So as I mentioned before, I am a tech. I love my job, but there are days….

Today was one of those days. I have three big projects I am currently working on which includes upgrading some of the main servers and I get a call in the middle of it.

Basically the management type person asked if the remote for the projector was still broken and I told them yes so they asked me if I could come turn on the projector. Despite the dozen’s of overly sarcastic comments that sprang to mind, I told them yes.

Now the projector is mounted about 7′ above the ground. The power button is about twice as big as the rest of the buttons and clearly marked with the word “power.” There are lots of chairs which are pretty stable to step on.

I turned the projector on by hitting said button once, then went back to my desk. I’m still working on the sarcastic comments thing.

For many years, I was in denial about adoption. I denied that adoption had any impact on me. I denied that I wanted to know my blood. I denied that I cared. I’m not in denial about that anymore. (Maybe some other things, but I’m not sure yet.)

Since I joined the adoption community, I have seen and talked to a lot of people, whom I thought were also in denial. For example, those adoptees who say they have no issues what so ever, even though they may be adoptees, who have given up children to adoption and adopted (or rescued as I heard one adoptee call it) other children. Adoptive parents who “got” another child so thiers could have a playmate. Birthmoms who say they had no choice and are victims of society. I find one common thread between all these people, I judged them. I judged them based on the tidbits they provided, but what right do I have to judge them?

I need to stop judging. I need to listen. I need to challenge everyone involved.

So my challenge to eveyone involved in adoption:

• For perspective adoptive parents: Why are you adopting? Is it to fill a need? Have you truly thought about having a child in your life? Have you mourned for the child you can’t have? Are you ready to understand the child’s truth? Are you ready to share in the child’s truth?
• For the women considering giving their child up for adoption: Are you sure this is the best for your child and you? Are you sure you can’t raise your child? Do you want to keep your child? Have you talked to adoptees, birthmoms, and adoptive moms to get their stories so you can make an informed decision, not just the info from the people who will make money off the adoption of your child? Do you understand that you are not alone?
• For the adoptee: Are you sure adoption hasn’t had an impact? Are you sure you don’t have any issues at all from adoption? Are you sure you don’t want to search? Are you sure you don’t have anger or fear concerning your birth family? Do you understand that you are not alone?
• For birthmoms: Do you blame the world for your seperation? Have you considered your part in it? Honestly? Have you forgiven yourself? Do you understand that you are not alone?

I don’t ask these questions to get your answers. I ask these questions you will search within yourselves and in so doing, find your answers. If you have done this, then I salute you. If you haven’t, then I challenge you.

Luke 6:37
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

A while ago a fellow adoptee called me up to let me know that Darryll McDaniels (DMC of Run-DMC) was going to be at her next meeting and that VH1 would be filming it as part of a documentary about his search. Unfortunately, I already had placs with my family that morning so I couldn’t make it. Fortunately, when we got home, there was a two calls letting me know it had been postponed so I took off (with my wife’s permission of course) to join the other people already there and we had a great multi-hour session that was filmed. I don’t know if any of the session will make it into the documentary but it is is a great story. It is scheduled for February 25th at 9:00 on VH1 (check local listings to be sure.)

Here is the synopsis:

In 1997, hip hop legend Darryl McDaniels should have been riding high.
Run-DMC was touring Europe after a remix put them back atop the charts, and money was rolling in. Instead DMC found himself alone in a hotel room, contemplating suicide. Coping with vocal troubles and creative differences with his group, he found no joy in the spoils of the rap game. Poison, a bullet, a giant leap were all options he considered. As he now recalls it, it was a song by Sarah McLachlan, “Angel,” that brought him back from the edge. “Fly away from here, from this cold hotel room,” she sang. “There’s vultures and thieves at your back and the storm keeps on twisting.” The sadness in her voice captured an emptiness D felt but could not explain - until a few years later.

In gathering information for his autobiography in 2000, 35-year-old D got a bombshell from the only mother he’s ever known - she told him he was adopted. The revelation left him stunned and confused. Amid that emotional turmoil one thing became clear: Darryl wanted answers about his true history. Beginning in October, VH1 documented D’s search for his biological roots, as well as his spiritual journey of self-discovery. At the start of taping, all D knew was that, according to the parents who raised him, a 16-year-old named Bernada Lovelace, who hailed from the Dominican Republic, gave him up for adoption in 1964. Video tape rolled as D consulted with experts, researched old archives, and followed the winding trail wherever it led.

