A time to put on masks to disguise ourselves and become who we are not or who we would like to be.  As an adoptee, what mask do I put on?
As I review my life, I realize that I often wore a mask. Often disguised myself to blend in with my surroundings or those people around me. I was on the outside, never really in the groups. Even tonight, as I walked with my son and some friends who we have known for a while, I cracked a joke (which I do constantly at work) and they were surprised. One of them even made the comment “What did you do with Wraith?” I feel like the pretender, that character who could become anyone he wanted, or fit in to any group.
So who am I? Am I the lost child of a mother who didn’t keep me? The son of two good people who took me in as an infant? The kid who did okay in school, but was bored out of his skull? Am I a musician, because I can play piano? A writer, a web guy, a tech, a comedian, a loner, a fun guy, a drifter, husband, father? A combination of them all or some of all. What do I want to do with my life?
I want to live. I want to know my blood and share it with my son. I want to be a better husband to my wife. I want to be a better father to my son. I want to be the best at my job that I can and I want to be more comfortable around groups of people. I don’t want to be on the outside anymore. I want to be a good son and brother. I want to be a honest man.
I have a ways to go still.

Adoption: To take into one’s family through legal means and raise as one’s own child.

Many would have you believe that adoption is the next best thing to sliced bread, but there is another side. A side filled with feeling lost, wanting to know your roots, anger at now being able to see something that is considered vital records to others ie my birthcertificate. Not an amended one, but the original.

The first thing people always want to know when I want to search is whether I had a good childhood. I did. I have two great parents who are also interested in knowing my past, my genetic history if you will so this isn’t about replacing my current parents, it’s about adding knowledge to who I am and being able to pass it to my son.

The laws sealing records were designed to protect the newborn from the stigma of illegitamacy. Now those same laws are twisted, redefined or outright misquoted to protect the “privacy” of the birthmom, from the shame that is me.

A few states have open records and they haven’t had a huge increase in abortions, or adoptee/birthmom murders, etc. yet the lies and myths continue to perpetuate.

To continue in the same vein, it’s amazing to me how blind people can really be. I look at the actions of others and think to myself, “What the heck are they doing? Can they not see how asinine this is?”

In some ways, I guess they can’t. It’s always easier to look at another and find fault than look in the mirror. In a way, that is why I started this blog. To look at myself in comparison to others to see if I am just a hypocrite or just the near genius guy that I think I am and my IQ says.

I show strong confidence at work and to the outside world, while inside, I am often scared to death. I am constantly over thinking or second guessing myself. I know some of these traits are from being adopted, however, now that I am aware of them, I have been able to curb it somewhat. I still occasionally wake up in the night trying to remember if I dotted that I or crossed that t. (Okay, I’m not quite that nuts, but I do tend to review what I did at work when I get home.)

In some ways, I think this has made me a better person. It’s helped me to look at myself from different sides to improve some things. I still come across as an arrogant sarcastic bastard some times (okay a lot of times) but at least I can take what I dish out now, and most people seem to at least understand where I’m coming from and not take it too personal. Some people on the other hand….

Having said all that, I think I tend to hold in my feelings to much sometimes, or at least hold them in from the people who need to here it. For example, that manager in the last post, I should really tell him that what he is doing is wrong. I know I can rationalize by saying it’s not my department, or I’m not a manager so I shouldn’t get involved, or some other drivel, but the bottom line is, I’m worried about my job. The funny thing about that is that allowing things like this to continue could cause more issues for the company in the long run.

See, besides some of the people in charge don’t seem to understand leadership and some of the employees, don’t grasp the concept that “if you don’t do you job and management comes down on you, they aren’t being mean,” I love my job. I get lots of cool toys, the boss pretty much lets me do my thing, because I actually do my job. Granted sometimes I will get a bit sidetracked, but overall I have improved a lot of things and feel I’m pretty receptive to peoples issues(unless you don’t try or not willing to learn, then I don’t have time, patience or respect for you.)

A friend once told me that if you get upset at your job it really shows that you still care. You can’t say you don’t care if it bugs you, because if you didn’t care, it wouldn’t bother you. So I will just continue caring and hoping for little improvements each day. Although, I still don’t think I will say anything to that manager.

A person is defined by their acts or so the it goes. At work I see people whom I have a deep respect for. Those who will try to work for the whole, not just the “company” or just the “employees.” Those who see not two parts but a whole that will only survive when working together.
Then there are those who can only see a separation of the company and the employee, or worse only their own petty needs or feelings.
My work, like any other is a microcosm of diversity. Every type of personality is represented. However, it’s those few, those annoying few, who can’t think farther than their own person who drive me crazy, especially when they are managers.
We have one, one who will not stand up for his people when they have done no wrong. One who will not perform his duties in assisting the company, and gets angry when you point this out. One who plays favorites internal to his department, at the expense of those employees who perform well and know the job.
Sometimes you just want to cry and sometimes you can’t actually write what you want to do.
The funny thing is, I have learned so much from watching the mistakes and the triumph of all these people. I hope it will make me a great manager one day. I hope I don’t fall into the pit, that place that makes me so concerned about myself that I forget about my job or helping my people succeed.