“What are you supposed to do when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders?” War Hawk
“Plant your feet.” Green Lantern
Justice League Unlimited episode: The Once and Future Thing: Time, Warped

When I was growing up, I used to think I would die alone, never having had a real relationship or someone other than my adoptive family who really loved me. I was wrong.

I have an amazing wife who has stood by me even when I pushed her away. A wife who has held me when I cried and stood by me while I ranted. One who hasn’t really understood what I have been going thru but was there none the less. One who gave me the first blood I have known. One who I abandoned because I couldn’t handle it.

That she took me back, still amazes me. I was the epitome of stupidity and yet should stood by me.

I still can’t say with 100% certainty that my issues with my son being born and being able to allow myself to truly love my wife and son had anything to do with adoption. i do feel that it was a part and probably a big part but bottom line, I was the one who did it. Like Nancy Verrier says, ..”get over it.” There are others who have gone thru the same thing and not appeared to have problems of this nature however I am not them. I just don’t know.

Things are changing again. While this is a time for much happiness and rejoicing, I worry that I might slip back. You see, my wife and I are having another baby. For the most part I am ecstatic. A new child whom I will be more involved in the first few years.

When my son was born, I remember crying, thinking I was going to lose them both when the doctor rushed them in for an emergency C section. To me, it was just proof that I had been right all along. I wasn’t right in the end and I didn’t know how to handle that. Then my son was such a momma’s boy for the first two years. Yes, I get that it’s normal. After all, it’s her voice, her heartbeat, her life that made up the world as he knew it. She was the giver of warmth, comfort, and food. However, still reeling from the new blood relative I now had, I now saw it as rejection. Irrational I agree but there none the less. They say when adoptees reunite, they often regress to a childlike state and I think in a way this is what I did. It was the irrational jelousy of a child.

My son mentioned to my wife that he was concerned we would pay less attention to him when the baby was born because someone at school told him we would. We have both talked to him about it, explaining that while we would have to pay a bit more attention to the baby because the baby can’t begin to take care of itself, he would also be involved in helping take care of the baby as well. He replied that it was okay, but he wasn’t going to change any diapers. Not one to be “one upped” I replied he wouldn’t need to change them, just take them out to the trash. We are currently in negotionations on this.

This discussion got me to thinking though. What happens when the new child arrives? Will I shut down again? Will I be able to be fully involved in my entire family? I would like to say “YES!!” but a small, nagging, part of me is concerned. I guess in a way having that small part is a good thing as it will make me aware but the fear of it is still something that can keep me awake at night. I feel the weight of the world, my world, on my shoulders.

Then again, who cares, we are having a BABY!!

I am currently on a plane flying home, somewhere over the midwest. The flight has been pretty good and left on time. I got to the airport so early that I was first in line for the A section (Southwest) and that means I have een sitting in the emergency exit row and at 6′5″ that is a blessing.

Yesterday, I was at my folks house. When I woke up, I had a stomach ache that i know was just nerves so after a brief breakfast and a lot of work on their computer, we left for the agency.

When we arrived, my parents walked with me to one of a bunch of single story buildings set into a circle. We entered one and a receptionist called one of the archive unit people. I felt like running out the door but instead looked around at all the signs saying how they wanted to help people.

The searcher, whom I will call M, came up and we cordially shook hands and then she led us to her office. She called the other searcher, the one who actually worked on my case, and then we exchanged pleasantries until H arrived. We talked about a myriad of things but the bottom line was they couldn’t do anything else for me directly. H kept trying to ensure I knew that everything could change but she didn’t want to give me false hope. At one point she mentioed she could see my pain and I almost lost it but got control.

Some things that did come up in the discussion:

• They are willing to send a letter from my parents. This is not normal procedure but they want to try one last time.
• M mentioed that she used to be a facilitator working with birthmoms. She said that she wished she had known then what she has learned working in the archives and going to seminars because she would have asked a lot more questions of the birthmothers to pass on information to the adoptees.
• M also said she was now an advocate for open adoption as much as possible.
• H mentioned that my birthmom had cut off all contact with the rest of her family. She also moves a lot and she got lucky while looking for her.
• My birthfather has a very common name and lives in a large state. H had sent multiple letters to everyone she located with that name but didn’t get any positive responses.
• They were both glad of the groups I work with and glad I had support. M mentioned that it would be the adoptees who would get the records open.
• They both praised my parents for being so open and supportive (which was another reason they were willing to send a letter) and my dad commented he didn’t understand why adoptive parents wouldn’t be supportive.
• I asked if I could send a non-identifying letter to the Uncle but they said they weren’t allowed since he isn’t a direct part of the triad.
• I mentioned the stuff about non-id being sometimes changed and the reply was that sometimes the birthmom lied about it and that it was a different time then.
• They both explained that birthoms can go thru such pain after relinquishing and that they may bury it and can go back to that place and feel the pain, even though it would probably be healing in the end. Yeah, I knew that one. It can be the same for adoptees too.

