ocular leaks
This week is worse. I can feel tears behind my eyes constantly and little things keep making them leak. I feel like I should go get a wrench and close a valve or something. I don’t want to be around people, don’t want to talk or even be seen. I just want to curl under the covers and hide. Watching TV, listening to music, or even just looking at my son and wife brings it up. I wish she would write to me. Just a note to say “hi,” or “I got your note,” or even “I don’t want contact.” Something from her hand. Something I could hold. Something that says, “you are important enough to me to at least acknolwedge you.” That’s the heart of it. Her being contacted thru the agency gave her the perfect opportunity to blow me off and that fact that she did is what is causing this pain.
I don’t want to be adopted anymore. I don’t want to feel this driving need to find out my past. I want to be able to just say these are my parents and be fine with that and share their history and know it’s mine. I can’t. I have tried to stay off the boards for a while, tried to stay away from the groups, but I can’t. I’m like a moth to a flame. Then again, now is probalby not the best time to try it anyway. Too much is coming up. Only a few more days and it will pass and then I will go on vacation and not worry about anything.
Right?
August 9th, 2006 at 3:42 pm
So sorry! I think (just my opinion) that part of the reason that this is so hard is because it is completely out of your control. Once again she is making decisions for you and you cannot control those decisions. I don’t know what is going on in her life that makes her not want any form of contact. I am sorry.
August 9th, 2006 at 6:45 pm
this makes me so sad for you. if only it would just be done. if only’s, should haves, and would haves are just empty words for you. i am sending gentle hugs. hold onto your sanity. don’t let it win. do not succumb to the bitter and lonely thoughts you are having now. do you think she would get hold of you if she knew the effect it was having on you? probably not. why give her that control over you? areyou not a strong human? i think you are. you are just having some trouble accepting things right now. believe me, i have been where you are. maybe it is just as bad for me …the biological mother KNOWS where i am , and still doesn’t try to reconnect with me. is it really worth it? to the little boy within you who longs to understand, sometimes there is just no understanding some things. my soundest advice that i can offer is for you to feel what you are feeling, then let it go, wraith. it is not doing you or your family any good watching you rip yourself apart over someone who you cannot control. you can only control what you do, and how you handle things from here on out. change the things you can, accept the things you cannot change, and i know you have the wisdom to know the difference. take care, dear wraith. i really am sorry for this sadness and if you want to email me, or message me, feel free. i will listen. there is nothing wrong with a good old fashioned cry. mourn the loss, do not let it eat away at you any more. just let it out and let it go. take care. poet
August 10th, 2006 at 4:31 pm
Handsome man boy do I know the feeling! I am trying to move on. I have decided to eliminate ppl like dear old birthmother from my life. If you lie, you are gone, If you cheat, you are gone. If playing games is your things, you are out the door. I have to attend the groups and chatrooms that I go to. Like you, reading blogs and reading forums keeps me informed. It also keeps me from going bonkers. A birthmother friend whose daughter refused years ago. Even treats her adoptive mom like a disease. Fortunately, she has contact and friendship with the adoptive mom. It does ease as time moves forward.
One other thing about this journey: I realized how much my adoptive family was hurt by the process. Not by my searching but by what she has done to me. On my birthday, I avoided my family. My husband had strict orders not to answer phone calls. One call came up with a strange area code. He was so hoping it was her. Alas it was a call from my youngest sister. I knew it. Gotta love my man for wanting this for me so badly. I realized how much I was loved and appreciated. Not just by family and friends but all the wonderful women and men that I have met along the way ( that does include you by the way)
As you wished me, Happy Birthday to my brother. Let us just get through these rough months one step at a time. Hug each other and laugh with each other. Soon I hope that we will be okay.
August 10th, 2006 at 4:32 pm
Dig this one I also quit smoking as well. So far so good. 28 hours and going strong. Thank God for butterscotch candy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here is one that I dedicate just for you.
August 10th, 2006 at 9:39 pm
I love butterscotch candy and congrats on quitting!