Womb of the Unknown Mother
If I ever write a book, I am going to call it that. Today though, I feel more like “Wound of the unknown mother.” I checked with the agency and they have recieved my money to continue searching for my birth father and they forwarded my letter to my birthmom on February 21st. I hope I wrote a letter that will melt her heart on the first read, or maybe by the second or third read thru, she will write back. It’s funny how you can drive yourself mad with hindsight. I keep thinking of other things I could have written, other thoughts I could have tried to convey, but I wrote the basics and tried to not come across too needy, although at the moment, I am very much in need.
I feel like my insides are nothing but pain and I’m so afraid of letting it out. I feel like if I did, it would just consume me. Why the heck doesn’t she want to know me? I mean, logically and intellectually I know the reasons that may be, but the little kid in me doesn’t care at all. I just wish I had some idea exactly what her reasons are. Is she ashamed? Afraid? WHY!? I feel like that song from Sarah McLachlan, “Full of Grace” I know it’s not about adoption but this verse sums it up:
and I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
It is so infuriating to know these strangers have my information, the knowledge I want. I have no recourse with them and no faith in them considering how they treated me before. It’s like riding a merry-go-around in a pitch black room with some stranger telling you when to grab for the ring. So powerless and teh info is just beyond my reach.
They have started the search for my birthfather. The searcher was commenting that his name is kind of common and my birthmom didn’t know where he may be but she was working on it now. Sitting here just thinking about it and not being able to be active in the actual search process is driving me crazy. If it wasn’t for the online group chosen-babies.com, I would have already gone out of my mind, or maybe I have. Would you know if you had?
February 27th, 2006 at 9:35 pm
Don’t worry Wraith - we’re your friends, we’ll let you know if you go out of your mind. ;)
Logic plays no part in matters of the heart. I don’t know why so many mothers act this way - it scares me to think mine might do the same. Somehow we’ll learn to separate their foolish choices from our broken hearts. Don’t ask me how, though. I’d imagine we’ll do this the same way we do everything else - a little bit at a time.
February 28th, 2006 at 5:53 am
Don’t know what to say but , (((HUGS))). I just hope/pray you’ll recieve more answers.(and your mother will have a change of heart)
Lady
February 28th, 2006 at 6:34 am
Don’t know what to say either, other than I’m thinking of you in your anguish, and praying that your mother will find the heart and courage to respond to your needs. I am so sorry . . . that you are being subjected to this.
You are very brave, and articulate too.
February 28th, 2006 at 8:23 am
There are so many things I want to say to you, to help you speed through the healing process. Not that I am there or anything but it’s like I want to share all I have learned through the past several years. I know though that I can’t because we are all different and we all need to travel our own road.
I take comfort in knowing others understand how difficult the journey is though and I hope you can too.
ANY TIME you might need to talk, vent, scream, cry….I AM HERE!!!! WE ARE ALL HERE!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
The constants in your life are what will get you through and we are constants you can count on.
Mia
February 28th, 2006 at 8:45 am
“I feel like my insides are nothing but pain and I’m so afraid of letting it out. I feel like if I did, it would just consume me.”
It’s keeping it in that’s consuming you. Let it out man. It’s the only way to move on.
February 28th, 2006 at 9:09 am
((wraith))
Just remember that she didn’t reject you, she rejected the pain because it’s too much for her to take right now. The fact that she is searching for your bio dad, maybe she is working through her pain. Maybe one day?
As for the waiting… just keep loving yourself. Keep taking care. I know it sounds difficult, but this is the only suggestion I have.
It’s so difficult being physically separated, but maybe remember that spiritually, and even phsiologically, and emotionally, we will always be connected.
February 28th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
I am so sorry… my heart just absolutely goes out to you…
March 1st, 2006 at 6:27 am
Thank you all for your comments. I actually had a good cry after writing this, and a bit yesterday over the whole thing and feel a lot better inside today, but it still hurts. Luckily, I have a OC Adoptee meeting tonight and a Santa Monica group on Saturday. The timing was almost perfect.
March 1st, 2006 at 12:48 pm
I’ve had some pretty intense feelings of pain that are adoption related but I am not going to say I know exactly what you are going through because I’m the other side of the coin so to speak.
I hate it how you get treated badly on this search, that’s horrible, like you are being bad or something for wanting to know. The laws really suck I hope they will be changed, it’s so….archaic.
You sound pretty sane to me.
March 2nd, 2006 at 10:03 am
I did a post on my other blog about your search and I hope that someone might read it and think hard - that maybe treating people searchers like crap really isn’t right.
Think you know my heart and prayers are with you, but, I shall keep reminding you.
No, you’re not crazy! You are human and you want to know your other mother.
Nothing crazy about that.
I can point in a few places where there are people I wonder about though. People so mean-spirited and seemingly without any consciences. Some adoptive parents strike me that way, most agencies do. And, anyone who facilitates adoptions and makes adoption sound like a total win-win solution - yipes - they are crazy and misguided too. And wrong - sooo wrong!