The greatest of these..
My son is raising butterflys.
Painted Ladys to be exact. We received five of them them as caterpillars and after about a week they entered their pupal stage. Last night, the first one came out. The excitement and joy in his face was otherworldly. When we woke up, two more had come out and were drying their wings. Usually, I have to keep asking for him to get ready, but this morning I told him ifhe finished quickly he could watch them for a bit. I have never seen him move so fast.
Watching his face, I realized I nevevr want him to grow up. Never want him to lose that innocence. I think in a way, this is the greatest tragedy in life; that we stop looking at the world in wonder and awe of what God has created for us and instead begin to worry about life, money, death, and work.
I have been guilty of curbing his enthusiasm though. Telling him to be quite or not spending an extra moment listening to him or seeing the world thru his eyes. I find I can’t feel safe enough in myself to pause and smell the roses. I have been so stressed recently with the adoption stuff. During a session last night, the counselor asked me to image a safe place as we worked on breathing exercises. I could not concentrate on a single place and could not let myself relax enough could not feel safe like a child. Even after I got home and the whole house was asleep, I couldn’t find that safe place inside.
Reading the bible though, I come across this popular verse:
1 Corinthians 13:11 - When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
But why? Can you image a world, where we look upon everything with childish delight. Where we thirst for knowledge and to experience new things. To spend time watching a bug crawl across the grass or a bird fly thru the sky. To feel safe in our homes, without worrying about the dangers outside. To love and trust, unconditionally. To watch the transformation of a butterfly and know God is always there for us.
I think I prefer the followup to the verse
1 Corinthians 13:13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
May 17th, 2006 at 5:15 pm
I think you are in just the midst of a trying time with your search situation. You may have lost your ability to smell the roses for awhile, but, I’m betting you’ll get it back - when it is time. I know that I lost that ability to enjoy all that I loved most during early reunion - but, I know too that eventually I got it back.
One of my husband’s favorite things about me is my enjoyment of so much - birds - flowers - nature - new experiences. He worried when I lost it for awhile. You will get it back too!
May 18th, 2006 at 6:59 pm
I can so imagine that world. I hope one day we will all be safe.
May 22nd, 2006 at 11:02 pm
Hi
I am a stranger. I am a fellow adoptee however, and I have been so touched by your site. Perhaps because I feel like I am just a hair’s breath away from being the birth mother to a son. I am not, I am the mother to a son. I don’t know if it’s ok that I leave you a message, because I don’t know you, I am new to this.
But you were one of the ones I posted about in my blog tonight.
As a mother, I am sending you stranger momma love for what its worth.
Just as a reminder, when you are down and out and lonely, there is a whole universe of
love supporting you.
And I am so sorry that your mother is so afraid.
What a price both of you pay for that fear.
And I hope you don’t delve into the levels of grief I did, but I fear there is no escape
Hey you ever read Vonnegut? an adoptive parent.
May 23rd, 2006 at 2:01 am
Beautiful Wraith, just beautiful.
May 23rd, 2006 at 12:12 pm
Hi Cookie, yeah, just need to get my groove back. ;)
Heather: it would be cool wouldn’t it.
Joy: welcome and of course you can comment. Thank you for your kind words.
Mia: thank you.
May 25th, 2006 at 5:07 pm
Kids are great aren’t they!! My little girl got to ride in her first grand entry in a rodeo here in Vernon, Texas. The rodeo announcer, Hadley Barrett, pointed her out in the crowd in the arena not just once but twice. I was absolutely screaming in the stands. That’s my girl I am sure that you can see that. It was done in front of a group of people that can not stand me. It made me happier than donkey at an a$$ kicking contest. That is the Texan in me. So it made my day. I wish our birthmothers could see our kids. I have come to one conclusion. They are rejected themselves by rejecting us.
June 4th, 2006 at 8:55 pm
Hi, I just joined chosen babies and found you through them.
I’ve had many of the same feelings about myself as a parent. Perhaps we “need” the clarity that adulthood brings. But in having children, we are presented with a gift. Part of that gift is that we get to again view the world through a child’s eyes.
Patience, on the other hand, is not a gift. It’s something you have to actively work at. Oh, or maybe that’s just me. ;)