Recommendations to Adoptive Parents
I have been asked before by some adoptive and soon to be adoptive parents what my recommendations would be to them. My first response is to comment on how brave they are. Sometimes they misunderstand and think I am saying they are brave because of the adventure they are about to embark on, so I have to bring them back to reality and say they are brave for asking an adoptee that question.
Anyway, on a more polite side I usually give the following recommendations:
1. Educate yourself, read every book you can find on adoptees and on being an adoptive parent. (If you need any recommendations, ask me)
2. Decide now, if you are doing this for a child, or for yourself. (Is it about image or love?)
3. Mourn what you may not have. (As in blood children of their own.)
4.Never say, “We love you as our own.” The adoptee will be your child and that’s a mixed message if there ever was one.
5. Don’t overdo the “you are so special/lucky” thing. They aren’t going to feel that, so actions will speak louder than words.
6. Always be there for them, they may have anxiety when you leave them at daycare, or anywhere else. This is normal for most kids, but often worse for an adoptee.
7. Join a support group, somewhere they can play with other adopted kids and you can talk about your life with your child.
8. Love them unconditionally. Even when they shout you are not my family. Even more so then.
9. Find out everything you can about your child’s heritage and family and try to incorporate some of it into your own. Allow them to freedom to explore their history as well as yours.
10. Don’t take it personal if they decide to search for their blood. It’s not about you or something you did wrong, it’s about wanting to know where you came from. After all, you probably know where you came from right?
11. Be honest in all things.
12. Love them, UNCONDITIONALLY.
So there you go, my recommendations. Anyone want to add to them?
oh two more
13. If a member of the birthfamily comes around searching, be honest and truthful with the adoptee about it. Let them make the decision or if still very young, ask their opinion. Don’t hold it against them and don’t think you need to “defend” your child from these people. After all, from a biological stand point, your child is theirs as well.
14. If the adoptee is reunited, try to not hold animosity toward the birth family. Also understand that the adoptee may spend more time with them for a while. He or she hasn’t forgotten you, they are just reveling in something new, like looking at someone who looks like them. (Want to know what I mean? If you are ever around a bunch of adoptees and one of them just reunited and is showing pictures, the first comment is probably going to be “Wow, you look just like them.” It’s one of the first things we notice, because we don’t see it in ourselves.)
January 17th, 2006 at 5:29 pm
Here’s a couple more:
1) Encourage them to talk about adoption and their birth family. Never give them any sense that it is not okay to talk about it -by a look, tone of voice, etc.
2) Do not expect that if you “love them enough” that will solve magically solve all adoption issues that they might have.
3) Never say anything negative about the birth family. Part of their identity comes from their birth family. Insulting the birth family is like insulting the child.
4) Never “make up” anything about the birth family. If you do, it may come back to bite you later.
5) Encourage contact with the birth family. Never withhold any letters, pictures, etc. unless it is necessary for safety concerns.
6) Do not wait to “tell” a child it is adopted. Make it something that they have always known.
Cookie aka Jan
January 17th, 2006 at 7:54 pm
Good point, I will have to add those to the list.
January 18th, 2006 at 10:17 am
Great post. Wish all adopters would read this.
January 18th, 2006 at 4:42 pm
I agree with you Kim, but forgot to say so! I think it would be a great forum thread. Some adoptive parents might really benefit from it.
January 19th, 2006 at 9:52 am
Never say “I understand how you feel or I know what you are going through.” Unless you have been adopted yourself, and even then, you have no way of truly understanding the pain and hurt that an adoptee feels. Unconditional love as poited out in #8 on this list is the best and only thing that a parent can do to alleviate or comfort in of the pain that we feel. We will love you more and become closer to our parents the more that they can see the journey that we must travel on our own, with the “suppport” of our family.
January 19th, 2006 at 9:59 am
Very good point.
January 29th, 2006 at 5:20 pm
DAMN! A very long comment I wrote just disappeared…
Anyway, as a fellow adult adoptee blogger… one that was lied to and abused by her adoptive parents… one that didn’t find out she was adopted until her bio mom contacted her… as that person… I would like to add a very basic point…
Don’t LIE to your adopted chid about their origins.
I actually wish this were enforceable by law…because I think it’s absolutely dehumanizing to remove a person’s identity… very… very.. damaging.
http://www.manuela.blogs.com
Thin Pink Line
January 29th, 2006 at 5:30 pm
I agree, always be honest with you kids about their roots.
February 6th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
Great post. I would add, too, that potential adoptive parents (I’m an adoptive parent) should ask their social workers/prospective agencies what kinds of education they provide. A good homestudy process should address all these sorts of questions.
Can you say more about #2? I’m trying to figure it out–I’ve been thinking about blogging on a related topic for a few days now but haven’t quite gotten the focus right. I can see that there are all kinds of lousy reasons to have a child (via birth or adoption), like to give an existing child a playmate (although, as the parent of one child, let me tell you, the world wants to scream at me “give your daughter a sibling to play with” and I”m mighty sick of it.) But isnt’ the decision to parent (in whatever form) essentially a selfish decision, about the parents’ desire to be parents? That’s not necessarily only about image.
Anyway, I’m thinking about it.
February 6th, 2006 at 8:38 pm
not necessarily, first off you need to define what you think parenting is.
personally, I think the decision to parent, to truly parent is about the perspective parent wants and desires which should include a willingness to consider the want and desires and needs of the child. It should be a bit selfish but also a bunch not.
February 8th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Dear Wraith, Dear Cookie,
Is it OK with you if we print these out for use with pre-adoptive parents?
Thanks either way for the great lists…
Tesi
an AP, and also an educator