Denial
For many years, I was in denial about adoption. I denied that adoption had any impact on me. I denied that I wanted to know my blood. I denied that I cared. I’m not in denial about that anymore. (Maybe some other things, but I’m not sure yet.)
Since I joined the adoption community, I have seen and talked to a lot of people, whom I thought were also in denial. For example, those adoptees who say they have no issues what so ever, even though they may be adoptees, who have given up children to adoption and adopted (or rescued as I heard one adoptee call it) other children. Adoptive parents who “got” another child so thiers could have a playmate. Birthmoms who say they had no choice and are victims of society. I find one common thread between all these people, I judged them. I judged them based on the tidbits they provided, but what right do I have to judge them?
I need to stop judging. I need to listen. I need to challenge everyone involved.
So my challenge to eveyone involved in adoption:
- For perspective adoptive parents: Why are you adopting? Is it to fill a need? Have you truly thought about having a child in your life? Have you mourned for the child you can’t have? Are you ready to understand the child’s truth? Are you ready to share in the child’s truth?
- For the women considering giving their child up for adoption: Are you sure this is the best for your child and you? Are you sure you can’t raise your child? Do you want to keep your child? Have you talked to adoptees, birthmoms, and adoptive moms to get their stories so you can make an informed decision, not just the info from the people who will make money off the adoption of your child? Do you understand that you are not alone?
- For the adoptee: Are you sure adoption hasn’t had an impact? Are you sure you don’t have any issues at all from adoption? Are you sure you don’t want to search? Are you sure you don’t have anger or fear concerning your birth family? Do you understand that you are not alone?
- For birthmoms: Do you blame the world for your seperation? Have you considered your part in it? Honestly? Have you forgiven yourself? Do you understand that you are not alone?
I don’t ask these questions to get your answers. I ask these questions you will search within yourselves and in so doing, find your answers. If you have done this, then I salute you. If you haven’t, then I challenge you.
Luke 6:37
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”
February 6th, 2006 at 5:46 am
Great thoughts! I needed to hear this, thanks for posting it.
February 6th, 2006 at 6:21 am
Oh Wraith… I’m LMAO right now, because I just posted a long rant on what the agency did wrong when I relinquished my daughter. Hmmm.
February 6th, 2006 at 7:17 am
Good thoughts….(and verse) Confronting truths is hard but I really do believe the end result is very liberating, gets us all out from the bondadge of: fear, blame, shame, unforgiveness, self incrimination, etc.
“You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”
Lady
February 6th, 2006 at 8:42 am
Maybe I don’t blame the whole entire world but I definetly blame my mother, the baby’s father, the coercive social worker, the guy at social security who told me that I was NOT allowed single mother’s benefit (although really I was), my brother and sister for not offering to help me when I was pregnant and worst of all I blame myself for not having more power and self esteem.
And yes i work on forgiveness every day!
February 6th, 2006 at 9:09 am
everyscar: thank you.
N: and your post is a great read.
lady: so true
Kim.Kim: I didn’t say you couldn’t blame the others involved, but to take a look at yourself as well, which it seems you have. Granted there will be some people who may read these questions and say “that doesn’t apply to me” and that may be their truth, but only they can truly know. Lord knows on your blog, you’ve done far ore soul searching than I have.
February 6th, 2006 at 10:31 am
I think that is the key, that it’s different for every person… some women who lost their children to closed adoptions during the Baby Scoop Era, in my opinion, probably really and truly do not have any culpability in the adoption decision… I think many of them really had no choice, others forced them into it.
That’s not my truth, though. My truth is that I AM partially to blame.
I do think responsiblity can lay on more than one person’s shoulders though, as you said, Wraith. That a lot of us do have “our own parts” we need to take accountability for… but that doesn’t mean other people have no responsibility in it, too.
I think both things are useful… finding where the system failed us (so we can advocate for reform) and acknowledging our own fault (so we can forgive ourselves, heal, and maybe speak to other people who might be facing similar, and are having a hard time acknowledging their own emotions).
