I’m back from a brief jaunt to Portland, Oregon for a vacation. Funny thing is there was an adoption conference there last weekend but I didn’t go since I had a family wedding to attend. In reality, I didn’t know most of the guests or the family that was there but it was a gorgeous wedding with horse drawn carriages, waterfalls, and excellent food while surronded by pine trees and a babbling brook.

We didn’t do a whole lot, for eaxmple I didn’t get to go hiking as much as I wanted, but it was nice to be away from home and work for a while. Heck, I didn’t even check my email for the entire trip with the exception of the Chosen Babies group. That’s a vacation. My wife kept apologising to me, she was so worried that I wouldn’t have a good time but I did. It was very relaxing and I got to read a lot (I reread 3 of the Honor Harrington series while up there and on the plane and made it partway into the 4th to me, that’s relaxing.)

We did get to go to one set of falls and started the one mile treck up. Unfortunately, due to a cold and being a bit out of shape, I couldn’t get to the top although I did go about 3/4 of the way. My wife did make it to the top though. (I’ll post the pictures when I get them uploaded.) We also visited the Grotto, which is an outdoor Catholic Church. Now, I’m not big on Catholicism but what better place to build a church but a wooded area up against a cliff? Sort of a “Nature’s Cathedral” feeling. Breathtaking, as was the elevator ride up the cliff to the path which wound around the trees and rose bushes.

Being sick was one of the downsides of the trip. It wasn’t a “lay in bed” kind of sick but instead a slight “tickle in the back of the throat” kind of sick. The kind where you take a benadryl and feel pretty good for the next few hours. :sick:

Now it’s back to the grind and reading thru the 1500 emails I had, 500 of which were adoption related. I’ve got to cut back on some of these groups. ;) I almost deleted all the ones from one group but happen to see a reply to one I posted before I left and it led to a get together for about 13 members who live near Disneyland right after I get back from the CUB retreat. I am going to be overloaded that week!! :woot:

I got a letter from Children’s Homes Society of Florida. They have decided they can’t do anything else. Basically it says they have tried everything they can and becuase my blood mom won’t return emails they won’t forward the letter. Also, they contacted several men whose name matches but some didn’t repsond and others replied in the negative so they are done. Heck, they didn’t even send a reciept!

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.
Aldous Huxley

I have weird tastes in music. I’m not a one genre kind of person. From Styx to Queenryche, Bach to Beethoven, TSO to Mannheim Steamroller, Techno to Soft Rock, I run the full spectrum, but not country. My favorite type though is usually New Age because you can feel the power and flow of the music. A lot of classical is like that as well but too often it feels like something is missing.

David Arkenstone is one of my favorites and his song “Another Star in the Sky” is in the top three for me. It’s dedicated to his mom when she passed away because of the story that a hero’s soul becomes a star when someone dies. She was his inspriation and his hero. The melody is uplifting and spritual with a lilt of sadness to it.

TSO is another great group. Their Christmas albums have got to be heard and their salute to Beethoven is really good as well.

Recently I came across another musician who is surpassing these although I only have one of her albums. Constance Demby is phenominal. If you haven’t heard her music you should go to amazon and listen to a few samples. My personal favorite is “Oceans Without Shores” from the AEterna album. There is a celestial quality that Arkenstone touches on but Constance seems to provide. There are several comments on the Amazon site about not listening to her music while operating heavy machinery and I have to agree. The anger and pain I was feeling yesterday has left me for now from listening to her music. I put “Oceans” on loop, turned off the lights and just sat on the floor and felt the music. Unbelievable. I have all her albums stored in my wish list on amazon so I can buy them all.

So ends my birthday. Not to bad, no big party but a good lunch with friends, a great card from my parents, a nice note from my wife and a couple of emails. Over all, not to bad at all and I made it thru. Now, if I can just survive the airport tomorrow with my family.

Today at work I was performing some maintenance on a computer in the Sales Department. It was toward the end of the day so there was only one sale person and one csr in the area.

Anyway, the one sales guy asked if tomorrow was my birthday. When I said yes, he replied that today was his and we both are the same age. He began telling me about a guy he grew up with who was born August 8th and at the same hospital as him.

Anyway, this csr pipes in (as she usually does with any conversation within 100′ of her) and comments that maybe he was switched at birth. Then she starts to make jokes asking him if he looks like his parents. Ooooooh that was bad timing since I was sitting next to her. :sneaky:

I got up, told her that I don’t look like either of my parents (to which she started to laugh a little) then told her I didn’t find it funny at all. I left the room and slammed the door. Once I got back to my server room, I had to laugh a bit. I wish I could have seen her face. One of the marketing people (who is in an office that is besides sales called me to make sure I was okay. She knows my story so when I told her about the comment the csr made, she understood.

So it just goes to show you, be careful when you make a joke. Not everyone around you may actually think it’s funny. :gasp:

This week is worse. I can feel tears behind my eyes constantly and little things keep making them leak. I feel like I should go get a wrench and close a valve or something. I don’t want to be around people, don’t want to talk or even be seen. I just want to curl under the covers and hide. Watching TV, listening to music, or even just looking at my son and wife brings it up. I wish she would write to me. Just a note to say “hi,” or “I got your note,” or even “I don’t want contact.” Something from her hand. Something I could hold. Something that says, “you are important enough to me to at least acknolwedge you.” That’s the heart of it. Her being contacted thru the agency gave her the perfect opportunity to blow me off and that fact that she did is what is causing this pain.

I don’t want to be adopted anymore. I don’t want to feel this driving need to find out my past. I want to be able to just say these are my parents and be fine with that and share their history and know it’s mine. I can’t. I have tried to stay off the boards for a while, tried to stay away from the groups, but I can’t. I’m like a moth to a flame. Then again, now is probalby not the best time to try it anyway. Too much is coming up. Only a few more days and it will pass and then I will go on vacation and not worry about anything.

Right?

I am angry. I am angry at the world, at society, at the possibilities I don’t have and never will, and at my mother. It took a lot for me to say that but I am mad at her. Mad for letting me go 30+ years ago, wehter I had a good life and good parents or not, mad that she wasn’t there. Mad that she doesn’t have the strength to see me now or to go thru the pain/fear/whatever else she is feeling. Mad at her for rejecting me again. Yeah, logically I can understand what she is going thru and yeah I get what she may have gone thru. The point is, the little kid in me doesn’t care. I just don’t care. Okay, that’s not really true, I do care but I don’t want to care. Why won’t she write or call the agency? Why won’t she try? Why doesn’t she care?

So Poet, I owe you an apology. I told you I wasn’t mad at her but I am. I’m mad at my birthmom and I was in denial before.
All day, I have had a shortness of breath and a pain in my chest. I read posts from other adoptees such as Amy and I feel such pain inside, more so now than ever. Eleven days and I will be on vacation, eleven days and I will be past it. I just hope I don’t lose my temper or sanity before then.

Deep, deep in my heart, so deep I feel like a Tardis, there is sadness.