I am currently on a plane flying home, somewhere over the midwest. The flight has been pretty good and left on time. I got to the airport so early that I was first in line for the A section (Southwest) and that means I have een sitting in the emergency exit row and at 6′5″ that is a blessing.

Yesterday, I was at my folks house. When I woke up, I had a stomach ache that i know was just nerves so after a brief breakfast and a lot of work on their computer, we left for the agency.

When we arrived, my parents walked with me to one of a bunch of single story buildings set into a circle. We entered one and a receptionist called one of the archive unit people. I felt like running out the door but instead looked around at all the signs saying how they wanted to help people.

The searcher, whom I will call M, came up and we cordially shook hands and then she led us to her office. She called the other searcher, the one who actually worked on my case, and then we exchanged pleasantries until H arrived. We talked about a myriad of things but the bottom line was they couldn’t do anything else for me directly. H kept trying to ensure I knew that everything could change but she didn’t want to give me false hope. At one point she mentioed she could see my pain and I almost lost it but got control.

Some things that did come up in the discussion:

• They are willing to send a letter from my parents. This is not normal procedure but they want to try one last time.
• M mentioed that she used to be a facilitator working with birthmoms. She said that she wished she had known then what she has learned working in the archives and going to seminars because she would have asked a lot more questions of the birthmothers to pass on information to the adoptees.
• M also said she was now an advocate for open adoption as much as possible.
• H mentioned that my birthmom had cut off all contact with the rest of her family. She also moves a lot and she got lucky while looking for her.
• My birthfather has a very common name and lives in a large state. H had sent multiple letters to everyone she located with that name but didn’t get any positive responses.
• They were both glad of the groups I work with and glad I had support. M mentioned that it would be the adoptees who would get the records open.
• They both praised my parents for being so open and supportive (which was another reason they were willing to send a letter) and my dad commented he didn’t understand why adoptive parents wouldn’t be supportive.
• I asked if I could send a non-identifying letter to the Uncle but they said they weren’t allowed since he isn’t a direct part of the triad.
• I mentioned the stuff about non-id being sometimes changed and the reply was that sometimes the birthmom lied about it and that it was a different time then.
• They both explained that birthoms can go thru such pain after relinquishing and that they may bury it and can go back to that place and feel the pain, even though it would probably be healing in the end. Yeah, I knew that one. It can be the same for adoptees too.

They were both so nice and I so wanted to hate them but I couldn’t. Having looked them in the eye as they talked I do believe that they did actually search. Maybe my parents will be able to get thru to her.

Afterwards, we went to visit my uncle, aunt and cousin. I haven’t seen them in years nor hardly talked to them but we had a good visit and I really enjoyed it. Sometimes, I wish I lived back in Florida but then I wouldn’t be with my wife and son.

On another note, my parents have each written their version of my “Chapter 1.” I haven’t read it yet because I want to be home in a comfortable and safe environment where I can hold onto my wife when I am done.

Home. The flight has been delayed about 30 minutes due to a headwind so now it will take a bit longer to get there. Oh well, it will give a few extra minutes for traffic to die down since I was originally getting in at 6:00pm anyway. Back to my wife, son, work, school, and my life.

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