What to say?
I had started to write a post in response to an anonymous comment and the impression I was against adoption. At the moment though, I’m still in a bit of a daze, with a dash of numb tossed in.
I sat in church today trying to listen to the sermon but just thinking about what I was going to tell people if they asked how my search was going and realising I didn’t want to answer them. In some ways, I am ashamed. I know intellectually, there is no reason for me to be ashamed, but the little kid in me doesn’t give a spit about being intellectual. When the service was open and my wife and I walked out, she drew closer to me and put her arm around me for support. I still felt the tears coming and told her I had to go to the car. Normally, everyone meets just outside the church for an informal chat. I just couldn’t do it today.
I need to write a letter. When I was talking to the agency, I asked if I could send a non-identifying letter and have them forward it. The lady told me that she couldn’t unless it was okay with my birthmom but whe would ask. It wasn’t till Saturday, that I truly realised what I had asked; non-identifying. Why would I send a non-identifying, I want her to know who I am. Its like I was afriad of letting her know who I am, but why? I have been trying to wrack my brain to figure out why I didn’t think I could send something with my info in it.
But what to write? Hi, my name is wraiths and I am your son? I had a good life and a few adoptoin issues which made me join two support groups, start a third, create an online group and write a blog? I sitting here in tears because I don’t think you want to know me, again? I don’t want to tell my son that you are afraid to meet us? I would like a picture so that I may look at the face of someone who looks like me?
February 13th, 2006 at 12:33 am
You have been on my mind a great deal since I heard your news the other day. I have been thinking a great deal about why a mother would refuse contact.
I think back to why I reacted as I did. And, I know that I was lucky that I was ready. But, I also know that something inside me had to click back on to be ready.
When I gave my son away, to survive I had to disconnect and dissociate myself from him to survive. I knew no other way - I am not proud that I did. At reunion, my emotions all came rushing quickly to the surface and all those old long buried feelings of love and longing for him resurfaced and “bingo”, I reconnected myself in my head to him. Not all mothers can do that right away.
You are a son that any mother would be terribly proud of - her refusal for contact does not change that. It only means she is not strong enough or brave enough to risk loving and getting to know you - now. I know you understand that intellectually, but, the feeling side of you doesn’t care why - it sucks big time no matter why! Her refusal is a reflection of her life at this point in time. I hate that we do not acknowledge that birth mothers need help to heal so that they are more able to reconnect with their children.
Back to the praying and hoping that she will gain the strength to take the risk to know and love you.
BIG HUGS,
Cookie
February 13th, 2006 at 6:07 am
Hi wraiths,
I would like to meet you just because of your writings!
Perhaps your nmother is ashamed of herself, or her lifestyle.(for no specific reasons, just in general) Maybe she feels she could not measure up to you.
Oh, I feel so badly about this all. I’d still write her if I were you and I send that precious picture of your son.
Lady
February 13th, 2006 at 8:59 am
Wraith if anyone asks you how it is going you can say you don’t feel up to talking about it yet but thank them for asking. There were times when I wanted to tell the whole world and then times when i couldn’t bear to speak about these things.
The shame thing makes perfect sense. I have that with losing my daughter. Shame that my family didn’t see me worthy of supporting and loving.
I am so very sorry you have to deal with this.
February 13th, 2006 at 10:46 am
Cookie said it so beautifully - It doesn’t have anything to do with the person you are - it’s all about her feelings right now. She will think about it and want to know more about you. Send that letter…..it took my biomom a while to admit it to other people - it does have to do with shame and what other people will think….luckily she had told her family and expected/hoped for a call someday from me- you probably caught her off gaurd….
February 13th, 2006 at 9:15 pm
lady, thank you, I would love to meet all the bloggers whose writings I read including yours.
Kim.Kim, I did just that today with my boss.
petunia,
I am writing the letter now.
February 19th, 2006 at 5:29 pm
Hey I just read your blog for the first time. I have been so busy searching for bmom to ask her myself for bfather’s info. I haven’t had the time to read all the blogs out there. Boy do I know what you feel!! I too have been rerejected again. It is a shame that you can’t find her yourself. Your writings bring tears to my eyes because I “get it.” I felt that pain all over again when I read your post. You know where to find me.
Amy Burt