Why?
Facing a mirror you see merely your own countenance; facing your child you finally understand how everyone else has seen you.
Daniel Raeburn
My son had recently found my old game boy and has been playing non-stop. My wife had put a limit on his time, and since he was over, I told him to turn it off. The normal moaning about being unfair was heard but no biggie. About half an hour later, I went to check my email and there was a note on my computer that read, “I know you hate me, end of story.” (Okay, it actually read “Dear Dad I kow yu hate me! end fo store)
I was floored. Intellectually, I still get that kids say stuff but emotionally, it was a dagger. I went to him and asked him about it and he just said that was the way it was. I explained I didn’t hate him but he just kept saying yes you do. I was so angry.
Let’s face it though, it shouldn’t have bothered me as much but I have already been a bit angry this week and it struck that hurt child in me. Even with the name, it’s like finding a particular needle in a needle stack. Nothing seems to match my non-id even remotely and everytime I find someone who seems to have something, there is something else that doesn’t match at all. I’m not quitting though.
Then there are the questions, “why are you still doing this if she doesn’t want to see you?” “Don’t you think you are pushing to hard for this?” “Are you going to contact her if you find her?” “What about her right to privacy?”
What about her right to privacy? Is there really a right to privacy between family? Is her choice to give me away for whatever reason, preclude my right to know where I came from? Does having the information and knowledge mean I have to disrupt her life? Of course not, there is still an aunt and uncle out there who supposedly know that I exist, even if they don’t know who I am. There are a multitude of possibilities out there. Heck, even just to write her a letter directly, without the agency having ro review it, and ask for my father’s name and nothing else would be great.
“Why don’t you just get over it?” I think this is my favorite one in a not sort of way. Do you cut a tree down and tell it to get over the loss of it’s roots? Do you expect to graft a lemon tree onto an orange tree and expect it to start producing oranges? Of course not. In many ways I wish I was blood related to the people who raised me. Unlike some adoptees parents I know, they are good people. People who took me in as their own. Not as “if” but as there own. That would be a honor but I can’t be. I will always carry the family name and always consider them my parents and nothing will change that. But despite all that, to never have the need to know where you came from, to never not know. How cool would that be but it’s something I can’t really imagine just as many people can’t imagine what it’s like to not know but to want to know to the very core of your being.
December 24th, 2006 at 1:17 pm
Sorry but why are you angry that your son thought you hate him? And besides that, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.
And while I am being all holier than thou, you do know how incredibly lucky you are to have a son who communicates with you. Go give him a big squishy hug. Now don’t hate me for this (only joking)
December 24th, 2006 at 4:12 pm
Angry at myself that my son thinks I hate him. I get that it’s not really how he feels but it’s that little kid in me.
And yeah, I do know how lucky I am to have him, I just want my cake and to eat it too. ;)
Merry Christmas to you and yours as well, kim.kim!!
December 24th, 2006 at 4:32 pm
Wraith - If I can help at all with tracking down your first mom with the name you have, let me know. I assume with your connections you are pretty well versed on the various db and stuff to locate people. But just wanted to offer that I am happy to help.
Yeah, kids. My 9 yo melted down a few weeks go and screamed at me “you wont help me, you dont even care about me”. That was like a dagger to my heart. As a mother who lost her child to adoption, I am sometimes overly sensitive to what my kids, husband, etc. say in the Mom department.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
December 24th, 2006 at 6:23 pm
Oh you were angry with yourself. Sorry, I thought you said you got angry with me. I want my cake and eat it too as well. It’s hard isn’t it?
I got some nice things this Christmas.
thanks for clarifying.
December 24th, 2006 at 7:38 pm
Yea amen to all of it. I wonder why people say that kind of insensitive stuff as well. I get so tired of it. What I do with my information is my business. Her right to privacy - Hogwash - what about our right to our identity? What about our right to say “oh I get it now that is where I get that - I always wondered about that”
.
December 26th, 2006 at 9:16 am
Dear Son, welcome to the wonderful world of Disciplining Your Child!! You’ve got a smart little kid, and next time you tell him “NO” he may think he can “get away” with not doing as you tell him. Do you remember the fights that Archie and “the boys” used to have??Well, being a male-you will have more disagreements as he gets older;and when you get the new baby.The shocking reality that he would even”think” of saying mean things to you or your wife,is a real surprise!! But, all parents have to endure such things-and still you keep on doing the things that will result into him being a person that you are proud to say-”that’s my son”!! As you are to your MOM & DAD. Proverbs 13:24. LOVE,MOM
December 27th, 2006 at 8:42 am
It’s a long and complicated journey but a journey worth taking. Just keep on keeping on, one day at a time. The answers will come to you.
Your son knows you love him. If he didn’t he never would have said what he did. He said it because he knows it’s not true and knew it would bug you. ;o)
December 27th, 2006 at 9:12 am
at the holidays it can be especially difficult. i feel for you, wraith. i really do. as you continue on your journey to the truth, let it be known that so many are following along with you. i hope it will be all you hoped for in the end. (accept all, EXpect nothing) was a saying that my bio dad, bill said a long time ago. that quote i carry with me in all facets of my life. take care and i hope that the holidays were good to you. enjoy your family, and i hope that your wife isn’t having too difficult a pregnancy thus far. take care to all and i hope that 2007 brings you peace and contentment. all the best, poet
December 30th, 2006 at 4:12 pm
I never understood an adoptee who claimed to have no interest in their biological family ties. I couldn’t ever imagine not wanting to know. I needed to know with every part of my being.
Those who are not adopted many times just “can’t” get it. Hell, even I can’t get it sometimes.
Best of luck.
January 23rd, 2007 at 11:48 pm
Just found you through the blogosphere!!!
I am also so tired of trying to explain my WHYS.
I hope that you get to find those that you are searching for.
Luckily here in Australia we can get our info - and go searching on our own.
But - we still find brick walls along the way. (I’m currently trying to break-mine down….day by day)
Glad to have found another adoptee out here. (in cyber-space)
Hope you don’t mind if I tag along for the ride!!
Hugs,
C.