I have been asked this question a lot recently. In some ways the only answer I can give is a question in return, “why do you breathe?” So I search but I didn’t really know why I have felt such a strong need.

I like logic puzzles so I could say it’s the need to fill in the pieces and make them fit. I’m pretty good at spacial logic as well so just puzzles in general are fun. I could say that it is because it seems expected of me, since the first thing most people ask when they find out you are adopted is whether you have ever wanted to meet you birthmom. (Have you ever noticed that when you say yes or that you are searching, the next question is whether or not you had good adoptive parents? Funny that.)
I could say that I am searching just for medical info but that would be a lie. Oh it’s a good and valid one but for me it’s still a lie or at least not really the truth. I do want to know and it is important but it would be more like icing on the cake.

I could say that I am searching because I want to define who I am. Although there is a fear that I may allow it to define who I am and that would be wrong. I am the searcher, the search is not me. The goal of the search is a part of me though. Finding out more about my history, heck knowing it since my non-id is untrustworthy. The knowledge I could gain is my history, my genetics, my ancestry, and my culture.

I could say that I search for my son, because all those things apply to him as well.

I could say that I search to be able to look into the eyes of an adult who looks like me. To see a reflection in another human being and not a mirror. A similar nose or same color and shape of eyes. To feel that spark of recognition that this is my blood.

I could say that I search for all these reasons and I would be accurate but I think i have finally figured out the most important thing for me in why I search: Control. As a child, so much was taken from me and I had no control of it. Despite the things I gained in return I still want part of what was taken from me. I have read many books on adoptees and the issue that can arise and I am aware that control is one of them because it’s one of mine. I can be manipulative to the extreme if need be and often have to force myself to stop.

I’m not going to stop in this case though. I search because I am not going to run away and hide or be subject to some other persons fears, insecurities, or shame. I search because it pisses me off that the agency can hold it over my head.

I search to regain control over what is mine.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 12th, 2006 at 10:09 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.