At church the other day, the pastor spoke about a journal he kept for his son. He would write about the things he saw or thoughts he had as his son grew up.

I thought this idea was great, so I have begun to occasionally write in the journal as well as draw pictures for him. I’m not much of an artist but I have a few beginner books with small drawings so I make them for him and to relax. I hope one day he will read it and see I’m not such the ogre that he thinks I probably am now. All these rules and expectations, poor guy. :lol:

When I was growing up my mom had this drawing books that took basic letters and redrew them into animals. My favorite, and the only one I can remember, is the cursive letter G which made a cool looking bug with a can of People Spray. I made this for my son and he can’t stop laughing at the people spray so it’s the first drawing in the journal.

It’s kind of funny though. He probably won’t see this for years but I still can’t put down anything about my birth mother. It’s like I want to protect him (me?) from trying to understand it. Or maybe I am still hoping it will change and I will never have to tell him. :wacko: Get’s confusing now.

For now though, I need to stop, searching that is. I don’t have the strength to keep trying so hard so I need a breather. The agency can kiss my butt because they aren’t getting a dime more from me. I need to get back to reading and writing as well as get back to working on the Chosen Babies group and developing it more. Basically, I need to work on me to get thru this anger and pain. Sort of “deal with the inner rapids of my mind.”

You know there are days were I feel my chest is going to burst and days I am comfortably numb. Then there are days like today where the story of a 75 year old guy who finds his other family brings hope to my heart.

Read the Story here: Grandpa Don Plefka

“They say follow your heart follow it through
But how can you when you’re split in two?”
Face To Face
Siouxsie & The Banshees

I sent the letter to you last Tuesday, or actually I sent the letter to the agency to send to you. I was hoping they would let me know when they got it, but gave up and sent an email to them on Monday. Today I got the reply:

I have e-mailed your birth mother to see if she is willing to accept your letter. I will let you know when I hear from her.

So now it’s in your court. You have the power and the choice. You can decide to just completely ignore the email or say no to the letter. You have the control. Do you walk away and never look back? Do you take a chance and see what may be?

I don’t do well allowing others in control. It’s driving me a little crazy knowing these strangers have access to you and I don’t. They have the ultimate control over me right now. I so want to rant and rave to them about how I am paying them so why can’t they just send the letter but I know they could just tell me to pack sand and I would have no recourse. They have the monopoly on my information and it’s so frustrating how worried they are about your privacy and even the thought of disturbing you and the guy who has payed them over $600 is nothing really to them, well other than a continued cash cow. Heck I don’t even have any way to prove that they are even actually doing anything or even sending you emails and not just lying to me.

In a session the other day, the question came up about how long I will keep trying or even if I can ever give up. It isn’t something I have really thought about a lot or at least allowed myself to think about. I just keep hoping for the miracle but this is killing me slowly. My chest hurts deep inside but I can’t cry, the tears barely come then go away. I can’t stand the thought that I won’t ever meet you or at least see you. I so want to introduce you to my son and my family and they all want to meet you.

So when do I give up? How long do I keep trying? I said before I would never lose hope but I am. Slowly but surely, I am but I don’t want to.

Father’s day was conceived by Sonora Dodd in 1909, who wanted to way to honor her father, a civil war veteran who raised his six children alone. In 1910, they celebrated the first “Father’s Day” in Spokane Washington.

So now we celebrate it today, the third Sunday of June. For all fathers out there, Happy Father’s Day!!

I saw this on a furniture store truck today, along with a cute picture of a baby. My first reaction was, “Why can’t you keep them?” It’s funny how this shapes our thoughts and feelings on stuff.

We have this cat that lives under our house now. When I lay in the hammock, she will jump up on my chest just purr away. She is very freidnly and playful and my son is scared to death of her. If I am holding her, he will come over to pet her, but if she looks at him he will get scared.

I don’t know why he is like this around cats. I don’t know of a time when he was ever hurt by one. He doesn’t have an issue with sheep, goats, or even nice calm dogs (although the hyper ones bug him as well.) This cat is also extremely friendly.

Anyway, we are considering sending the cat to the pound and I find myself not wanting to. It’s not so much that I really like the cat, although growing up, I always had a cat. It’s more about giving this part of my family away. I have come to expect her to be sitting at the door when I go to work in the morning and waiting on the fence when I get home. At the same time, I hate to see my son so scared and don’t want him to feel that way in his own yard. We can’t even have a nice dinner on the patio without him running inside when the cat comes near. I just don’t get it but don’t see any way around it.

I sometimes wonder if this was the way it was with my blood mom. Keep me or stay in the family? Me or finish college?

Recently, quite a few of my adoptee friends have reunited in one way or the other. Some of them keep apologizing to me like they have done something wrong. I am happy for you, my friends. Granted it does hurt a bit inside and I am jealous. It gives me hope but I also get it doesn’t happen to everyone so enjoy the gift you were given and don’t worry about upsetting or offending me please. Oh and ignore the tears of the boy behind the curtain when I smile.

Okay, so I realise I probably shouldn’t send a letter that is quite so confrontational or needy so here is what I am working on now. Any and all comments would be appreciated.

Hello again. I have asked the agency to send this letter for me and I hope it finds you well.

First off, I would also like to ask for updated medical information for both my sake and that of my son and any other info you would be willing to share about my birth. For example, I am not even allowed to know what hospital I was born in without your permission

I realize you do not want contact with me and I will honor that, however I do still want to meet people whom I share blood with. Last year, while the agency was searching for you, they came across your brother and his wife. The agency said that your sister-in-law had known about the adoption and that they had lost contact with you several years previous. The agency would not allow us to contact each other or even let me know if they were interested in contact until we have your permission so I am asking for your permission to allow them to contact me if they wish and for the agency to approach them on my behalf. Please let them know your answer.

Finally, I would like to make a final plea for contact. I would really like to meet you or at least talk to you and find out the history of my blood. It’s more than medical, although that is important. For example, the non-id says your father was in the Navy as was I but I don’t know how much of it I can trust as fact. Funny the coincidences in life if it is true. Would it be possible to at least know the reason you do not want contact? Is there some concern or fear you have? Would you be open to the possibility of letters thru an intermediary?

Did you happen to catch the DMC: My Adoption Journey documentary? In one part, she discusses looking for Chapter 1 in his book of life. That’s what I would like. I realize it might be painful for you or you may have put the past behind you. I don’t mean to cause you pain or worry and I’m a pretty good guy once you get to know me. (Granted I might be a bit biased but others have said it as well.)

So, I was thinking of signing it, “your son” but that might be a little too much like a knife in the heart. Opinions?

Next comes the harder part. Once I have it written, I will need to convince the agency to actually forward it.