In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be.
Hubert H. Humphrey

There was a huge discussion on Claud’s blog about the term birthparent and where it came from. One of the discrepancies was that birth parent (two words) and birthparent (one word) actually came from two different places. The two-word version was used mainly by the agecies and seems to be attributed to Pearl S Buck where as the one word version is attributed to Lee Campbell, the founder of CUB, however it was based on the two word version and joined up to make the acronym work. (Since Claud wrote it up so well, you can go read her entry on the details of this.)

Anyway, there are still some huge arguments about it and I didn’t get them at first. The term birthparents seems to bring out an anger in some as a epithet that denotes a worthlessness or as degrading. I get that with the two word version since it splits the names from each other but I don’t get the oneword version.

To me, as an adoptee, it denotes my origins, from this person I came into being and from this person my past flows. (Whether they share it with me or not.) This person is my beginning because without someone to give birth to me, I would not exist.

Webster’s defines birth as:

1 a : the emergence of a new individual from the body of its parent b : the act or process of bringing forth young from the womb

Using that, I guess that birth and parent are a bit redundant since birth means “from a parent” so to speak. Next, I decided to look up parent:

1 a : one that begets or brings forth offspring b : a person who brings up and cares for another

Okay, I can see where definition “b” may bring up some issues with defining birthparent although many birthparents I have talked to care a great deal for their children, whether they gave them up willingly or not, or even whether they can or want contact with them or not. So despite the first part of b, it still works.

So what are the other feelings that come thru? I have seen some equate birthparent to mean they were a breeder or just a vessel for a commodity. Others say it doesn’t give enough importance to the position they hold. Still others say it is a term given by agencies or adoptive parents and so it isn’t “their” term. Then there is the group who doesn’t seem to mind the term.

Words can hurt, but it’s only our own reactions to those words that truly hurt. Labels are the same way. Bastard Nation took the epithet bastard and made it their own. We took Chosen Babies and made it our own as a group, not as the simple platitude of the agencies or uneducated masses but as a demand to control it and make it ours. It hurts when my son says I am mean because I put him on a time-out but it’s my reaction to his comment, not the comment itself but I get how hard it can be to curb the initial reaction to words and labels.

During the course of my conversation with Lee, we got to talking a bit more about this word birthparent. She commented that maybe it is time to come up with a different term. When I asked her what she thought, she replied that she would call them what they want to be called.Thinking about that, I realized that while I still don’t understand the argument against birthparent and it’s derivatives, I can’t really be part of the argument. Only those who are in it can argue it and decide what they want to be called.

So what do you call a group of people who all want to be called something different without offending them but still getting your point across? I don’t ask this in a sarcastic or belittling tone but to truy try to understand. We have the choices of “Natural” and “First” tossed around but they offend as well. There can be such a sense of an “us against them” within the plane that it is hard to decide which is an honest/considered reaction and which is a gut/knee-jerk reaction to the the words/feelings/thoughts amongst the more out outspoken of us out there. (Yep, I am including myself in this group because I freely admit some of my reactions have been knee-jerk. However, I am going to plead the 5th and let you figure out where and when, partly because I don’t usually go back and read my own posts.) I hate the thought that some adoptee out there is scared off when they mention the word birthparent and are rebuked because of it, or the birthparent who decides to come out and is turned away because of the arguments, or the adoptive parent who decides to try to understand who is attacked because of their position. Several have posted that there has to be a better word we can use so what can you come up with?

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13 (NIV)

For those who have paved the way to freedom with their blood in the past and those who will take up the flag and the fight in the future, on this Veteran’s Day,

“if your birthmother had reacted differently, would you still be angry at adoption…” Anonymous comment on Amy’s Blog

I had to really think about this before I could answer it myself. The answer is resounding, “yes…sort of.” However, I think there is a flaw in the reasoning here. In asking this question it seems to take an “all or nothing” approach to the feelings toward adoption. There are so many little parts to any person’s adoption story that to say I am mad at adoption isn’t saying I hate everything about adoption. Granted, there may be some where this is true but again, it’s not an “all adoptees” thing any more than any other issue with adoption is.

