I was in a discussion about adoption and someone brought up a point that adoption at it’s heart isn’t a bad thing but the way it is handled is. This brought up a short debate/discussion of the topics and a few others.

Adoption isn’t a bad thing.

I agree with this on the face of it but like socialism, it looks okay on paper but human nature ensure it never works out correctly. Providing loving and nurturing homes for children who, for whatever reason, doesn’t have one is very noble. The commercilization, secrets, shame, and outright stealing and lies is a very bad thing.

Denying adults medical info for themselves and their future children as well as knowing their “stories” is a bad thing. Giving a person an amended BC and telling them they can’t see the original or even know basic stuff such as the hospital they were born in, is a bad thing. Having birthmothers and fathers feel they need to hide the secret and shame away while wanting to know if their “child” is okay, is a bad thing. Selling children to rich families so they can meet the “2 kids and a dog” life and not becasue they truly want to provide a safe home for a child, is a bad thing. Selling glimpses into the information, is a bad thing. Taking children from their mother’s sides and telling their mothers they will be bad parents to facilitate it, is a bad thing.

Do you see the common thread here? The anger and pain shouldn’t be directed at birthmoms and dads because many of them were as blind to the possible results as the general population is now. It shouldn’t be directed at the adoptees who are angry because they have every right to be angry with the way we are treated by the agencies and/or some of the familes they may have been placed in. It shouldn’t be directed at those adoptive parents who DID adopt to provide a home for a child and who have loved the child, not as IF they were their own, but as their own.

Whether you had a good or bad adoption, a good family or bad adults in charge of you, the real failure is the system and that is what we should fight against, not each other. Arguing about words and people saying their way is the only way is wrong and prevents us from our truth.

Don’t take the anger or pain or wrongdoings or possible “side effects” of adoption upon yourselves, it’s not ours. Its the institutions responsiblity.

Birthmothers were promised secrecy.

Actually, I have heard this one a lot but never from a birthmother or father until this week. This comes up a lot in meetings and the birthmothers are usually adamant that they were NEVER promised secrecy but in fact were threatened with legal action if they violated the secrecy of the child’s new life. I will give you that there are some out there who were promised secrecy and I finally met one via email this past week. I have heard that a few of the agencies are doing this now but this info was passed via second parties and I haven’t talked directly to anyone to confirm they are doing it now even.

The “Right to Privacy” that so many try to use to prevent open records is a farce. They apply to government in that the government doesn’t have the right to invade your privacy without cause and due process. However, just like the seperation of church and state, people have twisted it to include everything they can possibly think of.”

However, I still have a problem with being held to that promise. I didn’t make it and these are my records. The agencies should not be allowed to withold MY information to protect their promise.

Birthmothers made an unselfish decision.

I have heard several adoptees talking about the unselfishness of the birthmother in giving them up for the hope of a better life but I don’t think that’s actually fair. In some cases it may be true but in others you may be setting them on a pedistal where they won’t be comfortable. Not to belittle what they went thru, but it often wasn’t an unselfish act. I guess I should clarify that by saying it wasn’t a concious unselfish act by many but instead the only real choice they had because of society, family prejudices and fear. Unfortunately, many were just not given any possible choice to begin with. They were shipped off to maternity homes and told not to come back with the child. In the homes, they were berated, verbally abused, and just generally mistreated. Abortion wasn’t really an option. When they finally returned childless, they were told to never speak of it and the feelings would just go away. How much of this was due to just not understanding or just not caring, I don’t know. However, for years people have been bringing this type of stuff up and the agencies haven’t really tried to change (a few have) and some are even going to the opposite extreme of trying to pass laws making it illegal to even have search groups or allow states to open records.

I will grant you on this one as well that it isn’t always the story for every birth family but I have heard this thread in way to many places to not believe it. Heck, stories such as this are the basis for the book “The Girls Who Went Away?” The author as well as some other birthmoms are guests at this years CUB retreat so I am looking forward to meeting them.

It’s telling of our society that we call children without fathers, bastards, as if it’s the child’s fault, or we make pariahs out of the unwed and pregnant questioning whether they are fit to raise a child, yet also make fun of the virgins.

Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not; it is the first lesson that ought to be learned; and however early a man’s training begins, it is probably the last lesson that he learns thoroughly.
Thomas H. Huxley (1825 - 1895)

I am going to college. Okay, I’m not “going” anywhere but I have signed up for college courses line to work toward a Bachelors of Science in Computers to begin on October 1st.

The classes are all online so I get to take classes at my leisure. I havev never really taken any college courses with the exception of a macroeconomics class onboard ship. However, the future seems to require a degree, being a Vet doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I am in a mixed state though. Partly excited about the new stuff to learn and partly worried about the math courses. Math was never my strong suit, which is strange considering I went into advanced weapons and electronics in the military which is pretty much all math as well as now working in computers. Then again, counting in binary is pretty easy. Oh well, just need to take it as it comes right?

