I am slowly losing hope, slowly losing the belief that I will one day get to meet you. At a session tonight, my counselor asked me what I would do if I find all doors closed and I don’t know. I have been too afraid to even consider it. Now that you have had several months to think about it without even the medical info you said you would send thru the agency, I guess I have to consider it now.

My son sometimes prays that we will find you. I don’t have the heart to tell him you have been found and don’t want to meet us. How can I look into his eyes? Into my eyes?You hold total power of the knowledge I want. All of it. Who my ancestors are, what they were? Where they came from? What was my name at birth? Why I was given away? What your life was like? Did you ever think of me?

Without you I can never see original birth certificate or even know what hospital I was born in. Heck, I can’t be positive when my birthday is or even what city I was born in. Do you know that they let your name slip and I was so happy until someone else told me that the agency will sometimes let slip a false name?

My life since has been okay. I have had and continue to have a good life and good parents, but it hasn’t stopped me from wanting to know. Nor has it prevented me from feeling out of place all my life. Adrift.

What do I do now?

In honor of those who have gone before

Here is a great example of the sheer felony stupidity of our legal system.

Short Sex Offender recieves Short Sentence

Just makes you want to cry. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive since I’m 6′5″ but height as a defense and not even a defense he was pushing. :censor:

I am still waiting for the DNA results from the National Geographic study that I talked about here but nothing yet. I have been checking about three times a day and slowly going a bit nuts waiting. Oh well, patience is a virtue right? :sideway:

Unfortunately, my patience with some users isn’t so good. I had a user call because a small program wasn’t working right. While talking with them I rebooted the machine and it came up with an error saying there were bad blocks on drive. I asked how long that had been happening and he tells me “a couple of weeks.” :angry: I’m sorry, a couple of weeks? Um, and you didn’t mention it to anyone? Gotta love these people.

Problem is, I get this about every few weeks, then people get upset because I am upset at them. Iif they would JUST TELL ME WHEN IT HAPPENS! It’s a circle spiraling outward. Oh well: users, can’t work with them, can’t work without them.

However, I have gotten a new notebook. a Dell NoteBook (DNB.) A latitude D820 to be exact. I love this thing with it’s wide screen, DVD writer and speed. My wife isn’t to thrilled with the expense, but since I got the promotion I decided to reward myself and pay for it out of my allowance. :shifty: She was a bit happier about that.

My son let two of the butterflys go the other day; two of them didn’t want to leave so we will try again tomorrow the fifth one died. He cried and laughed at the same time when he had to let them go. Today though, he came home and his goldfish had died. There is a down side to the innocence of a child, feeling grief at the smallest thing. Then again, I am too afraid to feel my own grief. I guess it would be better to feel it and let it go like a butterfly on the wind.

EDIT: Okay, the dang spaces and returns keep getting messed up so sorry if you are seeing this via feed and getting multiple copies.

My son is raising butterflys.

Painted Ladys to be exact. We received five of them them as caterpillars and after about a week they entered their pupal stage. Last night, the first one came out. The excitement and joy in his face was otherworldly. When we woke up, two more had come out and were drying their wings. Usually, I have to keep asking for him to get ready, but this morning I told him ifhe finished quickly he could watch them for a bit. I have never seen him move so fast.

Watching his face, I realized I nevevr want him to grow up. Never want him to lose that innocence. I think in a way, this is the greatest tragedy in life; that we stop looking at the world in wonder and awe of what God has created for us and instead begin to worry about life, money, death, and work.

I have been guilty of curbing his enthusiasm though. Telling him to be quite or not spending an extra moment listening to him or seeing the world thru his eyes. I find I can’t feel safe enough in myself to pause and smell the roses. I have been so stressed recently with the adoption stuff. During a session last night, the counselor asked me to image a safe place as we worked on breathing exercises. I could not concentrate on a single place and could not let myself relax enough could not feel safe like a child. Even after I got home and the whole house was asleep, I couldn’t find that safe place inside.

Reading the bible though, I come across this popular verse:

1 Corinthians 13:11 - When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

But why? Can you image a world, where we look upon everything with childish delight. Where we thirst for knowledge and to experience new things. To spend time watching a bug crawl across the grass or a bird fly thru the sky. To feel safe in our homes, without worrying about the dangers outside. To love and trust, unconditionally. To watch the transformation of a butterfly and know God is always there for us.

I think I prefer the followup to the verse

1 Corinthians 13:13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

So here is a discussion with the Agency today:

Glad we cleared that up. :wacko: Almost makes you want to go adoptal. (you know, as in postal without the postmen :angel: )

Another note from the agency and another negative. Apparently, they have had no luck locating my blood father nor has my blood mother responded to repeated emails requesting the medical info she said she would provide.

