“What are you supposed to do when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders?” War Hawk
“Plant your feet.” Green Lantern
Justice League Unlimited episode: The Once and Future Thing: Time, Warped

When I was growing up, I used to think I would die alone, never having had a real relationship or someone other than my adoptive family who really loved me. I was wrong.

I have an amazing wife who has stood by me even when I pushed her away. A wife who has held me when I cried and stood by me while I ranted. One who hasn’t really understood what I have been going thru but was there none the less. One who gave me the first blood I have known. One who I abandoned because I couldn’t handle it.

That she took me back, still amazes me. I was the epitome of stupidity and yet should stood by me.

I still can’t say with 100% certainty that my issues with my son being born and being able to allow myself to truly love my wife and son had anything to do with adoption. i do feel that it was a part and probably a big part but bottom line, I was the one who did it. Like Nancy Verrier says, ..”get over it.” There are others who have gone thru the same thing and not appeared to have problems of this nature however I am not them. I just don’t know.

Things are changing again. While this is a time for much happiness and rejoicing, I worry that I might slip back. You see, my wife and I are having another baby. For the most part I am ecstatic. A new child whom I will be more involved in the first few years.

When my son was born, I remember crying, thinking I was going to lose them both when the doctor rushed them in for an emergency C section. To me, it was just proof that I had been right all along. I wasn’t right in the end and I didn’t know how to handle that. Then my son was such a momma’s boy for the first two years. Yes, I get that it’s normal. After all, it’s her voice, her heartbeat, her life that made up the world as he knew it. She was the giver of warmth, comfort, and food. However, still reeling from the new blood relative I now had, I now saw it as rejection. Irrational I agree but there none the less. They say when adoptees reunite, they often regress to a childlike state and I think in a way this is what I did. It was the irrational jelousy of a child.

My son mentioned to my wife that he was concerned we would pay less attention to him when the baby was born because someone at school told him we would. We have both talked to him about it, explaining that while we would have to pay a bit more attention to the baby because the baby can’t begin to take care of itself, he would also be involved in helping take care of the baby as well. He replied that it was okay, but he wasn’t going to change any diapers. Not one to be “one upped” I replied he wouldn’t need to change them, just take them out to the trash. We are currently in negotionations on this.

This discussion got me to thinking though. What happens when the new child arrives? Will I shut down again? Will I be able to be fully involved in my entire family? I would like to say “YES!!” but a small, nagging, part of me is concerned. I guess in a way having that small part is a good thing as it will make me aware but the fear of it is still something that can keep me awake at night. I feel the weight of the world, my world, on my shoulders.

Then again, who cares, we are having a BABY!!

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