Anger and Pain
I am angry. I am angry at the world, at society, at the possibilities I don’t have and never will, and at my mother. It took a lot for me to say that but I am mad at her. Mad for letting me go 30+ years ago, wehter I had a good life and good parents or not, mad that she wasn’t there. Mad that she doesn’t have the strength to see me now or to go thru the pain/fear/whatever else she is feeling. Mad at her for rejecting me again. Yeah, logically I can understand what she is going thru and yeah I get what she may have gone thru. The point is, the little kid in me doesn’t care. I just don’t care. Okay, that’s not really true, I do care but I don’t want to care. Why won’t she write or call the agency? Why won’t she try? Why doesn’t she care?
So Poet, I owe you an apology. I told you I wasn’t mad at her but I am. I’m mad at my birthmom and I was in denial before.
All day, I have had a shortness of breath and a pain in my chest. I read posts from other adoptees such as Amy and I feel such pain inside, more so now than ever. Eleven days and I will be on vacation, eleven days and I will be past it. I just hope I don’t lose my temper or sanity before then.
Deep, deep in my heart, so deep I feel like a Tardis, there is sadness.
August 1st, 2006 at 11:38 pm
I wish that I could talk to her and let her know how wrong what she is doing really is. I wish I could talk her out of her protective birth mother closet and let her know what she is missing in not knowing you and your son. Though I don’t quote the bible much (or ever), I keep thinking of the line, “Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.” I doubt that she has any idea of how much she is missing and how much her refusal to be in touch affects you. I so wish that she did, and could let down her walls and reconnect with you.
I am so sorry she isn’t ready yet - I hope something softens her heart or gives her the strength she needs to face reality soon. Hang in there, my friend!
Hugs,
Cookie
August 2nd, 2006 at 10:29 am
Dan,
I am so amazed how honest and upfront you are.What a great quality in a person.I hope to get to be that way one day soon.For reasons unknown to you at this time your birthmother is not able to address or cope with the knowledge you want to have contact with her.We know every situation is different.I would imagine she is so very afraid to write back to the agency-i know fear is what held me back all these years-fear is very powerful is you let it be.Fear you would hate her for giving you up,fear you may not understand,fear you may not like her,fear of the unknown.I sure hope she finds her way to you.Please know she is thinking about of my gosh what do i do.YOu know if she has no support she is most likely lost in knowing what or how to respond to you.I have alot of admiration for your courage to continue to hang in there…what a strong person you are.I’m sending good thoughts your way…
Cynthia/Scott’s mom
August 2nd, 2006 at 6:59 pm
wraith , you owe me nothing. i can understand your pain. i only hope that you can put it behind you, rather than let it fester and eat you up inside. i am angry too sometimes. i did my birth search, found both parents, and older sister, younger half sister, and a younger brother. the relationship i had with my biodad was a truly wonderful one, for the time i had him. my birth mother, well, that is another story. i went into the whole search/find, and meet thing with one objective in mind. to let them know that i was well adjusted (mostly), that i was healthy (for the most part), and that i had a good life. i made myself available to them to build a relationship with on an adult level. it was my birth mother’s choice to stop communicating with me, and it was her choice to stay in the past and relive whatever it was that occured around the time that i was (given up) placed into care. i sometimes have to just give my head a shake. i am a pretty nice person, and why would she not want to have an adult relationship with me? i came to the conclusion that she could not get past the what ifs and the shoulda coulda wouldas, and i don’t have the time in my life for that. i am in the same general location i was back in 1989 when i initially made contact, and i am not hard to find. she chooses not to find me and hta tis ok with me. i learned what i need to at the time.
i hope that the opportunity presents itself for you. try and grow a resolve to accept the things you cannot change, dear wraith. it will make life a whole lot easier to deal with. insofar as the relationships with my siblings; my younger borhter was too young (he was 15 but too young as far as i could see) to grasp what was going on back in 1989, and has never made any attempt to get hold of me. my younger sister has also stopped contact, following our birth father’s death in 1994. my older sister have had a strained relationship at best. i think i have done what was expected, and so has she, we just never were able to make it work. that is unfortuate, for us both. our bio dad told me something which i put on my blog page as one of the truest quotes that i try and live my life by…”ACCEPT ALL, EXPECT NOTHING” hope you have a good wednesday. poet
ps,,,please ignore my typos. i tried to make sure that everything was spelled right. :)
August 4th, 2006 at 8:25 am
I think anger in this situation is healthy. Obviously it wouldn’t be healthy to stay there but for a while anger is good……….because it’s honest and because you have every reason to be angry at your birth mother for being so selfish.
So scream at the top of your lungs tonight in your car as you are driving home!!! Get it O. U. T.
then go on your vacation and be selfish in your own right by being happy and care free for a while. Not in spite of this crap but because of it!