“You’re only killing time and it will kill you right back.”
Meat Loaf
I got some weird news today. The lawyer who handled my adoption passed away earlier this month. I knew he had been sick, but last I heard he was getting better.

His daughters are also adopted and we grew up together at church as little kids and later at high school. I barely remember him but it still hurts a bit to know he has passed. I don’t know why. I think it’s a peice of my past has been lost. I had sent him an email requesting any information he had quite a while ago but never heard back.

It makes me think about my blood mom and her mortality. We all hope to have a happy reunion when we begin searching but it doesn’t always happen. Some find death has beaten them to the goal. In some ways I almost wonder if that would have been better. It would have given a sense of closure but now I have to just wait for her to decide what to do. But what if she passes away in the mean time? How do I deal with that? So close and yet so far?

It makes me think about my own parents as well. When my Grandfather and Grand mother passed away, I barely cried. I don’t think that I stuffed it, just that I felt detached, no emotion at all. Since I began this journey, I feel all the time. Sometimes I wish I didn’t any more but it feels good as well.

Of course, this makes me think of my own mortality and my wife. While I do believe that I will go to heaven, I still agree with the “rage against the dying of the light.”

Then I round it out with worrying about my son. I watch shows and if a child is hurt or killed, I get the urge to just run over and give him a hug, even if he isn’t around. Actually maybe more so then. I don’t think I would survive him being hurt or killed. Maybe only long enough to exact vengence, but not much after that. Anyway, down that path lies insanity.

Okay, I don’t do this all the time. I haven’t become a psychopathic hermit. I haven’t gone all morbid, wearing black all the time with a black rose pinned to my jacket. I have actually been having a great week, heck a great month but every once in a while, I get worried that I will never meet her.

My kit from the Genographic Project came today. All sorts of cool little notes, letters, cards, maps and stuff inside.

The paper with the two skulls is a map has a lot of info on DNA. Apparently, the Y chromosomal DNA is one of the “highly effective genetic tools for tracing human lineages through history.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t translate to the female side of the genetic history, however that’s where the Mitochondrial DNA comes in. Due to the higher mutation rate, a larger variation is available for study across the globe. Using the two, they can track. For example, it looks like we are all related to a male from about 60,000 years ago from somewhere in Africa. (Wonder if his name was Noah?)

It has these cool little swabs and vials straight out of CSI, I keep waiting for Grissom to step out of the little box.

The funny thing about the whole kit. They didn’t flip for postage. Oh well, all in the name of science, right?

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

That’s the smile I’m talking about. Granted, he just found a bunny egg with a couple of dollars in it.

This weekend, the Easter Bunny is coming to visit my son, as well as a whole bunch of family.

I’m a little nervous about this weekend. I don’t usually like family get-togethers but I have been getting better. It’s usually so overpowering to see all these people who are related and look like my wife and who share my son’s blood. Bottom line is, I’m jealous.

The last weekend we had a bunch of family over was Thanksgiving. I did okay, staying with the group, rather than escaping into a book in the back room. Actually having conversations with people. :shock:

This weekend is going to be similar. We have aunts, uncles, and cousins coming, a whole bunch of people. I get to try out my new barbecue and I’m praying that it won’t rain. (Granted the weatherman says it isn’t going to, but then again, who plans anything based on what they say.) I’m actually looking forward to this weekend; good food, family, hiding eggs for my son to find. (I love seeing his face when he finds one.)

Oh and to my friend BlueJar, my prayers go with you. :cry:

So Blogger is pretty cool, but WordPress has some really cool tricks so I switched. Gotta love all the little bells and whistles it has.

Let me know if there are any issues.

Who was your first ancestor? A question that starts a new DNA project to track the human path, your human path. By using DNA they are attempting to track the genetic markers that show the path of humans as we filled this planet. You can be a part of it.

Okay, I know this is a bit of a sales pitch and I will say I don’t get anything for listing it. I sent off my $100 bucks to get the kit for the test.

National Geographic Genographic Project

As an adoptee, this could be fantastic. I might be able to find out about for sure if I am Norwegian, Welsh, English and Irish. I mean, that’s what my paperwork says, but it also says my blood mom and dad were pretty short and I’m 6′5″. Possible yes, likely?

Can you imagine? Knowing a little bit about my past? A little bit about my ancestry? Just knowing? Granted, this isn’t everything I hope to know about my past but it’s a start.

There is a lot of cool genetic info on the web site. Check it out.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
Sam Levenson

So I get this email from my parents after having read my previous post.

To our dear son and daughter-in-law,WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF PARENTING!!

Can’t you just hear the laughter? Gotta love them.

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.
Oscar Wilde

My son plays the heart strings like a virtuoso. In the past few weeks, he has begun testing his boundaries more and more and often takes it one or two steps too far. For example, last night in Sears, as we were having him try on jeans, I found a cool pair of boxers with the batman logo on them and he was going to try them on. As my wife and I were chatting just outside the changing room, several wierd squelchy/raspberry sort of sound came out of the room. I told him to stop with the noises please went back to talking to my wife. The noises started again. I again asked him to stop. A few minutes later, it happened again. My wife told him that he had been asked to stop making those noises and if he didn’t stop now he would not be able to get the boxers. About mid-way thru her comments a small sound was heard and once she finished talking she looked at me and asked if he had made the noise again. I wasn’t sure because it was pretty quite but then he did it again while I was telling her that. I went in and took the boxers.

What followed was a yelling, crying, kicking tasmanian devil who looked very similar to my son. The worst part was the constant repeating of the phrases, “I’m a stupid boy” or “you should just get rid of me because I’m stupid” or my personal favorite “you don’t love me.” He knows just the right things to say and to do to get under your skin or into your heart and those last two are like daggers thru my soul.

So we went home. I tucked him into bed, read him a story, and then a bible verse. Within minutes he was fast asleep and I was left wondering where I had gone wrong.

I know in reality, this is just part of his growing up but deep down, I can’t shake the feeling that I am failing him somehow. That I am not being the parent he needs or that I am not giving him the love he needs. I can’t shake the insecurity.

In the morning he wakes up with a smile on his face and tells me today is going to be a better day and that he loves me and all I can think is whether I will have time at lunch to run to Sears and go buy those boxers.

What a week. I finally came down from the high I was on, confirming my blood-mother’s name. The rest of the week hasn’t been as good.

Tomorrow is my review. I have it in writing from my last review that I will be made a manager which is cool, I’m kind of excited about that, but I’m wondering about the actual review. I know I do a good job, but I’m also a bit headstrong and a bit sarcastic. Okay, a lot sarcastic. Heck, I’m IT, I’m supposed to be sarcastic. Oh well, I’m probably worried about nothing

Home life is great. I finally went and bought my own copy of “The Missing Piece” by Shel Silverstein. I love this children’s book. If you haven’t read it, you should. It’s about a circle which is looking for it’s missing piece. In the end it finds it’s piece but decides it was okay without it, but it had to know. I read this book to my son and he laughed constantly thru it. It is pretty funny in Shel’s trademark way. I tried to explain the important lesson it teaches, that some times the journey is just as important as the destination, sometimes more so.

Then to follow it all up, there is this story:

Parents appeal loss of custody of caged kids

Can you believe this? Their arguments are based on things like the cage size listed in the warrant was off and listed in the wrong places? You have got to be freakin kiddin me. I am so glad I have two support groups to go to this week.