The question is, should I believe them? Show I pay for another hour, since I only have three minutes left on the last hour? Should I just give up? :angry:

I am SOOOOO sick of this burearoucratic clap-trap. Who are we protecting? This person who last I heard signed off all her rights concerning me? So why the heck is it more important to protect her non-existant right to privacy than it is to my knowing my ancestry/past/blood? I know I have said this before but this is so freaking annoying.

I want to know where I came from. I want to know what my non-id meant by “other nationality.” I want to be able to share this info with my son, who deserves to know just as much as I do. This isn’t about some womans feelings or family, I am her blasted family. Her genes burn in my blood, my very cells. This is about an America citizen being able to stand up and say with confidence, I came from this. This is about my past, my history, my ancestry, my family tree with it’s two trunks and all the crazy branches. This is about being able to look into my son’s eyes and tell him what his ancestry/history/FULL FAMILY TREE is.

The family that adopted me is great, don’t get me wrong. They are a wonderul family and their morals and traditions reside in my soul and heart but we can never share genes. The pen may be mightier that the sword, but it’s can’t rewrite DNA. I am so angry, I wish I didn’t feel so strongly, have this drive to find out who they are, but I can’t. Every time I back away, I begin to obsess about it again. i have to finish this journey, even as hope dies.

Why doesn’t she want to know me? I just want to be able to say, “don’t be afraid of me or what happened, don’t be ashamed.” Then I have to wonder what the agency told her. Did they stretch the truth a little, to make her cautious or increase the feelings of shame?

See, another person “in the know” mentioned to me that sometimes they will let things slip on purpose. Things that aren’t quite true, like names. There is also the fact that the medical I recieved from the aunt via the agency doesn’t quite jive on the dates with my non-id. I get that the world owes me nothing, but I’m not asking the world. This woman on the other hand, I am.

On a good note, my Genographic Project submission has entered the DNA analysis stage. :okay:

EDIT: So I sent a note saying I would send more money, and then asked if they had checked the name of my blood father against the Vietnam Wall since he was drafted according to the non-id. The reply:

I have not checked the deceased list for Viet Nam. I will do so when we have more time. Best wishes.

“More time” which translate to “when you pay us again.”  :censor: I found two names though of a whose record of address was Richmond and were of Methodist faith and the birthdates would be consistent.

My wife is an amazing woman. She has stood by me thru good times and bad, thru bouts of stupidity and moments of sheer brilliance. She is always there for our son and for me.

At the moment though, she is a long way away. She had been stressed recently and needed a vacation so I told her she should go visit her sister for a week for a vacation. Just her and her sister; no house to clean, no little boy to take care of, no dinner to prepare, no clothes to wash, and no work. This is the week.
Instead she has a week of scrapbooking, pampering, shopping, and relaxing. Till Sunday that is, then back to reality.

Anyway, so I have been taking care of my son, cleaning the house (a bit and with mom-in-laws help,) cooking (we made omelets this morning and steaks last night,) shopping for food, washing clothes, and still going to work. Man do I miss her. ;)

It was pure luck (ie, a higher power) that got us together. During Desert Shield, I was serving aboard a cruiser in the Gulf and a buddy went down to get one of the any-service member letter. He gave me the letter, and I wrote back. After several more letters back and forth between my future wife, her sister and I, my ship was finally relieved and we came back to the states, to the same are as where she lived. We met that night and a few months later started dating. A few years later we were married.

It’s been ups and downs, great times and not so great, moments of perfection and moments of mistakes, but hey, we are only human. She does so much for this family.

I wish she was home but for now, I need to go put the clothes in the dryer.

About a year ago, I requested Kinsolving to start searching for me. I got a note from Kinsolving today:

We have worked on your search and to date have not been able to locate for you. We feel that it would be in your best interest at this time to hire someone else that perhaps can do more then we can to help you locate.
All searchers use different sources and we encourage you to continue in your efforts to find.
We sincerely wish that we would have been able to solve your search.
Please consider this formal cancellation of your contract with Kinsolving Investigations.

I was really hoping they would be able to come thru on my search. I personally know two people that they have reunited and know a few more online who they have helped so I know they are good. Just makes me that much more worried that it won’t work out. At leat with them, I didn’t have to put any money out there so nothing lost but a little bit of hope. Then again, I guess that is a pretty heavy price.

Ecclesiastes 3
1. There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
and
6. a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

Funny the verses you find when you aren’t really looking. Granted, the fact that I had the whole thing highlited helped, but I wonder what time it is for me?