For example, I hate adoption. I know I have said adoption can be a good thing in some cases and I still stand by that but saying this does not negate that I am still angry about it and hate many aspects of it. I hate the lies and secrets. I hate the carelessness of business who deal in children. I hate the entitlement some people feel to having a child. I hate the attitude of people toward birthparents. I hate the stereotypes on tv for all members of the adoptive plane. I hate telling doctors I only have a very limited medical knowledge and no access to anything else because I am adopted. I hate the look they then get in their eyes as they says they understand, that slightly pitying look. I hate that the agency made money off me when I was born and now made money off of me to search or get my non-id. I hate that my birthmom doesn’t have the strength/desire/wish/respect/”whatever is the real reason” to meet me or even write a simple letter to me. I hate not knowing my story. I hate seeing the pain/anger/anguish/fear/sadness in a birthparents eyes for a choice they may not have fully understood the consequences of and the ones who should have know wouldn’t tell them. Some of that hate has eaten me up inside and has become anger at adoption.

On the flip side, I don’t hate my adoptive parents. I don’t hate the opportunities they have provided for me. I don’t hate the life I have and had. I don’t hate my birthmother because she has denied contact (I am angry at her for this but I don’t hate her.) So saying I hate adoption does not mean that I hate all things adoption and wish I had been raised by my birthparents.

Which brings up another point. I don’t get how some adoptees can say that they were better off being adopted. I mean, if we don’t live it we can’t really be sure. We don’t know that where the birthparents are now is where they would have been if they had kept us or if someone had helped them keep us. Their lives may have been better or worse despite having kept us, so could ours. Whose to say that a drugged out birthmom might not have changed her life with the birth of a child. Whose to say the pain of relinquishment has turned a hurt heart to stone now. Whose to say that a well-to-do daughter couldn’t have provided a great life if her parents hadn’t been so worried about what the neighbors would think. Whose to say a father couldn’t have provided a better home if he had been informed he had a child rather than the two parents the agency picked who only wanted to token child to give the “perfect family” appearance? We can’t honestly know.

When I tell people I was/am searching for my blood, one of the first questions I am asked is about my parents and if they know or are okay with me searching. I answer of course and that they are helping me but in reality what does it have to do with my search? The implication is that I am doing something wrong or something that my parents may not approve of. Why? In searching, I am taking a journey of self discovery. I am looking for a part of me and my history that I don’t have and they can’t give me. A part that I hope to be able to pass on to my children as it is part of them as well. In my opinion the question should be whether or not my parents are supporting me because the onus is really on them. As parents, we are supposed to support our children as they discover the world around them and in turn discover who they are or who they want to be. When you think about it, parents who do not support their adult children searching or even make snide comments or threats about searching are really to tied up in their own petty jealousy to be allowed to have an opinion. They are not being nurturing parents in this situation. Now before anyone jumps on me for this, understand something. I AM NOT lumping every adoptive parent into this category. There are many who are very open and supportive and I salute you. Others may be very cautious and play it careful, concern for their family and for their child (no matter what their age) tempering their excitement and this is okay too. I’m also not saying that the fears, insecurites, or concerns that adoptive parents may have when their child (again, no matter what the “child’s” age) is bad. Heck, it makes sense that it would be normal. What I am saying is that those who give in to those fears, insecurites or concern and even go so far as to lash out at the adoptee, their child, need a serious reality check on who and what they are.

But am I reading too much into these questions and statements? For example, on a forum I belong to, an adoptee was in great pain and made a comment about birthmothers. The comment was mainly directed at her own birthmother yet so many people jumped on her for the innacuracy of a comment made in pain since it lumped all birthmothers together, rather than looking at what she was really saying. So, am I reading too much into the innocence of their question?

I think in a way I am because the average person doesn’t know how their question may sound and why should they. All they hear is the propaganda that adoption is a great thing. It’s rosy and pure and an unselfish and noble act. We as adoptees should be proud and oh-so-thankful for how lucky we were. They don’t hear about the abuse, the unloving families, the lack of knowledge, the pain, the search for self that is exacerbated by government/agency walls and secrets. Things are changing though. With each new voice comes awareness, with awareness comes change. Let’s hope its good change.