Dear Mom (the followup)
“They say follow your heart follow it through
But how can you when you’re split in two?”
Face To Face
Siouxsie & The Banshees
I sent the letter to you last Tuesday, or actually I sent the letter to the agency to send to you. I was hoping they would let me know when they got it, but gave up and sent an email to them on Monday. Today I got the reply:
I have e-mailed your birth mother to see if she is willing to accept your letter. I will let you know when I hear from her.
So now it’s in your court. You have the power and the choice. You can decide to just completely ignore the email or say no to the letter. You have the control. Do you walk away and never look back? Do you take a chance and see what may be?
I don’t do well allowing others in control. It’s driving me a little crazy knowing these strangers have access to you and I don’t. They have the ultimate control over me right now. I so want to rant and rave to them about how I am paying them so why can’t they just send the letter but I know they could just tell me to pack sand and I would have no recourse. They have the monopoly on my information and it’s so frustrating how worried they are about your privacy and even the thought of disturbing you and the guy who has payed them over $600 is nothing really to them, well other than a continued cash cow. Heck I don’t even have any way to prove that they are even actually doing anything or even sending you emails and not just lying to me.
In a session the other day, the question came up about how long I will keep trying or even if I can ever give up. It isn’t something I have really thought about a lot or at least allowed myself to think about. I just keep hoping for the miracle but this is killing me slowly. My chest hurts deep inside but I can’t cry, the tears barely come then go away. I can’t stand the thought that I won’t ever meet you or at least see you. I so want to introduce you to my son and my family and they all want to meet you.
So when do I give up? How long do I keep trying? I said before I would never lose hope but I am. Slowly but surely, I am but I don’t want to.
haha, siouxsie, I met her back in the day, she is a kook, wouldn’t be surprised if she is adopted too.
i have been reading your blog, and i really feel the pain that you are trying to express about this. it is eating you up already. would it be so hard to let it go, give it up to chance? i’m sorry it is so hard and the way things are for those who have the control. i’ve cried for you.
I’m so sorry. In my case, my natural mother doesn’t know (or won’t say) who he is. When I tried to talk to her, I was told by her, “Get over it.” I can’t. I’m so sorry for your pain. I hurt for you.
The sad thing about adoption is that even when you want to let it go you cant, I wanted to take a break from my thoughts about adoption so many times, but its impossible. I think until one gets to a certain point in reunion, its too difficult to think of anyting else.
I feel your pain, I hope she communicates soon.
MSP
checking in. i hope you find your peace soon. take care…poet
I keep hoping and hoping there will be a way in.