Good post. Thank you for it.
February 6th, 2006 at 11:55 am
I am an adoptee and going to be an adopted mother. You put in your post the Luke 6:37 quote but i do feel like you are judging. Everyone must question themselves…true. But i think because you have not experienced infertility you cannot begin to understand how the adopted parent feels. Just as I cannot begin to imagine your pain of giving your child to someone else to raise.
There IS a need to parent, and i think you can understand that very well. There is a primal need to parent and take care of and love a child. Bring them up, be a family. That does not mean an adopted parent is wrong. My parents adopted me, they had a need (an ache) to have a little girl. They treated me so wonderfully. Loved me with everthing they had in them and still do. I always felt connected and bonded to them I do not have a connection to my biomom. She is a nice person but a stranger to me. I am her friend and she is mine but we have no bond.
I am one of the most normal people I know. I have a great family, great husband, great relationship, great life. I don’t smoke, drink,or cuss. I’m involved in my church, have lots of friends and am very healthy. In other words, i have no ill effects from being adopted. I have many friends who are adopted and have no problems either. I know you can say it’s denial but it’s not.
I’m just saying this because i think we can read all the bad things in books and on blogs and feel that everyonemust feel the same way. There are people out there who are okay with it.
February 6th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
Hi Petunia,
The question “Is it to fill a need?” isn’t meant to say that the need isn’t valid, more to say that a perspective adoptive parent needs to consider what that need is, and compare it to what they may go thru.
For example: A woman was telling me she was considering adopting because she wanted a playmate for her son. Okay, if that is her only need, then she may not be the best choice to adopt, however that’s between her and the agency. I commented that I didn’t think that was a good reason to adopt and that providing a good home to a child who actually needs one should be the more important reason but I tried very hard to not judge her to her face. (Granted it didn’t work very well, but I never said I was perfect.)
Don’t get me wrong, I am not against adoption. I do think we should spend a bit more time/money/energy on keeping families together, but I do understand the need to get a kid out of a bad situation and provide a better life. My niece is one example. Heck, I had a pretty good life as an adoptee and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, nor my adoptive parents, but it hasn’t stopped me from trying to find my blood either.
As an perspective adoptive mom, you did seem to consider the need (I read you post from today) and you seem open to allowing your future child to explore their history like you did. This to me should be one of the requirements of adopting. The willingness to allow the child to explore themselves, if they want to.
February 6th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
What a great post! It has already inspired two of us, me and Heart so far to write about this same subject.
Denial is something I feel is rampant in adoption - for all parties no matter their spot on the plane. The really interesting feature of denial is that unless you come out of it -you are never able to see that you were in that mind set.
I KNOW that I was in denial - and I know many adoptees and birth moms who have acknowledged that they were there. Denial isn’t a healthy spot to be in forever, but, sometimes it is a survival mechanism. I know that for me, it allowed me to survive.
Living in truth and honesty, however, is a much more satisfying and peaceful place to be. And I feel blessed that I was able to snap out of denial as quickly as I did.
Forgiveness - that’s been the hardest part for me. Easy to say you could have/should have been stronger, smarter, etc. The fact is I made a very bad decision and I can’t undo it now. After reunion began, I grieved, raged, cried - and did all that I needed to get it all out - and now I must accept what happened - as much as I can.
Thanks for the challenge!
February 7th, 2006 at 6:25 am
Good questions and one everyone involved in adoption needs to ask themselves.
I’m with N. I do believe there really are a few women who really did play no part in becoming pregnant and then lost their child to adoption (I’m not one of them by the way ;-)). They shouldn’t have to call themselves to account for anything.
I also think there are probably some who’ve convinced themselves they come into that category but don’t.
That would be denial, I guess. I think denial spells the difference between guilt and shame. People in shame hide, whereas people who feel guilt are more able to get a handle on personal responsibility. However, it’s complicated.