They were both so nice and I so wanted to hate them but I couldn’t. Having looked them in the eye as they talked I do believe that they did actually search. Maybe my parents will be able to get thru to her.

Afterwards, we went to visit my uncle, aunt and cousin. I haven’t seen them in years nor hardly talked to them but we had a good visit and I really enjoyed it. Sometimes, I wish I lived back in Florida but then I wouldn’t be with my wife and son.

On another note, my parents have each written their version of my “Chapter 1.” I haven’t read it yet because I want to be home in a comfortable and safe environment where I can hold onto my wife when I am done.

Home. The flight has been delayed about 30 minutes due to a headwind so now it will take a bit longer to get there. Oh well, it will give a few extra minutes for traffic to die down since I was originally getting in at 6:00pm anyway. Back to my wife, son, work, school, and my life.

Today is Monday. This won’t actually get posted until tomorrow but it’s a little after 11pm and I am just going to bed.

Today is Columbus day. A day we celebrate the life of a man who discovered America. Granted there were others before him who were actually here, but his trip is what seemed to start the growth and development of what later became this nation so we celebrate his slightly mistaken journey.

Today was also the day I tried to find proof of my birth. Like Columbus, I didn’t find what I was looking for but unlike him, I didn’t find anything at all.

My sister and I went to a local annex of the Orlando Library system. When I finally got to talk to someone about past nespapers, I was told I had to go downtown to the main branch. Yippee. First though, we traveled to the hospital. From the front desk, to administration, to records we were bounced but at least everyone was very nice. The lady in records looked thru their computer and even read off the two births for August 10th in that hospital but upon checking further she located more records for them so they had visited later on in life which means they weren’t me.

The other side was that this had been Western Orange Memorial Hospital and there was an Orange Memorial Hospital (now called Orange Regional Medical or some such, it’s all a bit of a blur now) downtown.

Off to downtown. We found the library, parked, and searched the the microfiche for about an hour. There were birth announcements from the surrounding areas newspapers but none from within Orlando. We checked for a whole week after the date of my birth and didn’t find ANY births listed.

By this time, I was so burned out that I didn’t even want to try the hospital but my sister told me I should so we paid out two bucks for parking and drove the few blocks to the hospital. (Okay, we actually drove to another hospital and realized we had another two blocks to go.) This place was HUGE! It had all sorts of buildings but we finally found the parking lot however we needed to pre-pay the 4 dollar fee in cash. Luckily my sis had it because I was broke at this point. (The ATM at the library was busted and we hadn’t really stopped anywhere else that we could have gotten money.)

We finally found the main entrance and was directed to the records department. We promptly got lost and got new directions. We still couldn’t find it until some lady passing by heard us and pointed us further down the hall. A lady was sitting in the office and turned looking annoyed that we interupted her. I gave her my best smile and asked if this was the place to look into old medical records for births. Her reply was sharp and short. They had all been destroyed from back then. I felt crushed. I think I mumbled a reply and walked out barely hearing the lady say something to my sis (which I later found out was to ask if she was with me.) I didn’t even think to ask what had happened or how she knew what year they had been destroyed since I hadn’t even said a year yet. I felt like I had “ADOPTEE” painted on my forehead or something since it was the answer so many recieve yet I hadn’t even said the word. The hour drive back to my sister’s seemed longer that the drive out.

We had pizza with the kids and then I drove to Jacksonville to visit my parents and here I am typing in bed. Tomorrow, we are supposed to drop by the agency. I am dreading it in a lot of ways.

I miss my wife and son. I need a hug

So, I recently found out that the agency has been sending out requests for donations to the adoptees who have had them search. Donation requests, can you believe it? They take our money and give us tidbits, treat us like second class citizens and then ask for donations???? :gasp:
Next week should be very interesting.