “well, my kid won’t ever be like that” or “my child doesn’t have those problems” or “my little Suzie doesn’t need to know any of that.” Umm, why? This isn’t about you people. It isn’t about your need to make this little child feel grateful and beholden to you. It isn’t about them leaving you after all the hard work you put into their lives. It’s about a part of their truth. Open your freakin eyes to the possibility.

You may be right, that adoption doesn’t play a big part in little Suzies life. You may be right that doesn’t have many of the issues listed in the Primal Wound but if you spend so much time denying it you don’t actually look, then you aren’t being a parent. (I know a while back I said I wasn’t going to judge people, but I failed at that.) Right this second is the time to turn that around. Do you think that if you are saying this type of stuff, then your little Johnny or Suzie isn’t picking up on that? Don’t you think they kind of figured out that you aren’t really willing to talk to them about it? Those answers of, “well you shouldn’t feel that way” doesn’t really change the way they feel other than making them realise they can’t talk to you about it? Get a clue please.

Funny thing is, this didn’t start out as a rant in my head. It’s just so infuriating that people will just sweep aside the possibility, especially when more and more studies done are finding links between early seperation and different issues. Go read about Harlow’s Monkey (not the blog which is good and should be read too, but the actual study.) Read, “Coming Home to Self” the followup to “Primal Wound” which has documented studies. These are studies on people not specifically about adoption so they aren’t just written to side with adoptees. Read the recent Even B Donaldson report about adoption and realise it does affect people and the woman who gave birth to your child probably isn’t some drug crazed wack job who just happened to produce the bundle of joy you held. Nor is that mother from over seas just dropping babies for you to scoop up. They have lives and a history and so does your child. Also, if you ask your adopted child if they have any problems with adoption or just ask what they are feeling and they say everything is fine, please take it with a grain of salt. We all know people in general don’t usually talk about their feelings on anything so please don’t assume they are telling the whole truth about their feelings/questions/concerns about being adopted.

I was reading a help area and a person was asking about searching because they have this need to find their heritage. The moderator told them that their heritage was their adoptive family and that was all they should need. Anything else is more along the lines of a mental problem and that they should go to a therapist instead. This is were you just want to say something along the lines of “physician, heal thyself.” The heritage of an adoptee is a combination of the birth and adoptive family. We can claim both if we want and no one should come between that. I don’t get why people seem to thank it’s either this or that, black or white. It isn’t. If it was, then we could never get married because how could you love another person from some other family so much that you would leave your family. I mean in most cases you don’t actually leave your family, they are still there for you and you for them so why can’t it be the same for an adoptee searching? Why do I see adoptees who are so afraid to mention to their adoptive family that they want to search or are searching they are in tears?

However, to be honest, I have seen some adoptees who were afraid to say something and when they did, their parents supported them. Sometimes you just need to have a little faith or at least the strength to step into the storm.

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
William Dement

I had a dream the other day. As I have mentioned before, I rarely remember my dreams when I wake up but this is another that stuck with me. I was at a funeral, had no idea why or who, but I walked up front and began to talk to the rows of mourners. I said that this person must have been a good person because of all the people who had come. As I continued to speak platitudes for the dead, I looked around and realised that I recognized the people in the front rows. Not personally, but that there were characteristics in each of them I recognized. It was at that point I realised where I was and who was in the closed coffin. I walked out among wispers of “who is he” and woke up with tears on my face.

Maybe there is a reason I don’t usually remember my dreams. It would be too painful.