The opposite of judging others is forgiving them. IMO, if you can’t forgive yourself (which isn’t possible, I think, unless you take into account the whole picture), you are likely to judge others even more harshly than yourself. Not judging is another version of the Golden Rule. I’ve seen a lot of so-called “forgiveness” that doesn’t seem to alter people’s behavior at all - which makes me wonder if it’s the real deal or just erzatz. There’s a lot of therapy stuff about now which sells the concept of forgiveness as some kind of commodity that accrues to the benefit of the the person who does the forgiving.
I didn’t think that was the point of it. KWIM?
February 7th, 2006 at 3:32 pm
I agree for the most part, but one thing I somtimes ask birthmothers if they constantly blame everything and everyone else is whether or not they were raped. If they weren’t and it was consensual sex, then they MAY need to re-evaluate all the blame. If they decide then that they are partly to blame themselves (even in the baby-scoop era) then they should work on forgiving themselves. Trust me though, I know that is far easier said than done. Much, much easier.
February 7th, 2006 at 4:32 pm
My feeling is that if one understands where the other person (or oneself) cames from, then things fall into place more easily. From my POV, forgiveness isn’t as necessary as understanding.
It seems to me that real forgiveness is for a “higher power”. Even Christ on the cross said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
He didn’t say “I forgive them.” He asked God to do that.
I’m also thinking that not passing judgment is very different from forgiving.
IMO, being angry with someone is a separate thing from passing judgment or witholding forgiveness. Anger’s a natural visceral response to hurt.
I quite agree with what you say about about consentual sex - although I think that as a “moral error” it pales in comparison to other much (IMO) worse “transgressions” that are generally less condemned and which, on the whole, seem to cause people far less shame. On the other hand, it is sex that got the ball rolling, so to speak.
February 7th, 2006 at 5:01 pm
ahh, but the anger toward someone or whatever feelings may be based on a judgement of someone elses situation which is faulty.
Using the above example, if I meet a birthmom who blames the loss of her child to adoption on a business and the way that they treated her and constantly complains about it, then I may judge her in my own mind and even get annoyed with her because I’m thinking that she was partly to blame as well, but then she mentions that she was raped and I feel like an idiot because I judged her (even if only in my head) based on only half the truth.
I looking at judging more as forming an opinion and closing my mind to other options. Normally, I am very good at looking at a problem from different angles and coming up with solutions (makes me a good tech) but when it comes to emotions and humans, I have a much harder time being so open, including with my own feelings. My goal to myself is to not form opinions and just listen to what needs to be said, maybe offer advice if it seems warranted and then listen to the response to that advice.
As for forgiveness, sometimes it means nothing more than saying “I can’t truly understand why you did it since I’m not in your shoes, but I accept that you did and let’s go on from here.” Yet that can mean so much.
Kippa, do you have a blog? I didn’t see one listed on your profile, are you an adoptee or part of the plane?
February 7th, 2006 at 6:55 pm
Yes, it’s true that anger towards another may be based on a faulty judgment. That’s a good point. But if it isn’t?
I’m not convinced that acceptance and forgiveness are the same thing. I think they are related but different. I have to say I (personally) need to have some understanding in order to accept. When I can do that, forgiveness isn’t even an issue for me.
This probably won’t make much sense, but I sometimes have the feeling that forgiveness is a rather Olympian virtue, that it puts the ‘forgiver’ on a higher plain than the ‘forgivee’ - almost like some sort of moral one-upmanship.
In answer to your question, I’m a reunited bio (or whatever) mother and an adoptive mother as well.
And no, I don’t have a blog - I’m way too disorganised, and my thoughts are too random.
February 8th, 2006 at 10:16 am
Yeah, true forgiveness in a biblical sense is pretty much impossible because of human nature although a worthy goal to strive for, but like with anything, there are different degrees.
I also know that my goal to “not form opinions” is pretty lofty as well, and I am a long way from getting there, but that’s why it’s a goal. Lord knows, I will probably write stuff here later that will go against the goal, but I am only human.