Dear Mom (revision)
Okay, so I realise I probably shouldn’t send a letter that is quite so confrontational or needy so here is what I am working on now. Any and all comments would be appreciated.
Hello again. I have asked the agency to send this letter for me and I hope it finds you well.
First off, I would also like to ask for updated medical information for both my sake and that of my son and any other info you would be willing to share about my birth. For example, I am not even allowed to know what hospital I was born in without your permission
I realize you do not want contact with me and I will honor that, however I do still want to meet people whom I share blood with. Last year, while the agency was searching for you, they came across your brother and his wife. The agency said that your sister-in-law had known about the adoption and that they had lost contact with you several years previous. The agency would not allow us to contact each other or even let me know if they were interested in contact until we have your permission so I am asking for your permission to allow them to contact me if they wish and for the agency to approach them on my behalf. Please let them know your answer.
Finally, I would like to make a final plea for contact. I would really like to meet you or at least talk to you and find out the history of my blood. It’s more than medical, although that is important. For example, the non-id says your father was in the Navy as was I but I don’t know how much of it I can trust as fact. Funny the coincidences in life if it is true. Would it be possible to at least know the reason you do not want contact? Is there some concern or fear you have? Would you be open to the possibility of letters thru an intermediary?
Did you happen to catch the DMC: My Adoption Journey documentary? In one part, she discusses looking for Chapter 1 in his book of life. That’s what I would like. I realize it might be painful for you or you may have put the past behind you. I don’t mean to cause you pain or worry and I’m a pretty good guy once you get to know me. (Granted I might be a bit biased but others have said it as well.)
So, I was thinking of signing it, “your son” but that might be a little too much like a knife in the heart. Opinions?
Next comes the harder part. Once I have it written, I will need to convince the agency to actually forward it.
yeah, I hope you don’t get offended but no. I don’t think this is quite right.
Not that I am entirely sure what would be, I haven’t given it enough thought.
Where were you adopted? it seems that you have some orange county ca references, I was born there. I know ca is the only one with an orange county.
Why do you have to go through an intemediary?
My guess is no she didn’t see the doc. she tuned it out. She cut off, for her own survival, or for whatever reason.
I need to think about this.
You have to think about this from her perspective, she is afraid of contact, I think getting in contact with her relatives will sound like a threat.
I mean even if she is a total creep, it would be good for you to see her. To know her somewhat. She is thinking about it constantly right now,whether fear of exposure or what– I don’t know, maybe she is ashamed of her life and how it turned out, who knows?
I think you should find out who she is in real life first
just my opinion
joy
Actually, I was born in Orlando which is Orange County Florida, although I work in Orange County California now, go figure.
The agency I was adopted thru does not share the info and has been known to “adjust” stuff to make it harder for contact. They will search for a fee and have finally found her but its like pulling teeth getting info from them.
I get that’s she is probably afraid but the little kid in me doesn’t care. I want to know who she is and who my blood is.
I know how you feel Wraiths, about the little kid wanting to know. I was the same way.
I too went through an intermediary program, but had a different outcome. I recently joined an adoption group in Phoenix. They do NOT advocate going through the intermediary program, because it’s so easy for the party that’s “found” to hold off. They advocate finding parents yourself. Many of the bmoms in my group said that the first time they had contact, it made all the difference. Especially by phone.
My humble opinion is to go ahead and send the letter. Then see if you can find some support groups or search angels in your area to help you find her yourself. You can reach an independent search consultant in your area through the following site: http://www.iscsearch.com/Home.htm for free. I was able to find an address and phone number for my bdad through them. Haven’t had the courage to do anything with it yet though.
Best,
Andie D.
OK I thought about this when I was running today. This is what I thought. If she is afraid of contact it must have to do with her present day situation, or a fear of losing control.
So I would try to stay relatively low-key. I would avoid words like plea and blood, instead I would ask for one specific thing. Like maybe, I have always wanted to hear the story of my birth, and find out the town/hospital I was born in. Or negative statements like I know you don’t want contact with me, to something more positive.
And in the asking for something specific, I would make it small and material, something that even someone who didn’t want contact would find ‘doable’ I think it might soften her, I don’t know.
But on rereading it today, I think for the most part it is really good, my birds-eye instincts say make it as low key as possible, on a account that the most logical explanation is fear.
How do the intermediaries know they have the right person after all this time?
Joy
P.S.
I think leaving the documentary reference is a good thing, maybe she will.
Ask her why she doesn’t want contact and ask her if there is ANY form of contact she would be comfortable with?
Maybe she could swap letters or e-mails with you?
I hope something comes of this Wraith, it always saddens me when mums say no to contact, I just don’t get it, I really don’t.
All the best
Kim.Kim
Hi Kim.Kim, I made a change in green on your suggestion. Is this what you mean?
I have no proof they did joy, I can only hope they got it right although the person in question told them the name of the blood father so she is probably somebodys blood mom.
Yep, give her plan B and option C just in case. She might have a terrible husband or not have told her other children about you or well I don’t know, I am just hoping that if alternatives are presented she might say yes.
My husband and I both like it. I think you should send it. I sent one to my adoption agency but they can’t send it to her. I even sent pictures. At the time she didn’t want them. Try pictures too. My CI recommended pictures. She even half read the letter to her over the phone. When my birthmom called back. My CI, Catrina, even asked her to release the records for the sake of me finding my father. She told her that I promised not to make contact. I had no luck. I do think that this is eating at both of our birthmoms. Why is it that we are two educated people especially in the area of adoption and we can make no headway and yet there are adoptees that make the connection that couldn’t care less. In fact they refuse contact with their birthmoms. Go figure. GO FOR IT
hi. i’ve only just tuned in to your blog. i have been where you are. i did a search, found everyone, and got the info that you so desperately seek. i have seen both sides of the coin. to me, your letter sounds a bit harsh, and i’d leave out the pleading parts. so you have NAY information surrounding the circumstances of your conception and birth? there are so many reasons why children are given into adoption, and even more reasons why birth mothers and birth fathers drop off the face of the world (or so it would appear). keep plugging on, and when the time is right, it will fall into place (just my experience, and i have been there).
take care and have a good day.
Thank you all for your comments. I made several modifications and it went out today.