The Adoptive Plane
My buddy, whom I will just call Farmer Boy, and I were driving back from an adoption retreat last year and we got to talking about the word Triad in relation to adoption. neither one of us really like the triangle so we started discussing a way to better represent it. Below is what we came up with. Be advised, this was done while driving on a lazy Sunday afternoon by two guys who were tired, eating junk food and drinking way too much caffeine.
The Triad
The three main groups of adoption are usually represented by a triangle however, this can misrepresent the reality of the members of adoption.
The triangle appears to:
- demonstrate an equal distance or separation between the three members.
- show an equal or harmonious connection between the adoptee and the adoptee’s two families.
- symbolize that the birth family and adoptive family are raising the child’s interest above their own.
- exhibit that the relationship or communication between the adoptee and their adoptive and birth family is equal and similar.
These are rarely true.
The Plane
The plane (a flat or level surface) shows the adoptee between the other two members.
This better represents the truth behind adoption and it’s members. It can also display the way many adoptees feel like the center of a tug-of-war between their loyalties to the adoptive family and their longing to know their heritage and and blood.
By adjusting the image, the plane can illustrate an adoptee’s emotions or state of mind, moving back and forth between the two families.
This plane illustrates an adoptee moving (searching?) towards their birth family. It is also important to note that the arrow only represents the status on that side of the plane. In this case, the adoptee and Adoptive family are not moving away nor moving closer.
This plane illustrates an adoptee moving towards their adoptive family. (Retreating to familiarity?) Again, this movement has no impact on the birth family side in this diagram.
This plane can illustrate an adoptee’s emotions being torn between their two families.
The following plane represents Wraith at the time of writing, an adoptee who is currently searching for his birth family. The relationship with the adoptive family is good and they are supportive of the adoptee searching.
As you can see, the birth family is a question mark since they are unknown. The adoptee is moving towards the birth family, however, they are also moving toward the adoptive family and they toward the adoptee. Note also, the connecting line between the adoptee and the adoptive family has grown shorter to represent the closeness and support.
Here is another representation of an adoptee who is pulling away from his adoptive family and they from him as he moves toward his biological family.
The Goal
The goal is to join all three representative circles into one family. A melding, as it were, of the adoptees two families into one united family which still have characteristics of each family.
While we understand this is not an exact method of measurement, we believe it is a much better visual of the true nature of adoption.
So what do you think?
January 19th, 2006 at 2:55 pm
Wow, that is an awesome presentation! (I hope you have it protected from theft.)
Adoptees live the adoption. Your visual presentation is much more reflective of the relationships entwined within adoption.
Let’s hope the triangle disapperars as a represntaive symbol of the triad and this work of the mind/heart/spirit, replaces it.
Adoptees rock!
Lady
January 19th, 2006 at 3:12 pm
Thanks, if it ever came down to it, we have the original, dated, hand written, notes. I’m just glad that most people don’t think we were way to buzzed from the caffiene!! ;)
January 19th, 2006 at 11:58 pm
Notice how the adoptive family and the natural family never touch in the diagram?
January 19th, 2006 at 11:59 pm
Well they sort of touch in the last diagram. You call that realistic? I have never met the people who raised my daughter, so what diagram do I fit in?
January 20th, 2006 at 6:11 am
Never said it was realistic, I said it should be the goal for the adoptee’s sake to feel safe in both sides with each still hving their own identity. But realistic, probably not. ;)
January 20th, 2006 at 6:36 am
oh and I will try to map it out tonight once I finish your blog. ;)
January 20th, 2006 at 9:28 am
Oh ok, not that I meant it in a huffy puffy way just so you know. It would be great if it could be more relaxed between families. I would love to be relaxed with my daughter’s family but it hasn’t worked out that way….
January 20th, 2006 at 2:32 pm
Kim, I agree that it doesn’t happen often, but my son’s adoptive mom and I are on pretty friendly terms. Hmmm, it took him finding me after nearly 32 years for us to finally meet though. She’s pretty secure in her role as his mother after all this time! But, I agree it is a great goal to have both families get along at least for the adopted person’s sake. I think my son likes knowing we are friendly to each other. Easier for us though - no bad baggage - I do realize that.
“Farmer Boy” - can I wrote you on that, Wraith? Thanks for the giggle.
Good illustration - you two need to do a presentation together at an adoption conference! With your plane and the list of what adoptive parents should do - I think he would be great!
January 20th, 2006 at 2:33 pm
Opps - I mean to say “quote” not wrote! Sorry just a senior moment.
January 22nd, 2006 at 11:18 am
Hwy Wraith!
Cookie said you said HI so I say HI back!
And I met Farmer boy….that was cool.
I love the diagram. Can I copy and paste to share??
January 22nd, 2006 at 4:50 pm
Of course fauxclaud, this is free to share, all I ask is that you give Farmer Boy and I credit.
Farmer boy, I just crack myself up sometimes.
January 26th, 2006 at 4:40 am
Well you know my feelings - I LOVE it!
Though on my diagram, can we just eliminate the adoptive family completely? LOL
Maybe add in all of you as my “other” family instead? -grin-
January 26th, 2006 at 6:29 am
Yep, FB and I came up with other diagrams such as an X for no longer attached or no contact.
December 2nd, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Hi Wraith and Farmer Boy,
Just found your “plane” on an adoptee support site in Australia.
I like the thinking you’ve put into this. Just wanted to add that as an adoptive parent the last diagram represents how I feel , psychologically, about my children and their birth families, even if it never becomes a reality…though I hope for all of us we do one day meet and embrace each other….however holding that image of the 3 dots together, as a goal ,is psychologically important. ..much more healthy than the triangle which keeps us all apart.
Our children know our intentions…and can sense our willingness to embrace where they have come from…this is a gift you have given us. Thanks.
December 2nd, 2007 at 8:49 pm
I like what you have done.As an adoptive parent and a student who has been looking into the counselling issues pertaining to transracial adoptees I can see the diagram as being a useful tool. HOwever, when the birth family is untraceable there is a hole…that will always remain.
December 4th, 2007 at 4:39 am
Yes, the usual triangle is certainly far too simplistic. I often describe adoption more like a pyramid, as the triangle ignored the fact that adoption has also a legal aspect. I see the adoption authorities at the apex manipulating all the other 3 participants. Of course that is in the early stages and hopefully is not too much of a concern for adoptees later in their lives.
Thanks for your reflection and diagramatic representation.
March 15th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Fantastic representation and terrific to see “new” thinking! Would love to reference your blog on our website as this can help other adoptees understand their experience better.