D’s quest is not portrayed in a vacuum, but in the context of his larger journey towards enlightenment. This includes a storied career in which D put hip hop on the map as part of Run-DMC, and — just as important to him — eventually transitioned from “B-boy to B-man.” This growth is reflected in his forthcoming album, Checks, Thugs and Rock n Roll. D focuses on emotional struggles, political stands, and a heartfelt goodbye to Jam Master Jay. The album pays tribute to the musical influences of DMC’s youth, including Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix and Harry Chapin.

After learning he was adopted, D approached Sarah McLachlan about collaborating on Chapin’s classic, “Cats in the Cradle.” Not only did she agree but D’s musical `hero’ let him in on a secret that would further cement their connection: she, too, was adopted. D’s interpretation of Cats takes song about regret and flips it into a positive message to adopted children everywhere- you’re not alone. (The program features elements of the making of the album and videos for Cats in the Cradle).

Using home movies and old photographs in a first person this-is-my life format, the doc intersperses background informing viewers of D’s model upbringing in Hollis, Queens, and his triumph as the King of Rock. The search itself takes shape as D hooks up with Wendy Freund, a psychotherapist and licensed social worker at New York Foundling, a social service agency that helps adoptees. Wendy leads DMC to Pamela Slaton, adoption search specialist, whose company specializes in tracing birth parents. An adoptee herself, Pam helps guide Darryl through the emotional tumult as well as the bureaucratic maze he faces.
Visits to the New York Public Library, the Office of Vital Records, and the hospital where he was born begin yielding clues, bringing him closer to the truth.

Ultimately this special presentation answers the question, what happens when a key aspect of your history is turned on its head? What happens when the truth is revealed? Part detective story, part existential journey, all compelling drama. D’s new life is about to begin.

I love my Google home page. With it, I can get a quick list of the latest tech trends, check out the weather for the week, get a few handy quotes and check to see if a few of my favorite blogs have updated. (If you want to see how to set it up, Heartened has already explained here.)

Another great feature is the “Word of the Day” and the word for Tuesday was “consanguineous.”

consanguineous \kon-san(g)-GWIN-ee-us\, adjective: Of the same blood; related by birth; descended from the same parent or ancestor.

What a great word. It just slides off the toungue like warm honey.

For example: here is a picture of my consanguineous son.

One day, I hope to post pictures of other people I share consanguinity with. (Okay so maybe it isn’t so much like warm honey but more like cold honey but it still has a sweet ring to it.)

A sentence on a blog by an adoptive mom caught my eye today. She said that “…families are ultimately born of love, not biology” which, in a sense, is true. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to start advocating adoption. I still think it should be a last resort, not the first response, nor should it be subtlety or “not-so-subtlety” coerced.

There are many adoptees that I have met who have had difficult to extremely bad relationships in their adoptive family, and yes I know there are kids who go thru stuff just as bad in their own blood families. I read stories though, of foster kids or adopted kids who are going thru this stuff and I want to ask, why didn’t the adoption agency realise? Why didn’t they follow up? Isn’t adoption supposed to be about the welfare of the child? Makes you want to scream sometimes.

I am one of the lucky ones as far as placement goes. My mom and dad were good people who wanted a child of their own. They weren’t the best parents in the world, but they were good parents, even great (and as far as I know they don’t read this blog or even know about it, so I’m not just saying it for them to read. Besides, my birthday and Christmas is still too far away for that kind of stuff.) They provided all the necessities for my sister (also adopted) and I, such as a home, food, support, opportunities, occasional punishment (okay, maybe a little more than occasional, I was a bit of a moody kid in high school) as well as a few niceties such as toys. They never shied away from questions about being adopted that I can remember, and always had the adoption records available. My mom has even read Adoption Healing by Joe Soll, and occasionally searches the web for adoption stuff and the databases for matches. Yet, for all this support/love/family, I still feel the need to search, and the need to justify why I am searching, even though the people who truly matter to me don’t ask and the ones that do probably wouldn’t understand anyway.

I seem to be going all over the place with this, so I’m going to post it for now and go to my support group now.