The Storm
As I sit listening to the rare Southern California storms, I am reminded of the home I grew up in. I was born and raised in Florida, where you can almost set your watch to the rain, or at least the 1:00 sun showers. I miss sun showers, where the rain is so light and the sun is still shining causing rainbows everywhere you look. I used to watch the rain slowly drift across the lake behind my house. Even the driving rain of the hurricanes was pretty cool, much better than the cold dreary rain that we have here.
The house wasn’t a mansion, although when I tell people I grew up in West Palm Beach, they always get this funny look in their eyes and say something like “oh Palm Beach.” Sorry, we lived on the other side of the intercoastal. It was a good house with a big yard and lots of trees. We had a huge tree in the front yard that I loved to climb. I could pretend I was flying in outerspace in that tree or exploring a jungle, or make believe I was Bilbo Baggins, climbing to the top of Murkwood forest. When I was in my teens, I bought a new pair of topsiders, but as I stepped out of the car, a berry fell from that tree and stained them. The next day, I began tearing that tree down. Granted, my Dad had wanted it out for a while, but it was a big tree, it took a bit longer. When I was last there the main stump was still in the ground. Childhood must end sometime.
The lake behind the house had originally been a woody marsh. I used to love going exploring, even when they cut down all the trees, dredged the marsh, and put in a jogging path, it was still kind of fun to hang out in. I don’t really explore anymore. I have become too afraid of what is going on in our world, which is really strange considering not so long ago, I didn’t fear anything. I would go hiking in the park and catch snakes, whether they were poisonous or not. I even walked up to an alligator who was sunning himself once and just stopped and stared at him until he decided to crawl back in the water. I have traveled to probably two thirds of the states in the union, visited almost every country in the Pacific and Indian Oceans, and a few of the Gulf countries as well. I served in theatre during Desert Shield, and walked the back streets of Thailand and the Philippines, alone and at night. I have been held at gunpoint by a Seal team and cracked a joke as well as transported military prisoners and detainees across California without batting an eye.
Now, I prefer to come home and explore/escape with a book or TV show, rather than go outside or hang out with my son. I don’t like to go places where there are crowds, like a theatre on a weekend or a ball game. I have become a couch potato and a homebody, and I really am starting to hate it. The storm has come and I have been found wanting. I need to stop letting this adoption stuff shut me down. I need to stop being a victim of it, which right now, is what I feel like. I need to shake this depression I am in, and wipe the fake smile I have been giving everyone and replace it with a genuine one. My counselor always knows when I am talking about a subject that causes me pain because my smile gets bigger. Right now, I am grinning like a madman.
“Life is a storm my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout, as you did in Rome, ‘Do your worst…for I will do mine.’”
~Count of Monte Christo
I want to find the part of me that used to be fearless too. Beautiful post as always Wraith.
IMO you are not a victim but at the moment, grieving.
I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way,
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne’er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned
from her
When sorrow walked with me.
R.B Hamilton
“For evereything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:”
You will find your strength again and to your surprise you will be stronger.
Hugs,Lady
You said that your counsellor knows when you’re talking about a subject that’s painful to you because your smile gets bigger.
I know what you mean. I’m like that too.
It gives new meaning to the expression “Grin and bare it.”
And I’m not talking about mooning.
Lady’s right. You’re grieving.
But your real smile will come back.
Honest it will.
It’s a real process isn’t it? I refuse to believe this is all there is and I hope you do too!
Some day we will figure out how to get that carefree part of who we are back! Let’s not stop until we do OK?
That makes 3 of us who wonder if you aren’t grieving right now. I believe that we recognize it as we have been in that hard spot.
In year 2-3 of reunion, I was beginning to wonder if my smile would ever come back. But, it has. I still have the sadness at times, but, I go out into the world and enjoy life too. During the first year of reunion, I think that I barely left the house. Didn’t matter, nothing had much of an impact anyway.
Feeling your sadness must be what your mind, soul and heart tell you that you need to do now. I know that I just kept grieving till I finally knew that I could not stay sad all the time any longer. And then, I figured out a way to accept my life as it is and got back to living. Now I can live and smile again; you will get there, my friend!
Wow! Great post. You are a talented writer. I totally understand trying to keep a smile on my face. My whole life I was sad, but put on the fake happy face. We’ll all get through it but it sure is a process!
Telling the storm “Do your worst”, why? Are you prepared for a storm, or you just want to see what more harm it can do to you as you’re already having enough troubles. My dear friend I dont think you’re living your life as you should, engage yourself in something and make a goal for yourself for without an ambition, this life looses its meaning, I think you need to have goals in front of you.
Hello, nice to reading your article, it makes me think deeply. your life is a beautiful life, full of colors. i am from China, i wanna say nice to be here.