Nothing new on the adoption front with the exception that I talked to the PI I mentioned before. Unfortunately, she doesn’t think she can help at all. The agency holds all the records and she agrees that there were probably changes or adjustments to my non-id which is why I haven’t been able to make any matches to reality. Oh, one cool thing, my parents visited the agency. Someone mentioned that I should ask them because the agency might share some more but oh well, they didn’t. My parents did tell them I would be out and might drop by. I am looking forward to it. :angel:

It’s late, I’m tired, and Wayne is about to sing on “Who’s Line.” See ya but I will leave you with one more quote:

Education is like a double-edged sword. It may be turned to dangerous uses if it is not properly handled.
Wu Ting-Fang

Maybe I should work on a degree in law?

I have been asked this question a lot recently. In some ways the only answer I can give is a question in return, “why do you breathe?” So I search but I didn’t really know why I have felt such a strong need.

I like logic puzzles so I could say it’s the need to fill in the pieces and make them fit. I’m pretty good at spacial logic as well so just puzzles in general are fun. I could say that it is because it seems expected of me, since the first thing most people ask when they find out you are adopted is whether you have ever wanted to meet you birthmom. (Have you ever noticed that when you say yes or that you are searching, the next question is whether or not you had good adoptive parents? Funny that.)
I could say that I am searching just for medical info but that would be a lie. Oh it’s a good and valid one but for me it’s still a lie or at least not really the truth. I do want to know and it is important but it would be more like icing on the cake.

I could say that I am searching because I want to define who I am. Although there is a fear that I may allow it to define who I am and that would be wrong. I am the searcher, the search is not me. The goal of the search is a part of me though. Finding out more about my history, heck knowing it since my non-id is untrustworthy. The knowledge I could gain is my history, my genetics, my ancestry, and my culture.

I could say that I search for my son, because all those things apply to him as well.

I could say that I search to be able to look into the eyes of an adult who looks like me. To see a reflection in another human being and not a mirror. A similar nose or same color and shape of eyes. To feel that spark of recognition that this is my blood.

I could say that I search for all these reasons and I would be accurate but I think i have finally figured out the most important thing for me in why I search: Control. As a child, so much was taken from me and I had no control of it. Despite the things I gained in return I still want part of what was taken from me. I have read many books on adoptees and the issue that can arise and I am aware that control is one of them because it’s one of mine. I can be manipulative to the extreme if need be and often have to force myself to stop.

I’m not going to stop in this case though. I search because I am not going to run away and hide or be subject to some other persons fears, insecurities, or shame. I search because it pisses me off that the agency can hold it over my head.

I search to regain control over what is mine.

The past month has been up and down. There have been so many reunions in the different groups that I am involved in that it’s now just daggers. I mean, I am happy for them but it still hurts. The little kid is still screaming “when is it my turn???” Along with the reunions are the refusal of the agency to send the letter I wrote and the letter they sent me saying they had completed their search. They had located several men with the name of my birthfather but some have denied it and others haven’t replied. (Heck, they should just send me some pictures and let me decide who it is! :lol: )

Then a birthday. The first birthday since she was contacted. That was fun let me tell you. Oh yeah, and an email from another person dealing with same the agency who has found out some of the non-id was false now that they have reunited.

The the shows. I saw part of the Dead Zone series pilot again where the doctor goes back to Vietnam to find his mom whom he thought was dead. The other was a Stargate SG1 episode called “Windows of Opportunity.” This is my favorite episode because it explored what you might do if you kept reliving the same 10 hours over and over. (Apparently it was others favorite as well because it was voted the best on Sci-Fi.) Anyway, two of the characters get stuck in a time loop and only they remember the day repeating. They keep telling everyone and as the episode progresses one of the other characters asked them if ever decided to just let go since in ten hours everything would reset and no one would know. After that, the two start doing the craziest things. However, it’s gets me to thinking, what would I do? There is only one answer I keep coming to. I would break into the agency and steal MY records. Then I would spend the next loop finding my blood, then the next few trying different things to open a dialog with them. I think I would go back to free the rest of the records as well.

I have an upcoming retreat in Florida coming up next month. Since I will be there I am going to visit my parents and I am planning on going by the hospital that the first searcher mentioned. I am also going to visit the archive while I am there. Who knows, maybe I will walk away with a little more than I have now. I’m not going to break in though. :angel:

I almost wasn’t sure I was going. My work has a policy for the accrual of vacation but on a year when the rate changes it is a different formula which wasn’t written. So when I planned on the vacation along with the Oregon trip last month, I thought I would have a few days. Apparently not. I was so pissed. Later I was telling my wife about it (kind of nervous about it as well because she wants me to go and I didn’t want to lose about two days of pay.) Silly me, when I told her, she told me to go negative, she didn’t care because it was more important for me to see my family and she would make the budget work. How cool is she?

So I am going and my sister is as well but most of the others who went last year aren’t so it’s a bit disappointing. It’s another vacation though. I need another break, although I wish my wife and son were going. Maybe next year.